I've had an issue since I started dating, which was at the age of 14. That means 10 years of carrying this issue around. Although I was aware of this issue on a basic level, it wasn't until today after it was broken down to me by one of my dearest friends and confidants that I realized that this issue happens to also be my reason for the many unsuccessful relationships under my belt. I my friends, am guilty of: being in love with the idea of love & relationships.
This ideal has led me to lack a very important part of dating, that is the act of screening men properly... this is my aha! moment. I didn't even know what a screening process was until 20 minutes ago when I had to ask what was I doing wrong to attract these type of guys (these guys being the non-successful ones), after all the common factor is me. And although I am very aware of how awesome I am (not perfect, just awesome) there was still a missing piece-- or rather a VERY BIG one.
The screening process, if you're like me and didn't know what it was, is when you actually take your time to get to know someone past the superficial sht, the he opens my door pays for dinner and sent me flowers to work stuff... Yes, as my counselor (love u) said: thats nice and all but what about the other stuff? Aha! again.
See the other stuff, like he has mom issues, he gets angry quickly, he is jealous, he has children, he has a drinking problem, he is a chauvinistic pig who doesn't want me anywhere but the kitchen, his age ... yes, those factors. Those VERY BIG factors, that I have noticed from the BEGINNING and force myself to ignore because of my "ideal" have bitten me in the ass in the short run.
A good guy friend once told me: Fanny, when someone shows you who they are-- believe them. Plain and simple. Yes no one is perfect, and yes you have to know where to compromise... but no, you should not cast aside deal breakers. Learn from me, it is bad for business.
My past two boyfriends (three years in between each other) were emotionally draining. But one BIG comparison is that both were official (you're my boyfriend and I'm your girlfriend) after only one month. Yes, life has no time lines and everyone works differently, but no jumping into an official relationship with someone was not a healthy move. See, my "ideal" and I (which is partly rooted in the fact that my awesome mom is single and I'm quite scared of ending up alone-- bare with me here this is a breakthrough) have led me to create a pattern for myself which allows me to do the following: when I meet a guy I am immediately interested in and find beyond amazing I turn into "Fanny that wants a long lasting awesomely healthy and fun relationship" and put "Fanny who would quickly tell her best friend that her boy is psycho because of ABandC" behind a closed door, even if she is banging as loud as she can.
The truth is I focus so much on the positive that I overlook the obvious red flags. I have compromised myself many a times in numerous pseudo relationships, giving so much of myself so quickly that when I finally allow myself to recognize he wasn't a good match out loud I am utterly disappointed. It's like walking into the same diner every time knowing in the back of your head that they don't serve the food you like.
The good news is, that I have grown so much this year emotionally and spiritually that I not only recognize the red flags but I am also acknowledging them from the beginning. And today was probably the biggest moment of enlightenment for me.
From this moment forward I pledge to myself to have a screening process and to be conscious that although love and a relationship will be great, they are not fairy tales. They take time... way more than a few weeks.
Like she said: are you so quick to be best friends with females you meet? (my response was a shy no), then why do it with the men you date?
Aha... and all of a sudden the room is lit.
I hope this helps someone out there as it helped me...
MisUnderstood
Every night I pray for many things, and for myself I always ask for guidance. I am blessed to see that the one above has placed some amazingly honest womyn in my life that provide enough illumination as I continue to create my own.
