In my mind

It's okay to look back

2011-08-16T08:45:00.000-07:00

I tend to save conversations I've had with people, mainly because sometimes I need to rewind time and see what was happening at a particular moment in my life.

I found an email sent by my ex-boyfriend to me on 11/7/09...

"you said so much that registered with me last night, but one thing in particular was when you said something like "if nothing more you will at least remember for being nice" Yeah that's not verbatim, you didn't say "nice". But the point is you were living in the moment, and you were giving me you, you were not worried at all about the future, you were content with the fact that no matter what happens we will at least share this great memory. We will remember how fun, loving, warm, exciting, our experience was. Even if that experience only consisted of one special night.

I appreciate you. "

In romance nothing is guaranteed, just like in life. You never know when things will last or break apart, but whatever happens in the end... the important thing is that you remember that it's okay to look back. And it's also okay to feel good about what once was very important in your life.

Ms. Blanco

She's that girl

2011-08-12T07:49:00.000-07:00

My best friend came over and we watched the entire 5th season of Sex and the City. Before that, she handed me an autographed copy of the book by the same title she had gotten for me... yes she is this awesome, and no I didn't ask for el book.

She's the friend that will hide behind a bush because you need moral support while breaking up with someone who is toxic for you... she's the friend that will remind you that you are awesome when you're feeling down... the friend who will support your crazy dreams, the one that sends you cards for Valentines days... the girl next door that will pick up the phone and will listen intently about the most corny insignificant story in the world... She's honest and sweet.

I swear everyone needs a friend like her...

Cheers to the girlfriends out there that become sisters in the long run.

Love you Daze!

Challenge Yourself

2011-08-10T08:09:00.000-07:00

I like that I have friends who challenge my way of thinking and the way I process things. We all have different perspectives and move at our own pace in this life.

I think it's important to constantly strive to grow as a person, and others constructive criticism of you is necessary for this. But what I think is more important is that you sit and meditate, and recognize the things that you need to work on. Not for others, but because in the long run it will make you happy.

I recognize my faults as a young woman, and believe me I am trying every day to get a little better at this conscious adult thing...

I am not trying to reach perfection, as that is ridiculous. I am simply trying to be happy.

Love yourself! Others will follow...

dazed and confused

2011-08-09T17:46:00.000-07:00

I feel like what I imagine Carrie felt when burger left her that post it...

Realize. Accept. Keep it moving'

Ms. M

Skip

2011-08-07T16:15:00.000-07:00

I'd like to skip all the "you have to pay you're dues" and land on a stable not-so-scary place in my career...

I'd like to skip all the horrible dates, the games, the one day I like you so much and the next I'm going to take 6 hours to text back a simple "hello", and land at real-simple-tell it like it is- love...

Until then, there is hope and faith.

My face always gives away my emotions

2011-08-01T10:59:00.000-07:00

Excited

2011-07-10T19:41:00.000-07:00

To be back in my element and see how the rest of this year goes for me...

See you soon concrete jungles!

11 Days

2011-07-04T19:52:00.001-07:00

I can't wait to be back in my city! I miss NYC so much it's really unexplainable. My nights of random moments with my close girlfriends, my mothers cooking, talks with my older cousin, the transferring of trains, my hair salon in Washington Heights, my favorite Thai spot in the LES, the sound of bachata blaring from someone's car, the people watching at Union Sq...

You truly learn to appreciate something precious when it has been removed from your life for a while... I'm glad I was away for six months. Perspective is key in life.

Real love...

2011-06-30T20:02:00.000-07:00

This song makes me feel the same way Unthinkable by Akeys still makes me feel.

I look forward to being in love, real, passionate, supportive love. The kind that you know will get you through any day, the kind that wakes you up with a smile on your face and gives you this sense of hope for the future.

If you have that love with someone, cherish and cultivate it...

Misconceptions

2011-06-26T12:57:00.000-07:00

I understand that through my facebook pictures I may look like one of those females who's only occupation is to throw on some heels and shake my rump, but it is not. Here are some facts about me since it seems there are some misconceptions out there...

1. Yes I do go out, but not as much as people think I do. It is all an illusion. I actually have a career that takes up a lot of my time, mental included. So although my profile picture may scream dancing socialite in reality I am a non-makeup, glasses on the face flats on the feet wearing woman.

2. Yes I date. I happen to attract all sorts of men. But no I don't sleep around. In fact I am the least likely to sleep around. I know, I know-- I have a dirty mouth and say all sorts of inappropriate things to my girls but when it comes down to it I don't have the lack of morals and emotional detachment that most men have to enjoy a couple of random nights with random tall black handsome built like a model strangers. And no, I am not saying I am a saint but what I am saying is exactly what I wrote above.

3. Yes I encourage dating, it helps a person get to know themselves. But I am a bigger fan of monogamous relationships, and so I encourage that as well.

4. Yes I do enjoy a free drink, but no I don't need anyone to buy me one. The first thing I do when I walk into a party is buy my own drink, and if I'm with friends I offer them one as well, and that's fine. I am not the gold digger type nor will I ever be. If you buy me a drink I'll probably end up buying you one as well. I'm not the girl who hangs by a table hoping for a free cup of something, I work hard so I can play hard.

At the end of the day, I don't pretend to be someone I am not. I am not the most connected nor am I the hottest commodity. I don't lead a lifestyle outside my salary bracket. I enjoy sexual gratification as much as the next person but I have wonderful will power and would rather wait for an exclusive partner. And although I do enjoy my life 95% of the time and can say that it is a sweet one, don't read so much into the pictures people... they're only 5% of my story.

I mean what I say, and I say what I mean.

Remember!

2011-06-23T12:06:00.000-07:00

For every person who doesn't want you, there are 10 who think you are more than fabulous.

Know your worth... walk tall with grace.

I laugh

2011-06-22T17:59:00.000-07:00

At the men I've met over the past 11 years who mistake my humor and flirting (if that) for being naive... I know the game. I wrote a whole chapter about it.

Carry on.

Can't change

2011-06-20T13:28:00.000-07:00

You can't change situations that already happened.

You can't change feelings that were hurt.

You can't change people and their behaviors.

But...

You can change how you view and handle life.

Change what doesn't work for YOU and keep what does.

evolving.

How much is that gold fish?

2011-06-14T13:44:00.000-07:00

Everyone around me is either getting engaged or having a baby. Mainly having a baby. If you're having a baby congrats.

I could barely commit to a diet, imagine a child.

hmmm...

Maybe I'll get a gold fish.

Question for you

2011-06-13T23:04:00.000-07:00

What do you define as happiness?

Where's the fast foward button...

2011-06-12T01:41:00.000-07:00

I see what's going to happen and I have no way of changing it. Damn you human emotions and lack of super-powers. Out of all the men that desire me and wish for a chance at a relationship, the one I find myself most interested in does not seem to be on my page.

As per usual.

But, this doesn't mean I won't hold on to the good of the lessons that are to follow... thank you experience.

At the end of my day, men will come and go... I'd rather trip over a couple of stones now and enjoy a nice cold beer with my equal later.

Living.

As fate will have it...

2011-06-12T01:24:00.000-07:00

I am moving back to NYC. Not because I couldn't make it out here in LA but because my career demands it...

How do I feel? Bittersweet to be exact.

I love NYC, no matter how much shit people may talk about my city, I will always love it. And I mean that deep, crazy, butterflies in your stomach, excited about it love. True never ending, non-judgemental love. I have a multitude of open arms at home waiting to give me that love that I hold very closely to my heart.

LA? Well, LA is like the guy you don't really want to date at first and end up catching feelings for. I've enjoyed my growing relationship with my sorors out here and my wonderful roommate. I've enjoyed being home 85% of the time and spending time with myself, figuring myself out in this new stage of my life. I've enjoyed my diverse co-workers who have embraced my crazy dry sarcastic humor... I've enjoyed the few dates I've had with some sweet men. The one's who managed to get through my "mean" demeanor made my time out here that much more memorable.

But, as fate will have it, as she always has it, I will be where I'm meant to be. And this time around is back to NY. I'm excited to return to my most faithful and lasting relationship (aside from the one I have with God), and that's the one I have with my city.

Cheers to what lays ahead...

Sigh

2011-06-08T23:07:00.000-07:00

Just when the world started to seem more stable,

I find myself in the middle of an earthquake.

I keep repeating to myself...

Life only throws you what the universe knows you can handle

Stages

2011-06-06T23:54:00.000-07:00

When we're in our teens we go through a height spur... I find myself in a mental and emotional one.

I just...

2011-06-06T23:48:00.000-07:00

In romance, I take my risks. The worse that could happen is that

I have another lesson to add to my book.

Besides, someone out there is looking forward to someday

having me in their life...

Leaping.

A shift in the stars...

2011-05-03T23:29:00.000-07:00

I've reached 25...

And I have so much to be grateful for...

I have my health, a flourishing career, an unbreakable support system and the guidance from God...

With age comes wisdom, even though I've always thought myself wiser than most people in my age bracket, but regardless these years have taught me plenty. Experience is the best teacher after all...

I've learned that you have to make moves for yourself, because sitting around and wishing for it wont make it come true. Be proactive about your happiness is my motto.

I've learned that real friendships will survive anything, even when you feel you've come to an end- a new leaf is turned.

I've learned that family is not just blood but it is also about a spiritual connection with others... those who truly understand me, and do not judge me. Those who question my logic and push me to better myself, those who give me a reality check when I'm out of line and who pick up my call no matter the time when I'm ready to cry. To those, I say thank you.

I've learned that in romance risks are meant to be taken. All the men I've been romantically involved with have taught me a lot. The emotional availability and understanding that I have come from those relationships... From the older men to the younger ones I've dated... the straight up assholes to the overwhelmingly loving... the fathers, the artists, the athletes...

A lesson from each has come to me. And for that I'm thankful, because the man who ends up being my partner will have an amazing devoted and pure love as his companion.

I've learned that I am now not just a woman learning to navigate through life as I inch closer on the bridge God is helping me build, but that I am also a woman who can impact other women who need a mentor and a voice to tell them that all is possible as long as you believe in your capabilities in this world. Believe in the power of YOU.

My girl Jmo asked me what I wished for this 25th year... I said growth and love. Growth in all aspects of my life. And love from family, friends, God and self... love from a man would be wonderful, but only when life feels I'm ready for it.

On this 25th year of life, I want to acknowledge and thank all those who have given me the unconditional love, positive energy and support. I would not be the woman I am today if it weren't for you.

It takes a village to raise a child...

Happy 25th to Me

End one chapter...

2011-04-29T16:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you have to let go and let the universe catch you.

For men: How to not fk up...

2011-04-27T16:31:00.000-07:00

Here are a list of things that men should NOT do if they want to keep a woman who is amazing...

Don't act like your time is more important than hers, everyone has sht to do
Don't do one thing at the start of a relationship and get lazy 3 months into it, if that is not you from the start then don't do it
Don't get salty when something doesn't go your way and try to be indifferent, it comes off as you being an idiot and frankly it will backfire 9 out of 10 times
Don't fk up multiple times (and you know how you fk up) and then when she ends things you want to hit her off with a text on how you miss her or if she misses you, a text is the bare minimum and therefor makes you a lazy mofo. Put in work if you want her.
Don't ignore a text/call for days and then act like you didn't, again you look like an ahole
If she communicates to you something that bothers her or that affects the relationship, acknowledge it and work on it, if you don't it makes you look like a man who does not listen nor cares
Look up, memorize, remember and practice: RECIPROCATION

Just my 2 cents for the days as men who are making simple minded ahole mistakes seem to be a recurring theme this week.

FanStar

ps- this only applies to men who have already established a relationship with the female, if she has never given you the time of day then find another one...

Waiting to Exhale

2011-04-21T23:36:00.000-07:00

I'm going to pick up a copy of this novel, something keeps calling me to it... maybe it's the fact that they announced a sequel to the movie, or maybe it's because the title resonates with me so much...

Living in a new place comes with a lot of ups and downs. This move has affected me emotionally and mentally. I have days where I feel so happy I made this move, and others that make me wonder just exactly what was I thinking... but that's part of every major choice we make in life.

College, careers, love...

Everyday I wake up and I pray, and I pray every night too. Everyday I think of what I want out of life, and how I can maintain my happy healthy state of mind, body and soul.

I think that is the most important lesson I'm learning out here in LA, that maintaining that happy state is important. Whether it's at work, in your home, when you're sharing yourself with someone or simply when you're by yourself.

After all, there is only one of you and you have to deal with you for the rest of your life.

Learning everyday

2011-04-15T14:12:00.000-07:00

Today marks 5 years of being part of my sorority. I can't believe its been 5 years. I remember when I began my process, when I got my gear, the days I went above ground and was in Washington Heights giving greetings as people passed by and wondered what the fk was going on... and most of all I remember crossing and how amazing it felt to know I had accomplished something that many try and don't finish.

The truth is pledging taught me a lot, how to deal with difficult people, the meaning of solidarity, conditioning and discipline... I learned so much during those months, and I wouldn't change it for anything. It molded me in so many wonderful ways.

For that I'm thankful.

Happy 5 years to all my line sisters who earned their letters on this beautiful day!

I made it to a Month!

2011-03-03T14:11:00.000-08:00

I can't believe its been a month since I've moved to LA! I am impressed with myself.

What can I say about LA? I live in Hollywood, so I live in what would be midtown in NYC. The main things are easily accessible to me through a walk or the metro-- don't get crazy and think its like the MTA. The trains here come every 10 minutes and don't take you to every corner of the land. However, I must say that the characters on the train out here are very entertaining. I've seen some crazy/funny things on my way to work... and have also heard some funny stories. Like a guy coming up to my co-worker, standing in front of her face and belting out "Imma buy you a drank" by T-pain. Could you imagine? She said it much funnier than this, so I am not giving it much justice.

I've seen the "I'm so Hollywood" people who have no reason to think so highly of themselves but do, and I have also had the chance to meet the sweet down to earth types who are just enjoying the sunny days. Being from NYC def helps me see right through the facade people wear like costumes out here... every day... But it's cool, to each their own right?

Work has been challenging but wonderful. I am learning so much more than I thought I would. It's nice to know I can bring much more to the table in my career for the future...goals, goals, goals...

My favorite part of this move (aside from a walk in closet) has been bonding with my roomie Nicole. At the moment we don't have a TV or Internet (reason why I have not blogged) and it has "forced" us to talk. HAHA. Not to say we are anti-social to each other, but more that we have used that to get to know each other better. I feel blessed to have someone who is as chill (funny, crazy and goofy) as I am with a good heart for a roomie... Because this could have easily gone down hill super fast.

Cali guys have 0 swag haha, well so far! Sorry Cali! We'll see though, I just started to explore... so stay tuned because I'm sure I'll have some funny stories to share.

To all those who show me love and send their support, thank you. It doesn't go unnoticed.

I encourage everyone to Dream Big, taking risks are not easy but they at least allow you to grow as a person... and growing is the most important part of life.

<3>

Welcome to the Land where sht gets interesting

2011-02-07T22:06:00.000-08:00

It has been an interesting past three days in Los Angeles... I have experienced two extremes, and I am ready to stick to one... To put it in NYC terms I went from hanging in Soho to hanging in the projects in red hook... Bad. BUT! Funny! You always have to laugh at the things that come your way.

I am enjoying LA thus far, but I can't say I am in love with just 24 hours... I don't believe in love at first sight (shocker). The weather is def gorgeous, and as a person who has never worn shades (other than for fun)-- I will be buying a pair rather soon.

I already felt culture shock at its finest but I am embracing it... Cali has its own vibe and swag going on and I'm ready to consume it... without losing sight of my NYC'ness...

People are extremely nice, I've had random conversations with a bunch of individuals and none tried to get money from me nor were they trying to get my number... And some were white... lol Yea, I was a little shocked. No offense to my white people out there. Just never experienced that in midtown on a Thursday at 3 pm.

I am excited for the weekend, the Grammy's are here and I hope I get to sneak into a party! hehe. Just a fly on the wall...

Stay tuned much more to come...

<3>

dang

2011-01-17T10:37:00.000-08:00

sometimes forgetting is a lot harder than I think.

City of Angels

2011-01-09T19:09:00.001-08:00

2011 has officially started for me on the right foot. After an interesting 2010 with so many ups and downs and surprises I was blessed with an amazing opportunity right as 2010 was saying bye to all of us. New decade for the world means new chapter in my book.

I am very excited to announce my move from NYC, city of hustlers money makers and all that jazz, to LA-- where the temperature is sweet and one out of every six people is in a creative field... I see me growing artistically in endless ways.

A part of me is sad to pick up and have to "leave" my mom, family and friends... my dolls who make me want to be a better woman every day, my lower east side where I can walk for hours and be happy, my uptown where I am reminded why being part Dominican is awesome... But, when opportunity knocks you have to be ready and willing to open that door as fast as you can. One of my favorite quotes is by Salvador Dali and it reads "Life is too short to remain unnoticed," and these are words I live by.

I would be stealing myself from something great because of fear... and fear is simply not enough of a reason for me to do so...

So! Soon this East coast dope girl is going to make her mark out on the West side. Let's see if Katy Perry had it right (ironically enough I dressed up as her for Halloween).

Hello San Francisco, Malibu, three hour drive to Vegas, 1,000 musical, theater, dance, and performing groups, The LA Times, and of course Lakers. I'm ready. I'll be sure to document my experiences as I ride this wave.

FanStar

Ah to Be Enlighten...

2010-12-02T17:50:00.000-08:00

I've had an issue since I started dating, which was at the age of 14. That means 10 years of carrying this issue around. Although I was aware of this issue on a basic level, it wasn't until today after it was broken down to me by one of my dearest friends and confidants that I realized that this issue happens to also be my reason for the many unsuccessful relationships under my belt. I my friends, am guilty of: being in love with the idea of love & relationships.

This ideal has led me to lack a very important part of dating, that is the act of screening men properly... this is my aha! moment. I didn't even know what a screening process was until 20 minutes ago when I had to ask what was I doing wrong to attract these type of guys (these guys being the non-successful ones), after all the common factor is me. And although I am very aware of how awesome I am (not perfect, just awesome) there was still a missing piece-- or rather a VERY BIG one.

The screening process, if you're like me and didn't know what it was, is when you actually take your time to get to know someone past the superficial sht, the he opens my door pays for dinner and sent me flowers to work stuff... Yes, as my counselor (love u) said: thats nice and all but what about the other stuff? Aha! again.

See the other stuff, like he has mom issues, he gets angry quickly, he is jealous, he has children, he has a drinking problem, he is a chauvinistic pig who doesn't want me anywhere but the kitchen, his age ... yes, those factors. Those VERY BIG factors, that I have noticed from the BEGINNING and force myself to ignore because of my "ideal" have bitten me in the ass in the short run.

A good guy friend once told me: Fanny, when someone shows you who they are-- believe them. Plain and simple. Yes no one is perfect, and yes you have to know where to compromise... but no, you should not cast aside deal breakers. Learn from me, it is bad for business.

My past two boyfriends (three years in between each other) were emotionally draining. But one BIG comparison is that both were official (you're my boyfriend and I'm your girlfriend) after only one month. Yes, life has no time lines and everyone works differently, but no jumping into an official relationship with someone was not a healthy move. See, my "ideal" and I (which is partly rooted in the fact that my awesome mom is single and I'm quite scared of ending up alone-- bare with me here this is a breakthrough) have led me to create a pattern for myself which allows me to do the following: when I meet a guy I am immediately interested in and find beyond amazing I turn into "Fanny that wants a long lasting awesomely healthy and fun relationship" and put "Fanny who would quickly tell her best friend that her boy is psycho because of ABandC" behind a closed door, even if she is banging as loud as she can.

The truth is I focus so much on the positive that I overlook the obvious red flags. I have compromised myself many a times in numerous pseudo relationships, giving so much of myself so quickly that when I finally allow myself to recognize he wasn't a good match out loud I am utterly disappointed. It's like walking into the same diner every time knowing in the back of your head that they don't serve the food you like.

The good news is, that I have grown so much this year emotionally and spiritually that I not only recognize the red flags but I am also acknowledging them from the beginning. And today was probably the biggest moment of enlightenment for me.

From this moment forward I pledge to myself to have a screening process and to be conscious that although love and a relationship will be great, they are not fairy tales. They take time... way more than a few weeks.

Like she said: are you so quick to be best friends with females you meet? (my response was a shy no), then why do it with the men you date?

Aha... and all of a sudden the room is lit.

I hope this helps someone out there as it helped me...

MisUnderstood

Every night I pray for many things, and for myself I always ask for guidance. I am blessed to see that the one above has placed some amazingly honest womyn in my life that provide enough illumination as I continue to create my own.

Good

2010-11-19T07:28:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling good.

Mind.

Body.

Soul.

Lets keep swimming... <3

It's Important

2010-10-12T19:15:00.000-07:00

To go to the doctor regularly. It sucks that many of us can't get good health insurance, or affordable insurance for that matter. I guess this is a blessed time frame since I got some HI after over two years of not having any. God I was scared out of my mind waiting for all my results today...thankfully I'm healthy.

Get yourself checked, take care of yourself now so that when you're in your 60s you can run around with your grand kids and enjoy the rest of your life.

Make it happen. <3>

Angry

2010-09-30T10:45:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one who's angry at this damn economy?

Am I the only one who feels lost?

Uncertainties have a way of chewing away your dreams.

A private school college degree.

A great resume for a 24 year old.

And still yet unemployed.

Thousands of dollars in debt.

Living at home.

Not enough space to feel at ease.

I feel like I'm mentally bugging out and I'm trying really hard to stop it. I'm the inspirational voice for many, the one who motivates peers to dream big and move forward. Slumps are just slumps. But today I am angry at this economy. And the fact that it makes me feel less capable because instead of being out there doing something useful for my community and self growth I am at home sending my resume. Massive amounts of times.

Excuse my anger, or perhaps it's just frustration.

I'm not a surfer, but I'm learning to ride this wave.

20 Years

2010-09-29T13:43:00.000-07:00

20 years of existence

20 years of sisterhood

20 years of women beginning a process

20 years of women excelling in life

20 years of friendships that have grown into more than just

chapter meetings & programs

20 years of stories & support

To think that 20 years ago 13 women dared to DREAM BIG

and 20 years later their dream continues to build with each new member.

I'm sure my founding mothers did not think this far ahead,

but then again who would have.

I'm proud to be a SIA and to have earned my letters.

Even though I'm not involved as much as I was four years ago,

I am still very aware of the fact that I joined

The Best Hermandad

So to my sisters I say: S.U.E.I.

Since September 1990

Sometimes...

2010-09-29T13:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I let slumps get to me. Things can't always have a high... what goes up must come down. I like to remember and be conscious of moments like this so that when I do succeed I can appreciate the things i have even more.

Today the sunshine reminded me that I have to be proactive about my happiness. After all I'm only 24, and I believe I just began to live.

<3>

turns

2010-09-27T10:51:00.000-07:00

so many ups and downs and crossings and forks on the road.

wtf am I going to do with my life?

Hmmm. No final answer.

Unconventionally Sweet

2010-08-24T18:45:00.000-07:00

I'm always trying to figure out how I could reinvent myself. A classic version of myself with a twist. A twist of lime with sugar on the side... hmm.

What do I want to be? Where do I want to be? Who do I want to be?

I honestly don't know yet. As I'm starting to build this thing to define it would be difficult and quite impossible.

Sometimes we get so caught up in trying to figure ourselves out that we forget to just live. In the now.

So last night, after some comfort food and prior to an inspiring conversation with an amazing man

I decided to ink a reminder on myself. An ideal of mine and a motto I don't want to ever forget.

I don't want to ever limit myself.

Or to live by other peoples rules (and I mean social rules) or standards.

What my closets friends might find risque or wild or ridiculously unconventional, I may see as normal.

I want to expose myself like undeveloped film, and see where life takes me.

Who knows, I might end up in the suburbs making cookies for my kids soccer team (yum!)

I might end up traveling the world, and living off my backpack for the next 10 years.

Whatever it is I end up doing, where ever this thing takes me... I want to always remember to

DREAM BIG

The heart at the end symbolizes something bigger than just a cute symbol.

But lets just say they follow me, and are truly an omen whenever I'm doubting my place in this universe.

To the person who held my hand, and shared part of their journey with me. Thank you. There are two types of people in this world, the one's who overcome adversity and the one's who give up because of a cloudy day. Sometimes we are at the right place, at the right time. Sometimes it is what it is.

MisUnderstood

Dedicated to: Unconventionally Sweet

words

2010-08-23T10:24:00.000-07:00

I love it when you're dating someone and they say all the right things, do all the right things, make you feel all the right things... got you calling friends to brag about the kiss, got you running around looking for the perfect outfit, got you wondering what is next... got you... got you... rewind.

Lets go back to the "say all the right things" part. I know we have no control over the future, or the way things end or the relationships that turn into friendships... but we do have control over our words. Why would you say things and then go back on your words. I like staying friends with those who were special to me at some point in time... and I'm learning that this can't always be the case. I just wish men would be more receptive and conscious of their words... words...that got you... got you... got you...

rewind.

Whether you like it or not, you are now part of my history...I'm my own narrator.

MisUnderstood. Recalling my past, so that I don't trip over the same stone twice in my present...

Pregnant...

2010-08-17T10:09:00.001-07:00

The anticipation of my future is making me so anxious you'd think I'm going to give birth... I guess that's the irony since I'm pregnant with thought... but isn't that always the damn case? Hmmm.

So what is next? I'm border line contemplating buying a one way ticket to some place and just taking it from there, but then I think of the fact that this only works out for young pretty girls in movies. And although sometimes I swear I'm in a show (a la 'The Truman Show') I know it wouldn't be as easy nor as fun as that girl had it from Coyote Ugly...

Is not that I'm not willing to take the necessary risks, I'd love to move somewhere for a year and live an experience (like my girl Jmo) but I'm just trying to be logical. I picked up this logical thing at the beginning of this year when I realized I was quick to make executive decisions and then they would wait for me in that dark alley and kick my ass. And there is no sense in being jumped... ya'na'mean!?

I guess I just get really impatient with myself and where I think I should be at this moment in my life. I know I'm blessed and can't complain---so I am not.

I'm just experiencing some major contractions... so bare with me as I give birth to this thing called life.

((smile, its contagious))

MisUnderstood

My senses don't lie...

2010-08-05T17:20:00.000-07:00

I'm in a transitional stage of life... I feel as if I'm running in place and someone is holding me by the back of my shirt, teasing me. I'm just waiting for fate to let me go so I can move forward with destiny.

The things I want are so close I can smell them. At the end of last year Love was on my mind 24/7, now its my career and my dreams of that apt. I can see my king size bed with white sheets and a million pillows waiting for me at night, I can see my wall of inspiration painted by one of my friends ready for my viewing pleasure every day I awake. I can smell the sweet scent of my sazon on the frying pan as I cook for my dinner party... I envision 10 candles lit around me as I take a bubble bath, drink a glass of red wine and listen to the soothing voice of Maxwell.

I hear my my phone ring at my desk and the sound of my voice answering, I see my De La Vega mug that reads "BECOME YOUR DREAM" steaming with my morning green tea. I can feel the keys of my mac underneath my finger tips as I come up with something creative... and if my creativity is lacking I can look up and see the photographs of my parents and friends smiling at me encouraging me to keep going...

If wants and needs self manifest, then let the visions of my very near future come true. Stability, liberty and the continuation of my #1 goal in life: HAPPINESS.

To that higher being, all I ask if for guidance.

Like a Phoenix I risse...

Utterly Surreal...

2010-08-05T09:48:00.000-07:00

It was March, and I was having an anxiety attack at the thought of not knowing what was going to happen next in my life. My time at People en Espanol had come to an end and Univision had not called me back--after two interviews-- so my head was spinning, you would have thought I had a hang over.

And then I get an email back from Ms. Gardner telling me there might be a position for me at the NYILFF, except the decision was up to the new Managing Director- Ms. Bravo. I was nervous --not going to lie, after all I had done my research and Ms. Bravo's resume was more than impressive. But when things are meant to be the road magically opens, and here I am ready to share with you my experience with the NYILFF.

From the beginning I knew it would be an amazing experience, my first conversations with Liz & Tanya were filled with laughter and story telling. One by one the staff walked into our cubicle space, and one by one I fell in love with their personalities and welcoming auras. I knew I was not just another employee, I new I was part of a team... and now I know I was actually part of a family.

From Tanya's requests at 90 mph (which I caught by the way, I'm amazing at multi-tasking), to my on going wit battle with Juan, there was never---and I mean never a dull moment in that office.

I had Aneudy to beat up (I know you loved it amiguito), Calixto to walk in and say something fabulous, Carmen to share her goodies (and by that I mean the tons of food/candy she brought in... I declined but maybe I shouldn't have haha), Sonia to steal my desk when I had just gone to the bathroom, Lyndon to tell me "you don't have to worry about that, I got this" (and he did), and Liz to be the encourager-- never did I go home without her saying " Thank you!" or "Great job you rock!"

Where else do you get such amazing support and love and honesty? Only at NYILFF.

The Festival came and went and I'm going through major withdrawal. I miss waking up to Carmen's laugh and Tanya's "GIRLS GIRLS WE HAVE A CALL WAKE UP!"... to Aneudy's "Yall want breakfast?" and Liz's "You guys are killing me over here..." when we were running late (SORRY!)... I'm missing April from SKA telling me exactly where whatever was when I called her asking for xyz (you're beyond amazing)...I'm missing Jessica's & Oscar's excitement to be interviewing people (thumbs up to you two), Sasha's magical fingers taking pictures and uploading them on to our Twitter for the followers to see...I'm missing the gazillion flashes from the gazillion photos we took on the green/red carpet, The Cell-- where during the day we were printing lists like mad women and at night we were down stairs talking up a storm and sharing stories. I miss the fact that we had no idea of time, and yet we were looking forward to the next day.

Every day ran as smooth as a river, every day the after parties were beautiful and well executed, every day I saw my family with a smile on their face-- no matter how much running around they had done since the morning.

I am beyond thankful to have met, worked and grown with such an awesome group of individuals who just wanted one thing: An unforgettable festival.

And you know what, from the way I'm feeling right now, I say mission accomplished.

Until next year.

Loving the NYILFF Team of 2010.

Como una estrella fugaz...

FanStar

And then it hit me...

2010-07-31T08:34:00.000-07:00

Mental break. That's what I was doing. And then there it was, a picture of my ex with a girl. I'm not one to go looking for things--- because if you're looking you shall find, and frankly I just don't care nor do I want to know. But this, this was not just a regular picture, this was romance on my screen... and I knew, right there and then that this was a new love.

I'm going to wear my heart on my sleeve now...

Slap. Punch. Kick. I felt like I had just gotten jumped on a shady street. My first love broke my heart... and now he has a new girlfriend. I don't hold grudges and I don't wish bad upon new love, never... but understand we parted ways because he didn't have time for a relationship, and weeks later he was on to the next one.

I'm not playing the victim, I'm just shocked. I trusted someone with my emotions, something hard for me to do-- maybe its because of the whole absent daddy thing--- and I forgot how vulnerable I can truly be.

Made me step back and wonder if there was something wrong with me, but I stopped that thought quick... there is nothing wrong with me. We were just the wrong match, hopefully his new love is the right one.

I just wish he would have been more honest, because at least then I would have walked on the opposite side of that shady street, where the whole block was lit.

And so I shed.

MisUnderstood.

Pre-Festival

2010-07-26T21:12:00.000-07:00

The Festival officially kicks off tomorrow and I am super excited! What an experience to be a part of something so big! Yes? yes......totally!

Today we had the El Espiritu de la Salsa event at 135th st and St. Nich... it was a great turn out! People were enjoying the live salsa band, some lady killed it on the "dance floor"--- made me want to run and dance ( I did, but in place)... ahem.

I loved the vibe everyone was giving off, it was a great way to start my week.

So here is to a great week, to a wonderful staff that keeps it real (at all times), here is to a new adventure I get to tell my grandkids about, to new stories I get to write about, and to whatever is coming next in my life...

I pray for guidance... embracing my present while awaiting my future.

En paz.

FanStar.

Laugh with me...

2010-07-19T14:21:00.001-07:00

Let me share my summer dating thus far, maybe you learn something new from it or perhaps you laugh it off as I've been doing... I'll give cliff notes.

There was white boy with swag, totally dope on so many levels. We could talk for hours about basketball or the discovery channel. He was into random events and didn't mind my Erykah Badu-ness.... and then there was his ex. Who was not really an ex, yet she was... but no wait, she wasnt... so what was it?

(File under: Pseudo Connection)

Then there was the Puerto Rican, totally opposite from the other Puerto Rican. Maybe thats why I was attracted to him... hmmm. Tough on the outside sweet behind curtains. I still don't understand why it is men like to pretend to be anything but real... Aspiring emcee, angry about something or the other--I forget... He didn't understand why I liked all things to be positive but learned to roll with my hippie-ness...(Shifty Eyes) I'll blame it on my weakness for that accent.

(File under: It happens)

There was also the date that spoke about gas,vomiting and poop during dinner (hmmm classy)... there was the one who went from being sweet and funny to loud obnoxious and vulgar in a matter of 20 minutes (this was at a diner, with another couple---I love live novelas, don't you?)... we had the cheap one who complained about everything in sight (in particular at an event he invited himself to... ) and the "wtf just happened" continues--trust...

I've had the short, the bald, the tall the conceited, the mean the confused the overly emotional (for all the wrong reasons), the too comfortable too soon, the I think I know it all so don't dare challenge me, the past lovers who are trying to make a comeback, the obviously lying... and they are all emotionally unavailable. (laugh with me)

I'm not complaining, trust me I am better off than plenty of women my age... but, just laugh with me...

I'll share a recent encounter, which was very ironic.

Last week as I'm getting ready to meet up with some of my favorite women, my two aunts and mother are having a conversation on men (yap yap yap women need new topics--haha look @ me with this blog, hush! and read). So they're discussing the different benefits of dating white, black and latino men. I wont get into details because the conversation was borderline hysterical and a tad offensive (plus I can't share all they say, I won't be allowed back into the triangle of trust)... Entonces, at the end of the conversation my 2 cents were that it doesn't matter what race nor what nationality or shade of color the man is, it boils down to his education/manners/life stage/respect for females... etc etc etc.

Fast forward to the evening, I find myself at this restaurant in midtown with my girlfriends. Good vibes are all in the air and by the end of the night a conversation is sparked between myself and a very handsome tall well established Irish/English man---however in his words, he was the "ultimate white boy"... ok.

Conversation is great (check). Humor is wonderful (check). Attraction (check, check, check). All was well in cupids eyes, contact information was exchanged and then the end.... right? NOT quite. The "ultimate white boy" decided to continue the conversation through text, and within the first 10 minutes of the conversation he asked me to join him back at his place (and thats me putting it in a sweet way), I of course declined multiple times (yes, multiple).

The moral of my story is, it doesn't matter that he was white and well off, his class was lacking. At no point did I give the hint or the green light that I wanted to go home with him. Not even my outfit was inviting. Like my MJ told me, "men have one formula and they apply it across the board, unfortunately it will work on one girl more than once"... I'm not saying white men are scumbags, I am saying that all men are capable of being it.

Haci que, ojo! Watch yourself ladies! And men, same goes for you... I see the vultures with their claws out all the time... Hay mi madre, que generacion.

In good humor (and honesty)...

FanStar

All I think about...

2010-07-13T20:28:00.000-07:00

Is the two goals I have for this year....

Paciensia y fe.

Gnite Universe.

Fireworks...

2010-07-08T19:54:00.000-07:00

This Drake song feat Ms. Akeys has been going off in my head like fireworks themselves. So much going on right now and yet so much more that needs to happen, that I want to make happen, that WILL happen.

The NY International Latino Film Festival is coming to a closing-- or rather officially took flight this past week. I feel like it's my last month at Marist and I have a gazillion things to do, everything demands my attention... including my future and what moves I'll make next.

I'm super excited about the festival though, I'm excited to be part of such a great team. Talented people who are making such a huge event happen from their laptops and cubicles. I swear its like brewing magic... the stuff fireworks is made of. I have to say I'm thankful for the opportunity, because experience is the best teacher--- and it doesn't get better than this... especially at just 24.

I'm curious about where I'll be this fall, but I sure hope it's in a sweet sweet place. I'm ready for this next stage of my life, mentally, emotionally... spiritually... all those things simultaneously setting off in my mind... like fireworks.

I'm looking forward to a break from the NYC hectic-ness, by that I mean La Isla del Encanto con mi mejor amiga Daisy Z. Looking forward to laying back, I hope I find a hammock (you know me, I'm a hammock lover)... I look forward to relaxing, and not having my next few weekends planned (which I do)... I just want to stop, freeze and take it all in... like fireworks on a dark summer sky.

I've been super romantic lately. Someone asked me if I was in love again, I had to chuckle. Not at all, but then again I've always been in love with LOVE and will continue to be... Why not? It is part of me, like the skin on my bones and the smile beneath my lips... I'm just happy.

FanStar...

I'm thinking of a master plan, after all thoughts are more powerful than anything I know of.

Please Don't (Let Me Be) MsUnderstood

2010-06-17T09:58:00.000-07:00

There really is no easy way to deal with death. Just saying the word out loud makes the whole room go silent. People scatter or pat you on the back and give you this pitiful look with their eyes, as if they just lost their puppy at the park.

It has got to be one of the most confusing emotions to deal with, because there are too many emotions at once. One minute I'm smiling laughing the next I want to cry uncontrollably. But mainly I just want to be alone. At peace. Without the pity look or the pat on the back. If I'm going to be around people I want it to be normal. Not with everyone walking on egg shells as if doing anything but sitting in a room dressed in black crying is out of the question. And because of that, these emotions are also extremely awkward.

These emotions are also frustrating because I'm Latina. Latino families like to be together at times like this, all at once grieving. If you decide to separate yourself from the pack you are either being disrespectful or just wrong. That's so frustrating. I don't want to be with the group, I want to be with me myself and I. I don't want to be told how to feel or act. I don't want to go to church and light a candle- I'm not a church goer and that's just being a hypocrite on my behalf... why can't I just light a candle at home? If it's not lit at church my cousin wont see it from heaven?! Why can't I just pray as I walk through the park? Why can't I just do this on my own terms...

Being Latina at times like this makes me wonder who made up all these rules and why if they aren't followed it feels like you are a little less Latina than the rest.

I acknowledge death and that it is a part of life... but like someone told me it is only temporary. I will see my cousin again. I will see my friend Jose (may he RIP) and my uncle (may he RIP as well) again...so let me just BE.

No more explanations, no more 21 questions, no more rules, JUST LET ME BE.

FanStar

Tears dry on their own...

2010-06-15T16:01:00.000-07:00

I got the news this am through facebook (go figure fb is officially bearer of all news). Mami found out at five am but didn't want to tell me. I was leaving my house for an event I'm writing a story on. I had to brush off my tears and catch the train.

I amaze myself on how strong I can be emotionally, how much I can endure without throwing it on other people around me.

I didn't run to anyone, except for John Mayer... he soothed me for the rest of my day. I wish I was in the middle of a large crowd sitting with everyone's voices drowning the one in my head out... I wish I was sitting by the beach with nothing but the waves to speak to... Anywhere but here.

My closest friends offer their comforting space and love, and yet I wish I had one strong man to just hold me, to tell me everything is going to be okay... I call that stupid woman syndrome. Out of sight, out of mind.

I wonder how I'll leave my physical form, if I'll come back or choose to stay in the spirit world. I wonder who will shed tears for me, and where they will be when they hear the news. I wonder who will miss me for a brief moment and who will miss me the rest of their life. I never question the one above, but that doesn't mean I always understand her.

First I lost love. And now I lose a piece of my family. I can't take much more losing... 2010 is one hell of a year, both great and sad.

Riding this wave...

R.I.P. Prandy Nova, Love You Cousin... <3

How do you cope?

2010-06-10T08:05:00.000-07:00

Summer is picking up...

I am getting so many amazing opportunities to enrich my career. Extremely happy people want to give me a helping hand and keep me in mind for projects. Lets see where I'm at this time next year. Hopefully still moving to the beat of my own guitar.

Rough time for my family at the moment... but I'm not sure on how to go about in coping with things. So I keep myself busy and try to be my own cheerleader. Except that when you leave me to my thoughts for more than a second I start to think about the current sadness that wants to invoke my body. I feel a bit selfish for not wanting to be home around them, I'd rather be at Union Square watching some guy do backflips. I guess thats my way of coping. Talking to random strangers, or mentioning it briefly to a close friend. When it all goes down I wonder who it is I'll run to for a hug... because at the end of the day I just want to be held and not spoken to. I think the tears will say it all.

Life is so short, which is why I try to make my mark every day. Even if its making someone smile, or just with my blog. My words are a piece of my history. My story.

Best way to put it...

Dory: Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do?
Marlin: No I don't wanna know.
Dory: [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.

FanStar

p.s. I'm not asking for an aww or pity pats, just throwing emotions out into the world. I know I'm not the only one.

Prince charming

2010-06-01T18:19:00.000-07:00

Summer dating officially kicked off for me this May and although I am all for mourning the ending of a relationship, I am also all for jumping back in the water and seeing what the weather throws my way.

The Gods must be feeling rather humorous because the guys I'm attracting are as weird as this weather (although lately I've seen sunny skies so maybe things will shape up). It is astonishing at how I am completely detached emotionally from the guys that have come my way (not even a spark). I officially have A.D.F.D. (Attention Deficit For Dudes). None, with the exception of one (whom I'd like to keep as a friend because he has more than just a sneaker collection to offer) have kept my attention.

I find myself zoning out in the middle of dinners. Thinking of a master plan to escape from the usual boring conversations. Ain't that horrible? And yet I am glad for all these one hit wonder dates. I'm picking up on the many red flags guys come with ("I have a bad temper" "I don't make much money but love expensive things" "I drink a couple of beers every day" "I don't believe in love" "I'm still in love with my ex")-- Listening to my head tell me "ALERT", and running as fast as I can the opposite direction.

Truth is as much as I am enjoying being single at the moment, I truly miss the connection I had with my ex boyfriend. This does not mean I miss him. This means I miss the way I felt, the way it felt. The way I got excited right before we met up, the way we could talk about anything and it always had substance and left me with this awesome feeling the world was balanced right there and there, the way I already had a daydream to jump to when taking the train which could entertain me for hours, the simplicity of knowing that I didn't have to impress him because the way he looked at me told me what he thought of me.

I miss that initial connection, where we couldn't get enough of each other. The fact that I had someone I could do anything with--- from being silly to supporting each others dreams.

And although I am simply laughing all these dates off... I def feel like Prince Charming walking around with a glass slipper, waiting for the right fit.

Hmmm... and the journey continues.

Caught in the Matrix

2010-06-01T17:22:00.000-07:00

May flew by me like a dude speeding on his bike. I’m still shocked that it is June and half of 2010 is over. I bet many of you didn’t put that into perspective yet. But this is the downfall of my mind, always analyzing the most random things. So, this weekend marked the end of May (best month of the year btw) and the beginning of the summer for most NYC heads.

The past few days put me out of my comfort zone since I usually have big weekends planned. But not this time around... I just went with the flow. Literally.

I got to see old friends--shout out to JJ who was a great host Sat. night and really took care of my girl and I. Lerve you!

I also had the opportunity to bury the hatch and start anew with someone whom I had miscommunication with. Sometimes my words get lost in translation, and my pride may set me back a while before I can fully move on from a situation. However, it felt good to hug it out and enjoy the night. I tell you, what being put on the spot does for the soul is priceless (and shout out to Noelle as well, we hugged it out @ Lorris wedding). I suppose May was the month of forgiving and forgetting.

Back to my weekend... I feel like I was caught in a vortex. So much happened that I didn’t fully process what was going on until a day after it did. As if I were an old PC still loading a page... or more like information overload.

Sunday brought me to a wake up bbm from a fellow friend telling me to get up and go, the sun was out. After some wrestling in bed, Hot 97 on blast and a much needed cold shower I went off on an adventure. I had a starting point (thanks to FB-Knower of all) and an accomplice (Big Shout out to Quimster the 1 hitter Quitter).

As I waited for Q to come through on 158 st and Broadway I was pleasantly harrassed by two guys who only seemed to know two phrases: “Real Talk” and “Imma keep it 100”------- Insert -_- face here. I don’t understand why people can’t just talk like normal human beings. Not everything has to sound like dialogue off of a Dipset video.

Regardless the fun went on, and as Q and I made our way into Riverside Park I realized this wasn’t your 15 friends getting together for a quick bbq type of bbq.

The event was called the 40oz Bounce and there were at least 200 people there. It was impressing (and I’m hard to impress). I had in front of me the outcome of an event invite gone viral on the web. The power of social media blows my mind every day. Although the DJ was dope, and the mood was right- No one was dancing (except for this tall red head of course). A lot of cool heads, but too many posers. Sadly enough many people looked the same, and although I’m all for dope style and a guy with a sleeve (tat) I’m def not excited about clones. But! Again! The trend setters set it off and every follower needs a leader... Still, I was simply amazed at the massive crowd. Shout out to the NYPD for killing the fun, you fellers sure know how to meet your quota (Thumbs Up).

My Sunday didn’t end there.... there was me bumping into one of my bosses, passing by a movie set (where my last boss/mentor was at--shout out to Rachel!), ending up in the village with Q, talking love (never fails when alcohol is involved), meeting up with friends from LI and having a random drunk guy point at me and tell my friend: “All the girls here are ugly” (LMAO) At which point I turned and said: Why is he pointing at me!? My friend tells him: “Oh yea? Thats my girl” and the random drunk guy tells him: “Except for her, she’s hot”...... I couldn’t stop laughing. I would have probably responded the same way being that my friend is 6’3. Nice. I love unforgettable sound bites.

Monday should have been a holy day left for rest, but my feet took me to dinner--where I was asked why I was alone? I didn’t realize eating alone was a problem. Next time I’ll bring my imaginary friend Nando.

There is much more in between but some is R rated and other things I’d like to just not have in writing...So.... Cheers to June. I hope you’re as wild and out of context as Memorial Day Weekend 2010 was for me.

Pa’lante como el elefante!

Fan Star

Check out a Video from Sunday's event

I can't stand the rain...

2010-05-17T10:17:00.000-07:00

A cloud of sadness decided to park on my families drive way. I'm not great at dealing with such things. I deal with it in two ways. One is keeping busy, and two is by spending time with myself. This moment of truth, caught us off guard. I'm not understanding why it is that its happening, I'm not comprehending much if anything at all. Interestingly enough, I found comfort in a stranger. I suppose sometimes it is easier to be vulnerable with someone you don't know...I suppose.

I'm afraid I'm coming off selfish to my family, and it is not that I'm not feeling the pain as they are. It's just that I will/am approaching this cloud much differently. As they all sit inside the living room, occasionally looking outside the window checking to see if it decided to go away, I put on my rain coat and boots-- hold on to my toughest umbrella and step outside our door.

This doesn't mean that I am not accepting the circumstance that we find ourselves in... or that I am unfazed. But I trust in the one above, and if this is part of his plan I will not fight it. Embrace. Unravel. Understand.

All these things I'm doing while crossing this bridge.

MsUnderstood...

For the record

2010-05-16T16:20:00.000-07:00

My heart is under construction
Trynna apply a few new things
Concept meeting emotion
Learning to build a cold surface
So detached is how ill function

I'm not interested in you long term
I'm not trynna wife you up
No subliminal messages
Cus' my his just mean wassup

Only want superficial connections
And I still haven't mentioned
The way that this will be
Rule #1
Don't expect any real love from me

I don't have time to be G'd up
So save your lines for
Simple minded hoes
Spray them w/ words like you do to grass w/ your hose
Wine and dine me cus I'm fine
But a dap or a pound is what you'll get for the night
If you get mad, find someone else to fight

Call me distant if you may
But whatever is all I'll say
So don't mind me, enjoy your day

This aint a front
This aint a gimmick
At arms length, that is your limit
Take it or leave it

But always remember that I'm ...
Known to many
A Friend to few
A lover to barely any, especially to you.

Reminders

2010-05-02T20:27:00.000-07:00

These past three weeks have been an emotional rain storm that has begun to fade away. I've evaluated myself emotionally from every angle I could think of. Tried to see myself in a different way after Uv posed the question of what type of emotional pattern I have, and how healthy it is. Most people have dating patterns, meaning their partners tend to have some/many of the same traits. This is not the case for me. However, I happen to have an emotional pattern. Which is not up for discussion just yet --- still inspecting it.

I want to share a little story of how far I've come in dating and how thankful I am for the person it has made me. Two years ago I went out with a guy notoriously known for being many things, and being a good boyfriend was not one of them. But like most lessons in life-- all come with experience. Hands on.

I'll keep this short. The relationship turned toxic rather quickly, and although I knew it was not a great situation I stuck it out. Ah something about believing you can change a person (laughs). By the end of that summer we had a trip to Florida, to meet some of his family. Two days prior to the trip, he breaks up with me. But! the trip could not be cancelled. All was booked, the family was anticipating our arrival. Some of you might think I'm the biggest idiot for going on the trip, but don't judge. When you care about someone you can be very foolish and not even notice it. Anyway, we return from our trip and I am totally devastated. For a week I took all our pictures from Florida and made a scrapbook--- hey, I cope w arts & crafts you cope with liquor, lets move on... A week later, the guy begs me to get back with him, I say yes (foolish moment #2) and a month later after realizing that this was simply not a good look for me, I ended things.

Now, that is the basic ending to the story. I would like to elaborate on the parts where he was emotional, controlling AND had the most ridiculously CRAZY psychotic ex girlfriend evil has managed to birth. But I'll save that for my book.

When this boy broke up with me, I thought I was never going to meet someone like him again. But, I DID. And better. And while being single and living the life of a 20 year old for the past two years, I forgot about that lesson. Until today.

Today I found the scrapbook I made of us in Florida. As I looked through the photos and read all the side comments, I kept thinking: WOW, here I was. And here I am today.

I am thankful that I went against the grain and dated that boy. He taught me early on what a dysfunctional and emotionally unhealthy relationship looks like. Why ex girlfriends, if still mentioned are a huge red flag. Why men should not be unfinished projects for me to finish.

I'm thankful I recognized all of the things in a crappy union early on that some women/men take years to realize/never do (and managed not to allow them to repeat again). I'm thankful I didn't try to change myself from a sweetheart to a btch---just because. Yes, I became more protective of my heart, but that was only fair. A lot less foolish indeed.

So yes! move with caution when approaching the jungle that the dating world is. Yes! be courageous enough to take a leap and say fk it when you meet someone you think might "Just, Be, It". Yes! brace yourself for the end of it all---Break ups aren't usually fun nor easy (with the exception of a few). And YES!... look forward to the fact that it will all happen again.

Learn. Live. BE.

MsUnderstood.

It's now or never

2010-04-26T17:16:00.000-07:00

I read somewhere you should do something that scares the sht out of you every day. I suppose in simple terms that means to take a risk. Risks are tricky, there is no real grey area with them. Either you land on your feet or your ass. However yesterday I did something completely spontaneous --in the sense that I didn't think I'd actually go through with it. I'm all for living in the moment and making a memory, but this wasn't the type of thing to just do casually on a rainy Sunday evening.

For years I've been back and forth on the idea of getting some ink on my body. Never did I like something long enough that I felt I could live with it for the rest of my life. A tattoo is an extension of your being, and it should really say something about you. Which is why I had not taken the plunge. But lately with all the things swirling around my existence, with me continuing to create myself, to DEFINE myself--- I started to really think about what I'd like. And interestingly enough, it was always in front of me. My mantra.

So, Sunday evening my best friend since I was 14 years old, takes a random/not so random trip with me to this Tattoo Shop in Brooklyn. As soon as I step off the train, I feel like I am home. I'm not sure why I always feel like I am home when I'm in Brooklyn. But it was a good feeling---Something was in the air. I had been told about Mistah Metro through a previous conversation and decided to follow up with him after researching his art (the power of google I tell ya). I expected a rude nonchalant artist annoyed at my half nervous/half bubbly personality. And here I found a laid back, welcoming being. Awesometastic? Without a doubt. The shop was spotless, the fellows that work there were amazing to talk to and eased the anticipation. This was already turning out to be the opposite of what I expected.

The best part of the whole thing was that I was with Daisy. She kept me busy with talk while Metro went ahead and worked his magic. She held my hand while I absorbed the ink from his pen.

The result: A very happy red head with a word that will take her through life and back. My tat says Maktub in arabic: Meaning ::It is written:: For those of you familiar with The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho that is where I got it from. I believe in destiny, in fate. In the soul of the universe conspiring in my favor. I believe that I have many roads ahead of me and that the one's I choose to set foot on will be simply unforgettable

Like a Phoenix I rise. An old gypsy soul, with a three year olds spirit.

MisUnderstood

Shop Info:

Jaz Tattoo

Mistah Metro

Dear Summer

2010-04-20T11:04:00.000-07:00

I happen to have high expectations of you this year...

I expect you to be unforgettable...

To remind me every day why Today is the best day to live

To keep my mind full of ideas and thought bubbles

To make my eyes wander across an infinite pasture of men

To give me reason for laughter and new catch phrases

To sweep me off my feet and make me stare at the sky, even if stars are missing...

I expect you to show me a little bit more of my journey on this Earth...

To introduce me to new friends, and re-introduce me to old ones

To expose me to new sounds, tastes, smells and visuals

To give me butterflies at the thought of it all

To provide me an array of platforms where my expressive style can be shared w the world

To move, shake, and build me up and down

Dear Summer,

I expect you to BE. Just Be.

Como una estrella fugaz.

MisUnderstood.

Memories (200th Blog!)

2010-04-19T10:11:00.000-07:00

Dear universe,

You are just taking me on a ride... and I better learn to be okay with it. Go on.

Last Thursday it was my line sisters and I 4th year anniversary in our sorority. It was also the day before her 24th bday, so as you can see we had a lot to celebrate. Her brother got us tickets to an off Broadway show called 'Love, Loss and What I Wore'. The show got me thinking about what it means to be a female, how items can take us on this time travel joy ride and how they affect our present and our future. Like a dress you might have worn on your first date with the man you fell in love with, or a ring that belonged to your grandmother and it's the only piece of anything that connects you to her.

I speak for myself when I say that I may be able to throw many things out, but some things I just can't let go of. Not because I still wear them or use them, but because like old diaries and pictures they hold sentimental value. They tell a story.

200th blog entry. That's pretty big, haha for me at least. I feel like it comes at a perfect time since so much is going on outside and within me. I have shared my current career development, the growth of my friendships and most recent the emotional curve ball that was thrown at me. But like pledging four years ago as a 19 year old kid (because I was a kid), this too shall pass.

It occurred to me this morning how annoying it is going to be to start the dating process again once I'm ready for it. When you go out with someone its like taking a class, you learn all this information--sometimes you get a headache from it-- and when things are over its like having a plethora of books you used for the coarse laying around. Now you have all this knowledge and nothing to do with it.

Well, I suppose it prepares you for the next--or hopefully the last. Regardless, I was hoping that I could put the jersey- or the stilettos- away for a while. And yet that is not the case.

I just have to share that when you are moving forward things will happen a long the way that will try to distract you, that's just the universe testing you. Like folding your sheets and a letter once written with love falling out of your covers-- yes, that happened. Where the letter came from, I have no idea. But the point is, take it for what it is. A test. Fold the sheets, put the letter away. And learn to be okay with it.

Life. Now that's the ultimate coarse.

Oh the places we'll go....

2010-04-13T19:45:00.000-07:00

Today was my first official day with the New York International Latino Film Festival. I embodied Ms. Carrie Bradshaw, wore my heels, carried my mac and that's where the glamour ended... heels in Soho are just not a good mix. The cobble stone is not a heel wearers friend, and the mac, plus the weight of the rest of my body didn't help either. However, like the true fantabulous female that I am-- I kept it moving. Head high, smile wide.

I love the location of the office, can't wait for it to be warmer to walk around after work. Will visit De La Vega's store more often, perhaps he grunts less and says more. Perhaps.

I got to join in on the walk through for two of the theaters we will use for the festival. I fell in love with the SVA theater (which I didn't even know existed). I look forward to the hectic days. (Watch me blog about the craziness later and how I need to remind myself to breath). But busy is good, especially now.

The vibe of the women I will be working with seems just right. I get the feeling I will learn a lot from them, and not just about my next career moves, but about life in general.

The ironic thing about this next move in my life, is that last year I went to see this amazing film called Please Don't Let Me Drown, at their annual Dominican night-- and I fell in love with the whole event. I thought to myself, I have to work for these people. Some how. Some way... and here I am.

Ah how time passes. This is my 199th blog entry! I know my last few entries have been very sad. But I believe in shedding things away, and the easiest way to throw it out into the universe is on this screen. A huge thank you to all my girls who have been keeping me sane, listening to me be a girl. Now that I got a taste of love, I look forward to having it again. Hopefully it stays around. Period. Perhaps.

So on a happy note, brighter days are ahead. I feel it in the wind.

Phoenix Rise

::Men themselves have wondered::

::what they see in me::

::they try so much::

::but they can't touch::

::my inner mystery::

::When I try to show them::

::they say they still can't see::

::I say::

::It's in the arch of my back::

::The sun of my smile::

::The ride of my breasts::

::The grace of my style::

I am a woman. Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me.

Fast forward

2010-04-10T21:43:00.000-07:00

Everything reminds me of something else

everything is everything

I'd like to skip the tears and moping

the one song on repeat

the staring at pictures, the playing of videos

I'd like to skip the part where I relapse

the part where I stare at my phone and debate touching base

the part where I secretly hope this is an April fools joke gone bad

the part where all I can write about is this

the part where I cry in silence while my soul screams

But my fast forward button is broken

it only wants to rewind, pause or play

So even though I rewind for a few minutes,

I gotta remind myself that Tomorrow is a new day.

Maktub

MisUnderstood

"I saw a boy that looked like you, I didn't know what to do, it took power will to break my stare, I realized what I wanted wasn't there" Adele

I'm a little jealous of time...

2010-04-09T08:40:00.000-07:00

The hardest part of getting over someone is when night hits and you are laying in bed waiting to fall asleep. I say this because this is probably the only time during your day you are left alone to be with your thoughts, in silence.

I'm a little jealous of time because it holds all the secrets to the future. But I bet if given the opportunity to see a glimpse of whats to come in my life I wouldn't look. The truth is, all you have to do is surround yourself with people who love you and remind you just how fantastic you are. And all will be ALRIGHT.

Life happens. Don't get too caught up. Shake it off.

MisUnderstood

Summer 2010 will be one for the book.

Potion of Emotions

2010-04-08T08:39:00.000-07:00

My heart feels betrayed

I must've missed my train,

because this one seems delayed.

My woman's intuition winning by default

striking quick like Zeus' thunderbolt

Steady steering turned into a crash

I don't mean to sound dramatic

or rather just too harsh

But any other chick woulda been out in a dash

Quicker than lightning flash.

A million pieces shattered on the floor

most still there... outside that locked door

Time traveling between what was, what used to be, and what it is

a thief of the best kind

stealing your first kiss

and then you stole my mind

leaving my heart defenseless...

how could jaded me be so careless.

And so here I am

back at square one

waiting for step two

One day a memory to you I'll be too.

My heart feels betrayed

and I'm the one to blame

This moment was like water and a flame.

((MisUnderstood))

The quickest way to get over hurt, is by letting it bleed out. (Figuratively that is)

The Conversations we don't want to have

2010-04-06T08:33:00.000-07:00

My birthday is right around the corner! You know how I know I'm getting old?

No, its not because loud High School students annoy me when I'm on the train, or because me and my girlfriends are okay with talking about our future kin. It is because life is putting me at the forefront of confrontation. And I don't mean the physical type where a picture of me with a busted lip might show up on FB, I mean the type of confrontation where you have to have a conversation with someone you love (friend or lover) that brings the "bad" traits of your personality to the surface. Traits that although you may secretly recognize, are blatantly being pointed out by those who matter most in your life.

I hate confrontation. Let me clear that up, I hate confrontation with the people that I love. A stranger, or co-worker I can deal with. But someone whom I love, I turn into pudding masked by my defense mechanism: defensive, shelled up, offended.

I wish I didn't get defensive, but as much as I try it is a trait that just doesn't seem to go away. I say a few words, if at all, and go back into my shell. This of course may come off as standoff-ish. But is not. See, for me to really go through with confrontation I have to go through this whole mental process where I debate with myself the conversation. I dissect it from every angle, and then come back out; clear headed a little less hurt.

The truth is, and I'm sure this was no secret, I am very sensitive. And it scares me when an important relationship is being threatened by any confrontation. Ever since I came to this country I noticed how much I feared the above. I noticed because every time my cousin (who is seven months older than I) got into an argument with me I would be the one to try and make up and apologize. Even though 90% of the time it wasn't my fault.

Although apologizing might be a little harder for me now, if I have my fault in something I will say it. After all, pride is the killer of all-- Especially love.

I don't want my own psychosis to get the best of me, for it to ruin the relationships (of friends and lovers) that I'm working so hard on maintaining.

I recognize my imperfections, and hope that those closest to me have the patience to work with me through this thing called growth. After all, I can only meet people half way.

I can accept that Life will continue to be a roller coaster, I just don't want to be on the ride alone.

MisUnderstood

"When Love Rules Power Disappears. When Power Rules Love Disappears."-PC

window seat

2010-03-27T15:06:00.000-07:00

As much as I am a spontaneous person, I also like concrete things. And not knowing where certain threads of my life will land bothers me. But as I evolve as a woman, I'm learning not to be so hasty.

Its hard. I like taking initiative and changing things if they are not to my liking. I suppose the theme to this year is like what Paulo Coelho said:

"Sometimes the sea sends you the grandest wave you have ever experienced.

Don't ask where its taking you"

As a young person its hard to think past a certain point. Seems like whatever stress or struggle you're experiencing is the end of your world. But I like to remind myself that I have much more walking left on my journey. I suggest you do the same.

Evolving.

FanStar

Happiness. (Thanks Akeys.)

2010-03-25T18:47:00.000-07:00

My moods can alter more or less
But you will not dictate my happiness
Transforming selfishness to selflessness

They say you date in patterns
My book of past lovers would look like a quilt
From dysfunctional personalities to the model citizen built

None came with a how to book
But each left a page on what it was in men
I needed to look for
My taste has altered more not less
Now I know what to respond with when a man says:
________________________________________

Ill leave that blank
And although my paper boats have sank
My needs and wants and goals for that healthy never ending. wild

"crazy love, that I don't really care we can have it any where type of love"
are looking forward to beautiful white doves

I kid.

Definitely sunday mornings where neither of us knows where our night began.
But always know where they end.
Even if we don't see each other
Type.click. Send
My response will always be yes.

So note to self:

My moods will alter more or less.
But only I can dictate the strength of my happiness.

I need a dollar...

2010-03-24T10:58:00.000-07:00

I'm totally digging that song by Aloe Blacc, if you haven't heard it yet go on youtube---listen. This song must be added to my lives soundtrack mos'def. I bet most of you reading this can relate. The beautiful struggle that is to try and make your mark in this outrageously amazing never sleeping city. Yes a beautiful struggle. I'm amazed at how one can wake up crying over what may seem like none sense to others who lack emotion, and then end the day smiling giving a cheers to friendship and the infinite support provided by those once thought to be strangers.

I wish I had a more eloquent way of putting things, but the truth is: Life is fk-in Crazy. The more I grow, and the more I find myself in situations that hand me lessons, the less unfazed I become. But that only lasts for about a minute, since another curve ball is indubitably coming my way.

Lesson #1: Embrace your reality, and understand all is temporary except for happiness. That, you can always have. Just have to remind yourself of it every chance you get.

I'm enjoying my last few days of simple-ness since April will kick off the "Spring/Summer 2010 will be busy and kicking my behind and may cause anxiety attacks so proceed with caution, take each day with a grain of salt, and remember life is too short to remain unnoticed (SD) so be the bright star you are" reality which will be my life.

I believed myself to be a patient person, but I am learning that I was barely there. So starting from scratch I am teaching myself a quality many lack, and few will ever possess. I bet all great leaders had to learn this as well, or if they didn't it was part of why they failed.

I was at the March for immigration reform in DC this past weekend and it looked as if the gates of heaven had been opened. Massive amounts of people, and not just Latinos--Africans,Brazilians (yes I know they are in South America), Irish... Beautiful shades. Looked like a crayola box of 64. Simply awesome. Although my day started at 5 am and I welcomed daylight with some unexpected throwing up (pretty? always) followed by a wisdom toothache (this is when it got fun), I still managed to soak up the energy in the air. I've always wanted to be present at a memorable event- political that is- and I'm glad I seized the opportunity. The best part of the whole day was walking back to the bus. I was able to interact with two young ladies of Colombian descent who attend City College. When I looked back there were no faces to be recognized, we had become one. Unity at its finest. You had drums being played, chants being said. Even the neighbors came outside with pitchers of water and plastic cups to share with their guests.

This beautiful struggle can make one jaded and cynical really quick. But days like the one above, allow my faith in human kind and life to be reborn.

Just gotta have faith.

FanStar

Maktub.

Why is the weather so mad at us...

2010-03-13T12:04:00.001-08:00

Well I know the answer to that. But this weather puts me in a slump. I don't want to go out side and I don't want to do work (even though I'm pushing myself to do so). Facebook tries to lure me in with its pop up messages, and even though some notifications are eye catching, I will move forward with life.

Hmmm I'll wait for the sun...

FanStar

All roads point to... happiness

2010-03-09T20:09:00.000-08:00

So a lot going on in my life. Which is why I had not really blogged in a couple of days. Trying to sort out this new stage that is unwrapping itself like a much needed gift.

First I want to share the news with my fellow supporters that I have gotten the most amazing opportunity ever...thus far in my young life... (drum roll)

I will be working for the NY International Latino Film Festival. I am ECSTATIC. I might as well have jumped on my bed and had a party, except I got the news at 8 am so I did the body roll happy dance in my head. For about 30 minutes. Oh the JOY!

(sigh) Sometimes you have to be persistent. And DREAM BIG.

As I have been embarking on new thought waves and spending more time with my now partner in project crime Ms. Jmo... I have also gotten the chance to be around her family more often. I always admired her family and the way they were around each other, but now that I am interacting with them regularly I feel super blessed to be around such a dope family. I've realized that a happy marriage and a welcoming home are possible. That kids that hug and love you when you get home from a long day at work does exist. And that its PERFECTLY okay to want the above. And no, it doesn't only exist in mid-western states, it also exists right here. Right now.

And so I realize that not only do I want this (when before I didn't even believe in marriage) but that I also deserve it.

So praise the above spirit that is guiding me through this journey, thank you for not letting my faith dissolve. And in case I forget to say this in the future(which I wont) THANK YOU in advance for my husband and kids. Its just what I wanted.

Happiness is a state of mind.

Maktub baby.

FanStar

Maktub

2010-03-06T14:49:00.000-08:00

I'm learning to re-define myself. Mentally, Spiritually, Artistically & through Style.
Spending some time alone and with friends this past week has sparked a new lively-hood within me.

I'm not so scared any more.

Maktub.

MisUnderstood

How do you feel?

2010-03-02T09:01:00.001-08:00

I've been asked this a couple of times over the last few days and my answer really depends on the moment. I'm trying to stay optimistic and find the positive in every situation.

Funny thing is I only get nervous when my instincts tell me something bad is going to happen, something like "spidy sense", but my instincts are as serene as can be.

So how am I feeling today? Sunny. With a few strong winds.

FanStar

Dominicana/Española & Afro-Latina

2010-02-25T08:49:00.000-08:00

Afro-Latino. A term that seems to be sprouting up like the rose that grew from the concrete now more than ever.

I went to an event last night held by Columbia University that was all about being Afro-Latino in the Americas and how this affects us as adults and how it affects our children. Although the forum was focused more on how to teach this term and how to discuss this part history to students in a classroom setting, it did spark many questions and discussions when the floor was opened to the attendees.

One girl, from the teachers program @ Columbia, expressed that she couldn’t wrap her mind around the notion that Latinos can be racist. I nearly fell off my chair. It is sad, but it is true. Latinos can be racist within themselves and even within their own families. And I am sure as it was mentioned in last nights forum, that it all dates back to the ideals of what “pretty” or what “the best” was during times of colonialism.

What is more sad is that what our parents learned (if they were born in the “native land”) was taught to us in one way or the other and most of our generation continues to live in a box that doesn’t want to neither accept our African roots nor identify with it on a basic level. I understand that Afro-Latino is a loaded term that can cause an ocean of emotions to turn into a tsunami.

But it does not change the fact that we need to discuss this. I was aware of this term but have never really looked into it, until now. I think now I am ready to sit my mother down and attempt to have this conversation. Lets talk about why it is that people in Dominican Republic say “Tienes que ayudar a la raza” (you have to help better the race). Even if said in the context of a joke, I don’t find that funny. Or why is it that if you are dating someone who is black or Afro-Latino but has Anglo features, they say “ES UN(A) MORENO(A) FINO(A)” (He’s black but he has fine features). What bothers me more is that these are comments coming from people with caramel skin, button noses and wide lips.

What is the issue? Makes me upset. But at last, ignorance is a choice at this age. And I choose to learn rather than to live in this box filled with stereotypes, assumptions, and inherited hatred from the slave trade. I want to look into linguistics, hypo-descent, colonialism etc etc. I know my children will be quite colorful on the outside and I want them to be fully aware of their backgrounds.

Someone in the room said : HOW COULD YOU BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE, IF YOU’RE ASHAMED OF WHERE YOU’RE FROM.

I say the same.

The second part of the forum brought to us a performance by a group of people who had not played together in the past and they were so AMAZING. They played and explained instruments like the congas, el subidor, el buleador etc. they discussed bomba plena in Cuba vs. Puerto Rico.

At one point this woman got up and started to dance and with the shake of her hips and tick of her shoulders she told the drum what to play. It was simply AWESOMETASTIC. After their mini history lessons on the Orishas (a whole other subject I want to explore) and their wonderful songs; I felt as if my soul had been cleansed. It’s the only way to explain it. I kept imagining myself on an island at night dressed in white, hair wild and loose with fireflies lighting the way.

I love culture. Cultura. History. Herstory. OURstory.

Learning.

FanStar.

Beggers cant be choosers

2010-02-22T15:31:00.000-08:00

So finding a job these days is like finding El Dorado (city of gold). At first I was sad and jumping on the downward spiral express train to no where, but now I find it rather humorous. Since my current ventures are up in the air and I am not sure where I'll be next, I've decided to cover all possible bases and apply to as many jobs as possible.

And so today I made a list of over 30 coffee shops in the tri-state area with addresses and phone numbers and once done called them up. Most of the individuals on the receiving line were either rude or did not speak english well AT ALL. Don't think I have anything against people with accents, after all many have told me I myself have one, but if you can't answer a phone properly then perhaps you should not be picking i t up. Just saying. Regardless the voices and responses to my simple: Are you hiring?: were quite the picker upper.

Just to put it out there, most coffee shops are not hiring (haha) I suppose people are cutting down on caffeine and rather opt for water. Hmmm...

Rude:
Cafe Grumpy --- GO FIGURE

Nice:
McNulty's Tea & Coffee
La pregunta arts cafe
Cafecito
East Harlem cafe
Joe's

Interesting enough three out of the five above are Latino owned.... Get it Migente!

Back to the drawing board!

FanStar ::Just Lovely::

Oh where the days will lead

2010-02-21T18:46:00.001-08:00

I have this funny feeling circulating my body, a tingling sensation creeping up from the pit of my stomach to the edges of my gums.

My weekend in a nutshell:
Thai.Laughs.Catch up (not to be confused with ketchup). Piercing.Dance.Mom time.Mac. (sigh)

Notes to self:
-Continue to reconnect with friends who show they love you
-Be more spontaneous, even if it involves not being the leader
-Write down childhood stories told by mom
-Spend more time with self, because self will be the one to get you out of the darkest corners imaginable

::May the limitations of love not cast a spell on the serious ambitions of my mind:: --Jose Marti

FanStar

The world is conspiring in your favor

2010-02-19T10:58:00.000-08:00

Did you ever run out of school to the bodega and buy a pack of pop rocks? No, I don’t mean drugs (Jeez), I mean the candy that pops in your mouth. Well, if you have you know that it’s the most exciting thing to touch your mouth (lets get the sexual innuendos out of our minds so that we can best enjoy this post please). A burst of pure uncontrollable energy.

That is what just happened to me. YES, THAT JUST HAPPENED.

I sat for a cup of coffee with the Executive Director of the International Latino Film Festival, and if I told you I didn’t think I could conquer the world after talking to her I would be lying through my keyboard. She was simply awesometastic. I was able to pick her brain and talk about the festival and the film industry, about life and all the randomness that comes a long with it and as she spoke to me I just kept thinking this lady is the clerk with the answers my mind was looking for (read previous blog). I feel as if the Macy’s 4th of July fireworks event was being held inside my body at this precise moment.

All roads point to somewhere, whether you know it right now or realize it years from now.

“The World Is Conspiring in Your Favor”---DLV

Someone asked me this week: So what’s next for you? And I had no answer. Now I do: To Live.

Light & Sweet

2010-02-19T07:35:00.000-08:00

Territorial call me black wolf of the night

Better yet call me Cleo-Patra

Queen of pharaohs

Narrow

Alleys I walk through.

Rivers I carry underneath my nonchalant eyes.

If I were reincarnated I'd be not a wolf but a bird

that pirouettes through the skies.

Full of energy like the strings on his guitar

I bet if this love is real we can go far.

Nah baby, I'm from Venus AND from Mars

A complex potion of sorts

contortions of emotions

that I can't quite understand myself.

Like art that's never quite finished

with black, white, green, purple and sometimes reddish...

thoughts that provoke a stampede of urges.

Like a domino effect your smell I detect...

Quizzical looks we share in between sheets,

Intertwined bodies from the tip of your tongue to the end of your feet.

Light and Sweet addicted I am to you like you are to morning caffeine.

Believe it or not a definite feen.

A feen for your voice

A feen for your laugh

A feen for the way that you make me want to dance.

Take off my shoes, loosen these screws

Turn up that song...because its never too long

before I go back to needing my fix of that... Light and Sweet.

Addicted I am to you, like you are to morning caffeine.

Brilliance is Brewing (AsJmoSaid)

2010-02-18T13:47:00.000-08:00

I sure wish there was a clerk stationed somewhere in my brain who organized my thoughts and answered the difficult questions I don't want to answer when answers are needed. Woke up wondering if I should make the next moves that impact my life based on the expectations those close to me have of me, or the expectations I have for myself.

Thing is, I am right back at square one (right after college finished), except I would call it square 2 since I am a little bit wiser a little less jaded but still a novice with an abundance of knowledge.

How does that make sense you ask? I don't know, the clerk won't tell me....grrr...

However, brilliance was brewing last night and I just want to give a huge shout out to JMo, my official partner in what I'll call: a new road to self discovery. Love you dearly, and we will be inspirations to others... I believe it!

On to my adventure:

We went to the VV Brown concert held by Giant Step at the Hiro Hotel. Despite having to wait two hours while Ms. Brown got her feathers on right, I managed to like the Puerto Rican/Jamaican but British born artist's music. She was great at entertaining and I'm looking forward to what else she has in store for the diverse mass consumer. However, it wouldn't be a night if there wasn't some plain blue button down shirt wearing college frat boy screaming in my ear "FUK YEA". He wasn't as charming as his obnoxious friend who was persistent in getting in front of me even though everyone (including the hipsters) kept grilling him. Jeez, where are the manners I thought?! and then I remembered we are in NYC. And in NYC anything flies. Even my fist. Well, in my imagination at least. haha.

VV was enticing! However, why is it that you can say anything with a British accent and still sound amazing? She cursed like it was part of her act and still we were all giddy like a pup with a new chew toy. The best part of her performance by far, aside from when she sang her single, was her singing and rapping Drake's "Best I ever Had". I was HYPED. Get it!

Ah, the other side of the pond is quite refreshing isn't it? Let us hope Mr. Daniel Merriweather blesses us with his acoustic performance soon.

Fan Star ::Plotting away::

Are you a Mac or a PC...

2010-02-14T11:13:00.000-08:00

I've had a Sony for 5 years. I loved him. It was there for me when I needed music to refresh my soul, when I needed info to add to the random facts folder filed in my memory cabinet and when I had massive amounts of ideas to write down before they vanished like David Blaine. He was the longest relationship I've had and then he, like any other he, failed me (Just Kidding Humor for the Masses).

So I said; now that I am starting many personal projects I need a new laptop. Little did I know that there are too many brands, processors and GB for me to understand so quickly. I thought, simple minded as I can sometimes be, that I could waltz my way into a Best Buy and my new laptop would choose me. Not quite.

The waltz turned into a complicated 3 hour break dancing session, and after 2 hours of walking in circles with Harvey (that's the name of my Best Buy customer service rep, who actually worked in the camera department and just happened to be laptop savvy--thank you Harvey!), asking my girls on bbm chat and harassing my bf through messenger and through phone calls I chose a Dell. I went from a Toshiba, to a Sony, to a gorgeous scarlet red Dell. I quietly thought to myself "it's okay that I'm starving, my feet are permanently in pain and I almost had an anxiety attack, because now I get to go home and sleep next to my new love"--okay maybe not sleep next to it, but definitely close to it.

But we know the universe likes to joke around when it needs a pick me up, and so the story didn't simply end with the above joyful pre-thought. The bank would only let me take a certain amount of money since the quantity I needed must have looked sketchy to the atm machine. After a couple of Spanglish curses and "WHY GOD" I crossed the street and told the man holding my Dell hostage that I would have to return with bail money tomorrow.

Now I've spent the last 2 hours online reading up on the MacBook and asking fellow Mac-users an abundance of questions about iWork and iMovie etc etc. And well, it seems I will be transferring myself from a private college (x laptop) to an ivy league (mac-licious).

Just Sharing. <3>

I Like My Plate Colorful...

2010-02-14T10:16:00.000-08:00

Expectations lead to disappointments. That's something I(we) always say, and yet it is almost ridiculous to expect not to have expectations (make sense? or is that an oxymoron...). Anywho, every year this holiday comes around, and I know it was designed to pry on women's emotions because after all --men could care less about chocolates and roses.

So, every year this holiday comes around (who knows the history behind vday btw????) and I just squirm at the thought of it. Why? Because it carries so much weight. Its almost as bad as figuring out how to propose the right way to your counterpart... and why? for WHAT? I won't get into the politics behind it because I like to think my people are well aware of it, however isn't all just a little too .... played out.

But , the above is written by a broken hearted girl who has gone through many depressing and humorous vday moments. However, this year Aphrodite's took mercy upon my heart and I happened to thoroughly enjoy this holiday (happy dance).

I suppose it was for three reasons:
1. I spent it with a man whose magic keeps me with a permanent plastered smile (no poker face here)

2. He made it thoughtful, a quality I thought men did not possess

3. It was unconventional in the way that no extravagant gifts were exchanged nor was the dreaded Hallmark card with lots of hearts and glitter that seem to overshadow the message written by the messenger given.

(sigh)
Simple.Sweet.Memorable.

After a delicious meal (Cuban food Rocks) we went to see Platanos & Collard Greens. If you have not seen it I suggest you go. It deals with subjects of race, love, friendship and family. Subjects I know too well. Reminded me of how painfully aware I am that a lot of Dominicans can be really ignorant about race and still have the Trujillo mentality complex. It reminded me of when I was a freshman in college and a lot of the Black females looked at me lop sided because one of the lighter "brothas" was after me and not them (I suppose their thought process was: add insult to injury since there were not that many "brothas" to begin with). It reminded me of the ish my own family and friends families have said about interracial relationships.

I always question if I have the right to get offended at some of the things people say if it does not apply to my sex/gender/race/heritage, but why not? Above all else I am human and if I don't like the bs coming out of your mouth I'll be challenging you on it.

I love all things culture (except for opera or musicals, haha I can't do those). And I love seeing interracial couples. Which is why (praise Jesus don't fail me now) I hope I marry (happy marriage, that's a whole other blog) someone who is not Dominican (Abel you're the exception to the rule haha). I think the future lies in a fusion of say me (Dominican/Spaniard) and him (whatever he may be).

So my advice to the singles out there is: date someone who falls outside your usual pattern. Listen to the elders advice but above all else listen to your own. Black,Asian,Caribbean,European,South American and mixed and match are all wonderful. Beauty is in the eye of of the beholder.

FanStar ::Falling Faster Than A Bungee Jumper::

Make it Happen...

2010-02-12T12:05:00.000-08:00

I had my first interview w/ new comers to the reggeaton scene Dyland & Lenny yesterday and I was sweating buckets. I usually don't get nervous-- except when I'm holding the experience to be life changing/memorable (I'm gonna guess my wedding date I'll need deodorant near by).

I was able to use a private room during my lunch break which was great since I needed the speaker to be semi-loud on the phone. Everything was set up to go, and then the computer decides to shut down (PC's are officially the root of all evil). Fret not, I didn't panic. I simply laughed for about a minute, after all life is funny that way.

When the phone rang I quickly took out pen and paper and did it the old school way. By the end of the interview I had a couple of pages filled with great quotes and information on these two gentleman that could last me for days. Oh, did I mention I had to do the interview in Spanish? Good thing I was raised in Venezuela huh? haha (pow dow).

The experience was exhilarating, the guys were able to help me forget about my perspiring issue and that my hand had to move as quick as my mind. I must say, charming to the last second. They both kept it so humble, and made me laugh the whole time. I will be rooting for them and congratulate them on being signed to Sony.

I love hearing stories of people who find themselves to be ordinary and soon come to see they are extraordinary beings in the eyes of millions. Inspiring? I'd say so.

Check out their single out now... Right on time for Vday. <3

Frika...Frika...

2010-02-09T18:23:00.000-08:00

I am creatively expanding and it feels so good. Imagine running for miles and finally drinking a bottle of water. Refreshing no doubt. I am not sure where it will lead, if anywhere at all but to be frank I'm not getting any younger and the worse thing that could happen is rejection. Now, I have already learned to deal with rejection in my personal life (both romantic/family related/ and with friendships), so it is only natural I become un-phased by rejection in my career/projects. And if rejection is to be some what of a key player in this much needed plunge, it could only be taken with a grain of salt. After all, the best lessons and ideas come when a few others have failed. I am sure Thomas Edison didn't get all his inventions quite right the first time around...

Taking a chance on myself also means that others are also taking a chance on me, and for that I am thankful. It may be that I won't have that certain je ne sais quoi that these individuals are looking for in a "chance vessel", but I'll say this much: I'll work to try and surpass not others expectations but rather the expectations I have for myself.

On another note, I am very happy the underdogs aka the Saints won the Superbowl. I missed the whole thing do to an uncontrollable slumber fest, so I am not going to comment on any great passes or tackles but I hope Kimmi cakes showed Reggie Chocolate Bush a victory dance (I would have done the Harlem shake for him--my specialty).

I just saw 3 short clips of Lonnie "You Make My Heart Melt" Lynn aka Common on Current TV (gracias Ran el Man for the "put on") and if I didn't love this man before, I most definitely do now. He is what I call a real artist. From what it seems, he has not forgotten where he came from and continues to embrace his people. His fans. This man seems so humble, never being boastful about how much he has done for our Hip-Hop Generation....I can't wait for his new album which according to the blogs is dropping this year. Let us hope I get to see him in concert soon.

On that Hip-Hop note, I am reading "Its Bigger than Hip-Hop" by M.K. Asante Jr. and I am loving his writing style so far. I feel as if I'm witnessing one of the greatest ongoing speeches, I suppose this is because he is a professor. Admirable, since the dude is in his 20's. He is also a film maker and has dreadlocks which I love. Haha. Let me live.

I want to continue in surrounding myself with creative types. Whether the passion lies in building small cities out of Lego's or building minds through words, that does not matter. I just wish to inspire and be inspired. Limitations are tricks we play on ourselves.

Like a Phoenix I rise. 2010.

You get no love...

2010-02-03T13:41:00.000-08:00

This is going to sound like a random post, or maybe it wont (if you know me well enough you know I'm an addict to music)...

I've been listening to Lupe Fiasco all day and I just need to give him a huge shout out a long with all the other amazing MC's out there that get no love by mainstream media. I guess you have to have a bumping beat and lyrics that degrade on all levels (insert "make her say ahh") to get your songs played. I'm not going to sit here and say I don't jam away to a li'l wayne song if I happen to wander into a lounge, but I know and acknowledge that there is way more out there than just JayZ, 50 Cent and the other 5 that are on heavy rotation.

A lot of dudes trying to make it out there in the "game" but I'd say 90% lack the real talent and the other 10% lack the drive, or have the drive but no one shows them love. (hug it out).

It sucks that real talent sometimes goes over looked simply because the next looks more glittery. Take a look at BeyBey @ the Grammys. I loved her performance and was a fan of Sasha Fierce. BUT she is over saturated and if I see one more video with leotards and two back up dancers I'm going to have to give myself a time out. -_- 6 awards? a new record set? are you serious? Adele (amazing artist) was over looked, India Arie got like 3 minutes of air time on the tvguide network and the person interviewing her didn't even know she had just won an award. SMH.

Can other artist get some shine!? Mi gente, please. Explore and open your mind to the many possibilities that music, art, dance and theater provide... there is a huge world out there waiting for you to google it.

Lovely.

FanStar

I love words but...

2010-01-31T10:47:00.000-08:00

Talk is cheap... Back it up w/ actions and then we can further discuss.

Phase 1 of self improvement 2010 begins!

FanStar.

Finding Forever

2010-01-29T11:26:00.000-08:00

Certain Albums Happen to build unforgettable connections with oneself. And so I replay while I unwind and figure this ish out.

Life doesn't throw at you anything it doesn't feel you're ready to handle.

Thanks Mj for always leading me towards the light

IT...

2010-01-28T22:21:00.000-08:00

This sadness that invokes my body
Probably doesn't belong to me.
I must have borrowed it
Taken it
Made it
Into what it is.
Feeling a distortion
Working through this commotion
Communicating and contemplating
What IT is
This sadness that invokes my body
Shot me to the ground and back up again
My sanity I must lose before I regain
It
Again.
Lessons that come and go
Pardon my elementary flow
I seem to have this urge
To purge
My words fall out of my head and onto my bed
God I wish I had a queen size. No a king size.
Life size....
This sadness that invokes my body
Wants me to carry
IT.
Live IT
Feel IT.
I wonder if I'm the only one who feels this way
The drums play and for happiness ill pray. This sadness that invokes my body...leaves me w nothing else to say.

Turn the channel please...

2010-01-27T16:11:00.000-08:00

So...and I'm off!

Mami and I were watching the news (which I rarely care to look @ since its all skewed to the side that pretty much shows: the world is horrible, the world is ending, explosions, the economy is crumbling etc etc) and they had this whole thing on religion. Now, I don't believe in organized religion on any level what-so-ever so it caught my eye, but I do believe in objective journalism (which is lacking since the Europeans stepped foot on the land that wasn't theirs). And so it was once again lop sided story telling. HOWEVER, some of it I agreed with (hey don't shake your head at me, I'm entitled to my opinions too). Institutionalized religion is like politics: needed to "keep the peace" to keep the world "functioning" to provide some type of "structure", but full of brain washing individuals who control with one hand and hold the people's (usually the poor/working class aka present slaves) money with the other.
Now don't get me wrong, I am not an atheist. I believe in a higher being, and I hold faith in her existence very close to my heart. I am a spiritual being and therefor cannot buy half the crap fed to society through the churches and their kings I mean priest... ahem...
In a time of so much "craziness" where it seems that the "straw that broke the camel's back" is about to fall from the heavens above, I would hope (will hope) that people go through some self evaluation and that in the process of it do some spiritual searching. After all doesn't God live within us? I know this is true.
So why buy beliefs from individuals who promise you the "promise land". None have proof of where it is. Could it not be that there is heaven on Earth? Why is it that people, and I mean religion fanatics, spend their whole lives preaching about death---and forget to live while they are alive.
Mami has always told me one thing, "Nothing in life is guaranteed except for death, so make the best of your life now". Now ain't that the truth?...hmmm... Just questions tis' all.

With Hope. And Faith.

Fan Star
::Not Every Finger Is Ready For Its DIAMOND:: Yuvelqui Rivera

Before I Sleep

2010-01-25T00:40:00.000-08:00

Love is unbelievable
Unspeakable
Yet you want to say it all
Speak it all
Love is every shade, every memory
Has it all.
Love is me staying up past my bed time
Writing about love.
Love is sitting in amazement at the audacity of it all.
Love is looking past the usual nuances
Forgetting subliminal messages in the dual scenes
Remembering tangible things
Songs that made you wanna sing

Love is remarkably simple. Sweet.
Skip hop stop.
Love is this and that. Its large and small. Instilled so deep like the profound blue sea.
Love is like an energy drink. But at the same time can drain you leaving u w nothing else to think.
Think. Think. Think. Think. And tell me. What love is....

Glitches

2010-01-22T17:33:00.001-08:00

Mami (to Tia): "Fanny me decia a los cinco años, :Mami No me vengas a buscar al colegio hoy porque mi papi me va a venir a buscar: Tu sabes lo que es eso? Te imaginas que no la hubiera buscado? Se me queda la pobre hay" ((The air in the room is immediately interrupted by the sound of laughter))

I'm 23 now and find it funny, so I can laugh it off. But there is nothing funny about a five year old girl waiting for her dad to come pick her up from school...
The impact negligence has had is almost unmeasurable.

((r.e.s.p.o.n.s.i.b.i.l.i.t.y))

Aventura

2010-01-21T18:56:00.000-08:00

I went to the Aventura Concert last night with some of my girls... It was quite the experience to say the least... Romeo is def your typical Dominican/PR man... pelvic thrusts and all. But let me not judge, the man after all lives a hard life (right).

I have never seen so many women dressed up as if it were their last night on earth. Some had sparkly dresses and others had just stepped out of their favorite salon. It was every mans fantasy, or woman's for that matter. I was left in awe at some of the ridiculous outfits and "walks" women had, makes me think of why it is Latinas are the way they are. See to me, there is a thin line between flavor and simply over-cooked... ahy.

The concert itself was wonderful, and the highlight of my night was Marc Anthony singing... my heart almost skipped out of my mouth and went on stage... I must see him live before I pass---pretty please!

I have never felt that type of energy though. I think that is what impacted me the most. The amounts of fans and followers they have. Such immense love, not every artist(s) is blessed with that, and especially off one one genre...Bachata.

I must admit in h.s. I hated bachata, so depressing. But I've gained an appreciation for it over the years... pero, last night was enough bachata for a while. I left a melancholic and listened to "dile al amor..." over and over on the train. Smh.

Music has the power to do so much... magic at its finest... except its so real.

Other Aventura moments:
*For a second I was falling for Dominican men, and then Anthony started talking about why men cheat... that was the end of that.
*Max, one of the guitar players, did a rap song... HUH? exactly my friends... He is great w/ the guitar....yea...
*Romeo kissing this woman who I swear was a man (smh sorry it is the truth)
*Man getting stomped out by a sea of people

And that my friends is what I call entertainment.

<3>

I'll let my thoughts do the talking...

2010-01-19T11:49:00.000-08:00

Being a female is exhausting

Or perhaps its my existing

Flipping, Turning Morning

Growing... into a woman.

Constantly battling thoughts about this man...

My goals. My Dreams. My Aspirations.

Where I'll be 5 years from now

If his name I'll still Mention

Who really knows, I might have a different destination...

So you see, is it me or are we too analytical?

Getting ahead of ourselves

Taking words that are said way too literal.

Back & Forth. Back & Forth.

Debating things that probably don't need debating

My feelings I'm stating...

A constant change, Yes! I'm changing.

Why must we be driven by emotions

Piling on the sentiments

like Cocoa Butter Lotion...

Reminiscing on your skin

And the RHYTHMIC motion

of your lips against my... indeed you are a sin...

As if I am a glass of water and drinking me is all that really matters.

Break my heart, here we go again

Neyo sang Ms Independent

Providing you all with Entertainment.

What is next in line for me? For you?

So soon our souls did meet

Or MAYBE yours was looking for mine these past 5 centuries

Or MAYBE I'm just making this all up, and really should just STFU...

Or May B, May B, May B, what will BE may B.

Easily I'm lifted by the way that you speak

The way you undress my body with your eyes your love I do seek.

For a bleak second I feel my heart shift...

Right. Left. Right.

"I"m a soldier of love" like Sade, and trust I do relate...

See cupid is using my heart as bate

Forgetting that this is all fate.

I have to detach myself from this addiction

Must separate facts from fiction

My goals to be a writer,

to see a little brighter,

breath a little lighter

are still there.

I'm trying not to fall...

So reality pick up the phone

This jaded lady is placing a call.

::Unplugged::

Fanstar

::Unplugged::

2010-01-15T14:12:00.000-08:00

Uncensored...

Unknown...

Unseen...

Un dia de estos...

*Moments that define us... or are we the ones that define those moments*

Give us something good........

2010-01-13T18:02:00.000-08:00

Okay so! I have to say the following:

1. Why is it that all commercials on major Latino/Hispanic networks are so HORRIBLE. Omg I can't even watch TV with my mother because a little piece of me wants to cry when I see these distasteful l tacky commercials. Give my people some credit, as if we can't enjoy something with more humor or perhaps more intelligently put. Commercials like the Optimum Reggeaton commercial are not only a slap to our faces (although catchy -_-) but also makes us look like hooligans to other cultures that might come across it on youtube... so SMH to those giants who think we can't appreciate something with more thought.

2. Haiti: So sad. So SAD. I mean words can't even be written to write about how sad I feel about this... but I've felt this sadness for Haiti before. And all I want to say, is that people piss me off who all of a sudden feel sad about Haiti. Let me explain, because my wonderful amor brought up the good point that I shouldn't down size the feeling people are having at the moment... AND I AM NOT. I am simply upset at the fact that Haiti has been in shambles economically, socially, educationally etc and no one put that on their fb status (just giving an example)... and so all I am hoping for is that people continue to want to help or care about Haiti past this week. When it is no longer in the eye of the media and selling news papers.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pennies for thoughts.

Love this song... It may not go with the above but had to share. I'm one big ball of yarn.

::I want to submerge in this urge, created by the iris in your pretty brown eyes and the perfect shape of your lips, I want to forget the unforgiving world that sits outside my window and indulge in the escape that your embrace provides for me::

Observations...

2010-01-12T18:36:00.000-08:00

Let me share the silent hurricane that is my mind at this particular time.
This book I'm reading makes me think of all the crazy terrible things that people, or I should say anyone that posed a threat to the government, had to endure for their freedom. Its as if Pandora's box was re-opened and I can't stop wondering what if...

I walked through 103rd and Lex today and as I passed Park & Madison I couldn't stop from staring at the buildings that compose the projects like a maze, connecting people, families, childhood friends, communities, history... a lot of it looked run down and I started to wonder again... about the young lords and what they were upset about... at first it was getting the garbage picked up and then about what the communities needed... and well, has anything really changed? Did the neighborhood improve? I can't stop wondering what if...

But that's the beauty of NYC you have these avenues that make you think of pricey clothes and bugie people, but never does it cross your mind that there lies 103rd and Park... the appearances drive me nuts. And then I landed on 5th avenue... simply gorgeous and well put together (like a sleek pony tail with pearl earrings), mean while down the block you have a whole world of survivors... trying to survive.

There was an earth quake in Haiti. Scary isn't it? Scary because we don't know how many casualties there are, because no one really mentioned Haiti until this catastrophe happened, because as I worry where or what I'll be doing next month with my life and my talents there are thousands of other third world people out there worse off. Being a little bit privileged makes you worry about things that others would think themselves lucky to worry about...
So I wonder, in the grander scheme of life... what will really matter?

Think.Express.Be.

Inspiration...

2009-12-29T18:50:00.000-08:00

I've been lacking motivation/inspiration for the next chapter of my life
Ironically enough for my writing.
I was given :Assata an autobiography: as a xmas gift
and it is probably one of the best gifts I've gotten.
I'm only up to page 31 but I can already call her my hero.

She actually inspired me to start a new journal..
Pen in hand, paper ready to be filled.

Ah what a decade this has been... I wonder how the next one will bring.

FanStar

Joyful...

2009-12-24T09:45:00.000-08:00

Merry Xmas to you and yours.

Smile. Eat. Reminisce.

But most of all...

KEEP IT LIGHT.

Live.Love.Laugh.

MisUnderstood.

My Theraphy...

2009-12-23T09:02:00.000-08:00

I’m going to start off by saying SMFH ::and breath::
I find myself at the forefront of a situation that shouldn't’t be a situation, but is a situation SIMPLY BECAUSE I made a poor choice over the summer. Not everything that glitters is gold my friends. Lesson learned.

And so here I am, torn really. Why? Because the mature MisUnderstood that rose like a phoenix back in 07’ wants to take the high road. And on behalf of that side of me I write:

I don’t have time for drama. The last time I dealt with it I was still and undergrad with my heart on my sleeves, blinded by what I thought was love. Life is made complicated by individuals that don’t have much significance in their daily routines. So when one small thing presents itself they rather magnify it by a million so that others that DO have things going on in their lives turn around and say “oh poor you”. I learned in 07’ that when you make yourself out to be the victim all the time, people start to get tired of it. And so, as I’ve mentioned before: Drama likes company; and I’m just not taking that empty seat on the couch. If I feed into drama I lose focus of my happiness. And after years of looking for it, I refuse to give it up so easily. With that said I’ll turn the other cheek and follow the yellow brick road.

However, it really isn’t fair to let one side speak and the other hush, and so the 12 year old that got bullied for not speaking English well and for wearing high water windbreakers—whom also had to learn to reinvent herself and be a little tougher so that people didn’t chop her down with words would like to say:

I truly dislike people that act like a little btch. Especially men. I hate it when I am genuinely speaking to someone about a touchy issue in a politically correct matter and they go running with scissors. Blow it up and make posters out of it with my face and a HERE’S THE BTCH sign under it. Makes me scratch my hair and turn my head side ways. Really? Did that just happen? ::Looks around the room:: What adds fuel to the fire is when friends get involved. I happen to have a group of friends that won’t get involved unless you tap the mat and ask for a life saver—we try to fight our own battles first and then proceed. Never have I sent a friend of mine to attack someone else say… on their facebook wall..because really--- how immature is that? SMFH.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And so… If you mix some of MisUnderstood 07 + Young bullied girl+ 2010 on the horizon you get:

Why did I give this so much importancia? 1. Because I am human 2. Because I am a female and 3. Because when I am feeling any type of way I like to let it out through writing. So that when and if I feel this way again I can back track-read-and move on. Writing is extremely therapeutic for me, its better than pair of ears since it’s as if you’re talking to yourself (and sometimes you’re the only person who understands). And so in the battle of taking the high road vs. letting the bitch be unleashed—the high road wins. I was upset for the 30 seconds it took me to write the paragraph above, and not just because of the ignorant bs which was at the forefront of it all- but rather at the fact that I felt bad/guilty for the situation… mean while that empathy was not even necessary nor deserved. And now all that energy is gone, sent back into the universe….hopefully it doesn’t land in anyone’s mouth.

See, the thing is I can’t let my feelings be bottled up—especially when I know how it feels to be on an emotional ride by myself (toots the horn). I think Diddy had it right when he coined “NO BITCHASSNESS”--- someone should bring that back. Age isn’t a state of mind, it doesn’t determine maturity, but it sure looks bad when you’re old and acting like a child. Lesson learned.

Live. Laugh. Love--- and GROW.

FanStar

Like a Pheonix. I rise. 2010.

The Spirit of Xmas...

2009-12-21T11:10:00.000-08:00

Oh the holidays, season’s greetings to you all shala bumchakalaka… J

In the midst of the revival of retail due to all the last minute shopping --when do you actually stop and think whether or not the things you are buying for your loved ones are necessary or simply gifts for the heck of having something to give when they hand you a wrapped box?

Money is still scarce and buying “whatever” just because, just doesn’t cut it. Maybe I’m a tad more conscious of this because I try to give thoughtful gifts. Or maybe this is what most people lack when giving gifts—THOUGHT.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but what is the point of giving someone a 55 inch television when they already own three other large television sets? I just find it pointless. And I understand that if you could afford to give something this extravagant then who I’m I to judge? However what does that say about the gift giver? Hmmm….

Moving on to my next issue with gift giving: Parents who give their spoiled/rude children gifts that 1. They don’t deserve and 2. Are simply ridiculous for their age group.

((Do I have children? No I don’t. Do I have an opinion? Yes I do…))

I’m speaking from a personal experience. But let me go a little deeper as to why giving ridiculous gifts to children bothers me. Often times parents (that I know) complain that their child acts like a grown up instead of their age. That their child doesn’t listen, or respect elders. That their child isn’t doing well in their classes. Wa.Wa.Wa.

Then! Xmas rolls around or Los tres reyes, and they go and buy their 10 year old spoiled daughter a digital cam worth 150 bucks. Or! Their rude 12 year old an 8G IPod. REALLY?!

----------------------------------------------REALLY????----------------------------------------------

This is when I SHAKE MY HEAD Vigorously. How do you expect your child to behave and act their age, when you are rewarding their poor behavior with a 200 dollar iPod. Behavior is taught. A 10 year old does not need a digital cam, not unless you are sending her over seas on a trip she won through a scholarship. What does this teach to the child? Hmmm… But I digress. Maybe I am just bitter because I didn’t get an iPod until the age of 22, and a digital cam at the age of 23. Then again I was perfectly happy with a Barbie at age 10 and with the hello kitty stickers my cousins bought me (which lasted me a whole semester at school).

I can understand that as a parent you want to give your child things you probably didn’t have growing up. But I think there is something to be learned from the “simple” gifts that once were given--- they made you appreciative of the little that you had and taught you that Xmas is not about gifts-- it’s about spending time with people that make you happy. Whether that’s family, friends or at a soup kitchen (<-- now that’s nice!). I can also understand that children can’t understand the above, because they are CHILDREN. But it is really up to the parent to teach them this along the way. Like many of my friends, I didn’t have much growing up and when I did receive something I cherished it. This has transcended into the way I am today as a grown woman. Except of course when the gift is something like a plant--- hahaha (or is it ho ho ho?).Just some humor!

Parents--- if your child deserves it and you can afford it then go for it, you have my blessing. But if your child doesn’t, don’t complain two months later when they want a Mac. That’s yo’ fault homie.

Grownups- if you can’t afford a gift don’t go on a scavenger hunt for coins or worse into more debt. No one ever died of not receiving a xmas gift. But that doesn’t mean you can’t join in the festivities, do a potluck (like my friends and I have/will do). Make a card from scratch—still a good look for the fridge. Or simply, HUG THAT ISH OUT. People know the deal, unless you’re living under a rock--- you know we are in a recession.

So why do I give a gift? Because I like to see the look on the persons face when they open it. Now that right there, is priceless joy!

Be conscious. Be thoughtful.

FanStar---ReInventing MySelf.

It feels good to be happy...

2009-12-17T11:46:00.000-08:00

I strongly believe that drama attracts drama. When you like drama you attract it, or find a way to meet it somewhere... Some females need drama (some males too)--- and when they start a new relationship they try to find a little bit of drama someway or the other to "spice it up", because if the drama is lacking then there MUST be something wrong with the relationship... this is where I say -- WOMP.

To have no drama, to not stress small stupid insignificant things--- that's a relationship. That's why I admire women like my girl Dari who doesn't stress the small bs that could turn into a mountain... and for what? What is the point of wasting all that energy when you could have been focusing on good things. Ah smh.

And I'm not talking about this because it has anything to do with my current relationship--- I'm just re evaluating all my love encounters from this year and seeing how much I have grown. And trust me, it has been A LOT.

So I was in Miami for a couple of days! how fan-tas-tic! I needed some warm heat on my skin. It was great! A lot of random encounters and adventures with people. Got to see a different side of my friends, always good---makes the friendship grow a little tighter. Also saw some from friends from CR! Awesome times. I love reconnecting with people. My alter ego ::Aeesha:: came out to play. I suggest you all let your alter ego come out for a little, its liberating to say the least. I'll give you a small recap: Love n Hate with a pole, hanging at the barber shop, free drinks @ Mangos, desperate measures for a tan... and yea... lets leave it at that. :D

Xmas is a week away, and I am actually excited. I get to see some of my family members and that means (as all Dominican families) a lot of stories about when my cousins and I were little-- In other words: Fanny you were such a little bad ass, always stealing your cousins biberon (thats milk btw)... SMH. I was a little bad ass. Or maybe that was Aeesha coming to play! haha the world will never know. Plus my cousin lived in NYC, she could afford to miss a couple of feedings... right?! :D

I have major plans for 2010... lets keep hope and faith alive.

Much Love.

FanStar

Feeling some type of way...

2009-12-03T09:51:00.001-08:00

Raining like crazy last night. Got my moccasins soaking wet, and woke up feeling extra stuffy... had to catch myself from falling asleep in the shower, and def had a hard time putting on my leggings... not to mention the extra sneezes and coughs on the train (shout out to the rude lady that stole my seat, even THAT didn't make you smile...smh). Ever had one of these mornings? Wondering why you were outside when you could have been in bed? That was me for a split second, and then I remembered. (Mushy Alert)

I'm seeing this amazing human being. I have to brag. Coming from two years of a lot of random/awkward/train wreck/lying/confusing/debatable/wtf is going on in your head/ heart breaking/ annoying/ very very weird/ I'm I on punk'd?/ I want you as my girl but not with the title experiences with men, I am simply BAFFLED and in the utmost awe stage of my current life. So this is why I am constantly putting happy go lucky statuses on FB and why you can catch me on the train with a big grin on my face... I just can't help it. I'm happy. So fellow readers, enjoy me while I am basically perspiring flowers and rainbows-------insert big heart here.

Its so ironic when you are single you see these couples and you're like ugh get a room while secretly hoping you meet someone you can do the same with, ha. What is even more interesting is the phenomenon I am going through where if one more guy hits me up about hanging out or going on a date I might just have to write a chapter about it on my book-------seriously. But I'm highly flattered. I guess it goes with that universal rule you want what you can't have? hmmm. Well I wouldn't trade my happiness for a glass of wine and some cheap laughs, no sir. The truth is I THINK I actually met someone who is willing to be brutally honest and is reminding me that its okay to dream a little while keeping your feet grounded (<--- isnt that the point of being alive?)

hmmm...

On other news:

Thanksgiving Wknd was quite the spectacle. I managed to see friends I had not seen in months, spend time with the girls whom I love (Lari D, Zu,Yani,Luz), eat a little (crazy i know) and AND ladies and gents fall down a flight of stairs! I'm sure Jlo's and Lady Gaga's falls were more memorable but I bet mine hurt more...ah. Life. I also got SUPER SICK--- shout out to the worlds best mom! who took care of me. I hope I'm half as good a mother as this lady. <3

I have one last trip coming up with my ladies and I am ecstatic... closing 2009 with a bang. This was a year of so many things for me, and I'll write about it as 2010 gets closer........

::If you tune your antenna towards whats possible (instead of whats not) you'll see avenues of opportunities staring you right in the face::

FanStar

You could never say enough...

2009-11-15T18:45:00.000-08:00

IM THANKFUL THAT I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO KEEP MY BEST FRIEND DAISY FOR ALMOST 10 YEARS THROUGH THE GOOD AND THE BAD... ROUGH PATCHES AND THE WALKS ON THE PARK... I HOPE THAT IT NEVER STOPS... THE FRIENDSHIP THAT IS. IM THANKFUL THAT I AM YOUNG ENOUGH TO STILL HAVE TIME TO WORK ON THE RELATIONSHIPS THAT TRULY MATTER, LIKE THE ONE WITH MY MOTHER... I TOOK HER ON A DATE TODAY AND SHE WAS SIMPLY HAPPY, HER HAPPINESS SPREAD ALL OVER MY SOUL.. I KNOW NOW MORE THAN EVER THAT YOU COULD NEVER SAY I LOVE YOU TOO MANY TIMES, OR GIVE TOO MANY HUGS OR KISSES ::THAT'S WHAT MATTERS::...IM THANKFUL THAT I AM ABLE TO BE ROMANTICALLY ATTACHED AND BOUNCE BACK QUICKLY WHEN IT DOESN'T WORK OUT, I SWEAR ITS A GIFT AND I OWE IT TO WRITING... IM THANKFUL FOR NOT LOSING HOPE IN THINGS THAT ARE ALWAYS QUESTIONED, LIKE LOVE AND FAITH AND THE KINDNESS OF RANDOM STRANGERS... IM THANKFUL THAT SO MANY FEMALES THINK HIGHLY ENOUGH OF ME THAT THEY REACH OUT TO ME WHEN THEY NEED SOMEONE TO LISTEN AND GIVE THEM ADVICE <--- WOW. IM THANKFUL THAT I KNOW I HAVE CHANGED PEOPLES LIVES ::SMALL OR LARGE:: FAN STAR. 21 ::THE AMOUNT OF DAYS IVE HAD A SMILE PLASTERED ON MY FACE::A CHANGE IN ROMANCE A CHANGE OF THOUGHT A CHANGE OF ME::

random gibberish

2009-11-13T20:25:00.000-08:00

I'M SO EMOTIONAL RIGHT NOW AND ITS ALMOST AS IF I'M HAVING AN OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. EVER FEEL LIKE THAT? WHERE YOU TELL YOURSELF "WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?"......AH, THAT FEELING. MAYBE ITS BECAUSE I'M WATCHING THE NOTE BOOK (FOR THE 100TH TIME) OR MAYBE ITS BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO FILL IN ALL THE BLANKS BEFORE THE 0'S TURN INTO 10S.....WONDERING IF I'M MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICES OR IF I'M SETTING MYSELF UP FOR THE WRONGS, FOR THE SMH'S AND THE "I HATE TO SAY I TOLD YOU SO" MOMENTS...WONDERING IF I SHOULD DISREGARD ALL THAT MY FRIENDS FROWN UPON AND JUST KEEP IT MOVING...WONDERING WHEN IT WILL BE...I ALWAYS SAY THINGS WILL COME WHEN THE ALMIGHTY ABOVE DECIDES YOU'RE READY FOR IT, BUT SOMETIMES I FEEL EXHAUSTED... WISH I COULD JUST CLOSE MY EYES AND TUNE IT ALL OUT, HAVE A BLANK CANVAS AND PAINT AWAY MY WORLD (SOMETHING LIKE FROM WHAT DREAMS MAY COME)....THIS IS ALL RANDOM GIBBERISH COMING FROM A WELL OF POST-IT THOUGHTS....

I'M SO EMOTIONAL RIGHT NOW....AND JUST WANTED TO SHARE IT.

GNITE.

I'm that Bish...

2009-11-12T16:11:00.000-08:00

I JUST SAW THE GROUP CHAMBAO AND WHAT DO I DO!? I STOP AND STARE (INSERT SONG BY NEW REPUBLIC INTO BACKGROUND) I SERIOUSLY COULD NOT SPEAK... LIKE MY VOICE BOX WAS SUDDENLY ON MUTE... BUMMER, IF I COULD KICK MYSELF IN THE SHINS I WOULD. I LOVE THIS GROUP, AND NOT JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE FROM SPAIN. IN CASE YOU ARE LOST AND DON'T KNOW WHO I AM TALKING ABOUT, THE MAIN SINGER COLLABORATED WITH RICKY MARTIN ON "TU RECUERDO"...... SEE BELOW FOR ANOTHER OF MY FAV SONGS FROM CHAMBAO "DEJAME VIVIR" WHICH HAS AMAZING LYRICS (IT TALKS ABOUT LETTING PEOPLE LIVE IN THEIR OWN WAY, LETTING YOURSELF BECOME YOU AGAIN AND THEM DOING THE SAME)

... BUT ISN'T THAT FUNNY? I'VE BEEN AROUND BIGGER STARS AND I'M LIKE EH BLAH, MEAN WHILE I SEE THIS GROUP WHO ISN'T AS KNOWN IN THE U.S.A AND I'M REMINDING MYSELF TO BREATH... AT LEAST I GOT TO STAND NEXT TO THEM... HA HA SMALL STEPS MY FRIENDS.

CONTINUING ON THE TOPIC OF MUSIC, AS I WROTE OUT THE ADDRESSES FOR THE UPCOMING PEOPLE EN ESPANOL PREMIOS IN MIAMI, I WAS LISTENING TO LIKKEY LI AND A FELLOW CO WORKER (WHO STARTLED ME) COULDN'T BELIEVE I WAS INTO HER... HMMM. SHE ASKED WHAT ELSE I LIKED SO I SAID ::INGRID MICHAELSON, A FINE FRENZY ETC ETC:: AND SHE HAD A SMILE EAR TO EAR (CUTE)... BUT THAT GOT ME TO THINKING, THAT NOW BECAUSE WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON (MUSIC TASTE IS SO MOTIVATIONAL IN A RELATIONSHIP ISN'T?) HER AND I COULD HAVE A LITTLE SOMETHING EXTRA--PAST COWORKERS...AND THEN I GOT OFFENDED.-- WELL FOR A SPLIT SECOND--HA HA. WHY? WELL WHY WOULDN'T I LIKE LYKKEY LI? I WONDER IF I COME OFF AS THE TYPE THAT ONLY LISTENS TO AVENTURA OR BEYONCE... GRRR.

SO I ENCOURAGE YOU TO GO OUT THERE AND FIND NEW MUSIC, YOU WOULD BE SURPRISED AT THE STUFF THAT IS OUT THERE. AND DONT BE QUICK TO JUDGE THE GUY ON THE TRAIN WITH THE HUGE HEAD PHONES BECAUSE HE'S WEARING SOMETHING PUNK/EMO-- GET CLOSER HE MIGHT JUST HAVE 22 TWOS BY JAYZ PLAYING...

LIVING LIGHT AS A FEATHER WITH MY FEET STEADY ON THE GROUND... I CANT BELIEVE, COULD THIS BE TRUE ____ I FOUND? <3>
KEEP EM' GUESSING LADIES.

FANSTAR