There really is no easy way to deal with death. Just saying the word out loud makes the whole room go silent. People scatter or pat you on the back and give you this pitiful look with their eyes, as if they just lost their puppy at the park.
It has got to be one of the most confusing emotions to deal with, because there are too many emotions at once. One minute I'm smiling laughing the next I want to cry uncontrollably. But mainly I just want to be alone. At peace. Without the pity look or the pat on the back. If I'm going to be around people I want it to be normal. Not with everyone walking on egg shells as if doing anything but sitting in a room dressed in black crying is out of the question. And because of that, these emotions are also extremely awkward.
These emotions are also frustrating because I'm Latina. Latino families like to be together at times like this, all at once grieving. If you decide to separate yourself from the pack you are either being disrespectful or just wrong. That's so frustrating. I don't want to be with the group, I want to be with me myself and I. I don't want to be told how to feel or act. I don't want to go to church and light a candle- I'm not a church goer and that's just being a hypocrite on my behalf... why can't I just light a candle at home? If it's not lit at church my cousin wont see it from heaven?! Why can't I just pray as I walk through the park? Why can't I just do this on my own terms...
Being Latina at times like this makes me wonder who made up all these rules and why if they aren't followed it feels like you are a little less Latina than the rest.
I acknowledge death and that it is a part of life... but like someone told me it is only temporary. I will see my cousin again. I will see my friend Jose (may he RIP) and my uncle (may he RIP as well) again...so let me just BE.
No more explanations, no more 21 questions, no more rules, JUST LET ME BE.
FanStar
0 comments:
Post a Comment