Tears dry on their own...

I got the news this am through facebook (go figure fb is officially bearer of all news). Mami found out at five am but didn't want to tell me. I was leaving my house for an event I'm writing a story on. I had to brush off my tears and catch the train.

I amaze myself on how strong I can be emotionally, how much I can endure without throwing it on other people around me.

I didn't run to anyone, except for John Mayer... he soothed me for the rest of my day. I wish I was in the middle of a large crowd sitting with everyone's voices drowning the one in my head out... I wish I was sitting by the beach with nothing but the waves to speak to... Anywhere but here.

My closest friends offer their comforting space and love, and yet I wish I had one strong man to just hold me, to tell me everything is going to be okay... I call that stupid woman syndrome. Out of sight, out of mind.

I wonder how I'll leave my physical form, if I'll come back or choose to stay in the spirit world. I wonder who will shed tears for me, and where they will be when they hear the news. I wonder who will miss me for a brief moment and who will miss me the rest of their life. I never question the one above, but that doesn't mean I always understand her.

First I lost love. And now I lose a piece of my family. I can't take much more losing... 2010 is one hell of a year, both great and sad.

Riding this wave...

R.I.P. Prandy Nova, Love You Cousin... <3

How do you cope?

Summer is picking up...

I am getting so many amazing opportunities to enrich my career. Extremely happy people want to give me a helping hand and keep me in mind for projects. Lets see where I'm at this time next year. Hopefully still moving to the beat of my own guitar.

Rough time for my family at the moment... but I'm not sure on how to go about in coping with things. So I keep myself busy and try to be my own cheerleader. Except that when you leave me to my thoughts for more than a second I start to think about the current sadness that wants to invoke my body. I feel a bit selfish for not wanting to be home around them, I'd rather be at Union Square watching some guy do backflips. I guess thats my way of coping. Talking to random strangers, or mentioning it briefly to a close friend. When it all goes down I wonder who it is I'll run to for a hug... because at the end of the day I just want to be held and not spoken to. I think the tears will say it all.

Life is so short, which is why I try to make my mark every day. Even if its making someone smile, or just with my blog. My words are a piece of my history. My story.

Best way to put it...

Dory: Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do?
Marlin: No I don't wanna know.
Dory: [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.

FanStar

p.s. I'm not asking for an aww or pity pats, just throwing emotions out into the world. I know I'm not the only one.

Prince charming

Summer dating officially kicked off for me this May and although I am all for mourning the ending of a relationship, I am also all for jumping back in the water and seeing what the weather throws my way.

The Gods must be feeling rather humorous because the guys I'm attracting are as weird as this weather (although lately I've seen sunny skies so maybe things will shape up). It is astonishing at how I am completely detached emotionally from the guys that have come my way (not even a spark). I officially have A.D.F.D. (Attention Deficit For Dudes). None, with the exception of one (whom I'd like to keep as a friend because he has more than just a sneaker collection to offer) have kept my attention.

I find myself zoning out in the middle of dinners. Thinking of a master plan to escape from the usual boring conversations. Ain't that horrible? And yet I am glad for all these one hit wonder dates. I'm picking up on the many red flags guys come with ("I have a bad temper" "I don't make much money but love expensive things" "I drink a couple of beers every day" "I don't believe in love" "I'm still in love with my ex")-- Listening to my head tell me "ALERT", and running as fast as I can the opposite direction.

Truth is as much as I am enjoying being single at the moment, I truly miss the connection I had with my ex boyfriend. This does not mean I miss him. This means I miss the way I felt, the way it felt. The way I got excited right before we met up, the way we could talk about anything and it always had substance and left me with this awesome feeling the world was balanced right there and there, the way I already had a daydream to jump to when taking the train which could entertain me for hours, the simplicity of knowing that I didn't have to impress him because the way he looked at me told me what he thought of me.

I miss that initial connection, where we couldn't get enough of each other. The fact that I had someone I could do anything with--- from being silly to supporting each others dreams.

And although I am simply laughing all these dates off... I def feel like Prince Charming walking around with a glass slipper, waiting for the right fit.

Hmmm... and the journey continues.

Caught in the Matrix

May flew by me like a dude speeding on his bike. I’m still shocked that it is June and half of 2010 is over. I bet many of you didn’t put that into perspective yet. But this is the downfall of my mind, always analyzing the most random things. So, this weekend marked the end of May (best month of the year btw) and the beginning of the summer for most NYC heads.

The past few days put me out of my comfort zone since I usually have big weekends planned. But not this time around... I just went with the flow. Literally.

I got to see old friends--shout out to JJ who was a great host Sat. night and really took care of my girl and I. Lerve you!

I also had the opportunity to bury the hatch and start anew with someone whom I had miscommunication with. Sometimes my words get lost in translation, and my pride may set me back a while before I can fully move on from a situation. However, it felt good to hug it out and enjoy the night. I tell you, what being put on the spot does for the soul is priceless (and shout out to Noelle as well, we hugged it out @ Lorris wedding). I suppose May was the month of forgiving and forgetting.

Back to my weekend... I feel like I was caught in a vortex. So much happened that I didn’t fully process what was going on until a day after it did. As if I were an old PC still loading a page... or more like information overload.

Sunday brought me to a wake up bbm from a fellow friend telling me to get up and go, the sun was out. After some wrestling in bed, Hot 97 on blast and a much needed cold shower I went off on an adventure. I had a starting point (thanks to FB-Knower of all) and an accomplice (Big Shout out to Quimster the 1 hitter Quitter).

As I waited for Q to come through on 158 st and Broadway I was pleasantly harrassed by two guys who only seemed to know two phrases: “Real Talk” and “Imma keep it 100”------- Insert -_- face here. I don’t understand why people can’t just talk like normal human beings. Not everything has to sound like dialogue off of a Dipset video.

Regardless the fun went on, and as Q and I made our way into Riverside Park I realized this wasn’t your 15 friends getting together for a quick bbq type of bbq.

The event was called the 40oz Bounce and there were at least 200 people there. It was impressing (and I’m hard to impress). I had in front of me the outcome of an event invite gone viral on the web. The power of social media blows my mind every day. Although the DJ was dope, and the mood was right- No one was dancing (except for this tall red head of course). A lot of cool heads, but too many posers. Sadly enough many people looked the same, and although I’m all for dope style and a guy with a sleeve (tat) I’m def not excited about clones. But! Again! The trend setters set it off and every follower needs a leader... Still, I was simply amazed at the massive crowd. Shout out to the NYPD for killing the fun, you fellers sure know how to meet your quota (Thumbs Up).

My Sunday didn’t end there.... there was me bumping into one of my bosses, passing by a movie set (where my last boss/mentor was at--shout out to Rachel!), ending up in the village with Q, talking love (never fails when alcohol is involved), meeting up with friends from LI and having a random drunk guy point at me and tell my friend: “All the girls here are ugly” (LMAO) At which point I turned and said: Why is he pointing at me!? My friend tells him: “Oh yea? Thats my girl” and the random drunk guy tells him: “Except for her, she’s hot”...... I couldn’t stop laughing. I would have probably responded the same way being that my friend is 6’3. Nice. I love unforgettable sound bites.

Monday should have been a holy day left for rest, but my feet took me to dinner--where I was asked why I was alone? I didn’t realize eating alone was a problem. Next time I’ll bring my imaginary friend Nando.

There is much more in between but some is R rated and other things I’d like to just not have in writing...So.... Cheers to June. I hope you’re as wild and out of context as Memorial Day Weekend 2010 was for me.

Pa’lante como el elefante!

Fan Star

Check out a Video from Sunday's event

I can't stand the rain...

A cloud of sadness decided to park on my families drive way. I'm not great at dealing with such things. I deal with it in two ways. One is keeping busy, and two is by spending time with myself. This moment of truth, caught us off guard. I'm not understanding why it is that its happening, I'm not comprehending much if anything at all. Interestingly enough, I found comfort in a stranger. I suppose sometimes it is easier to be vulnerable with someone you don't know...I suppose.

I'm afraid I'm coming off selfish to my family, and it is not that I'm not feeling the pain as they are. It's just that I will/am approaching this cloud much differently. As they all sit inside the living room, occasionally looking outside the window checking to see if it decided to go away, I put on my rain coat and boots-- hold on to my toughest umbrella and step outside our door.

This doesn't mean that I am not accepting the circumstance that we find ourselves in... or that I am unfazed. But I trust in the one above, and if this is part of his plan I will not fight it. Embrace. Unravel. Understand.

All these things I'm doing while crossing this bridge.

MsUnderstood...

For the record

My heart is under construction
Trynna apply a few new things
Concept meeting emotion
Learning to build a cold surface
So detached is how ill function

I'm not interested in you long term
I'm not trynna wife you up
No subliminal messages
Cus' my his just mean wassup

Only want superficial connections
And I still haven't mentioned
The way that this will be
Rule #1
Don't expect any real love from me

I don't have time to be G'd up
So save your lines for
Simple minded hoes
Spray them w/ words like you do to grass w/ your hose
Wine and dine me cus I'm fine
But a dap or a pound is what you'll get for the night
If you get mad, find someone else to fight

Call me distant if you may
But whatever is all I'll say
So don't mind me, enjoy your day


This aint a front
This aint a gimmick
At arms length, that is your limit
Take it or leave it

But always remember that I'm ...
Known to many
A Friend to few
A lover to barely any, especially to you.

Reminders

These past three weeks have been an emotional rain storm that has begun to fade away. I've evaluated myself emotionally from every angle I could think of. Tried to see myself in a different way after Uv posed the question of what type of emotional pattern I have, and how healthy it is. Most people have dating patterns, meaning their partners tend to have some/many of the same traits. This is not the case for me. However, I happen to have an emotional pattern. Which is not up for discussion just yet --- still inspecting it.

I want to share a little story of how far I've come in dating and how thankful I am for the person it has made me. Two years ago I went out with a guy notoriously known for being many things, and being a good boyfriend was not one of them. But like most lessons in life-- all come with experience. Hands on.

I'll keep this short. The relationship turned toxic rather quickly, and although I knew it was not a great situation I stuck it out. Ah something about believing you can change a person (laughs). By the end of that summer we had a trip to Florida, to meet some of his family. Two days prior to the trip, he breaks up with me. But! the trip could not be cancelled. All was booked, the family was anticipating our arrival. Some of you might think I'm the biggest idiot for going on the trip, but don't judge. When you care about someone you can be very foolish and not even notice it. Anyway, we return from our trip and I am totally devastated. For a week I took all our pictures from Florida and made a scrapbook--- hey, I cope w arts & crafts you cope with liquor, lets move on... A week later, the guy begs me to get back with him, I say yes (foolish moment #2) and a month later after realizing that this was simply not a good look for me, I ended things.

Now, that is the basic ending to the story. I would like to elaborate on the parts where he was emotional, controlling AND had the most ridiculously CRAZY psychotic ex girlfriend evil has managed to birth. But I'll save that for my book.

When this boy broke up with me, I thought I was never going to meet someone like him again. But, I DID. And better. And while being single and living the life of a 20 year old for the past two years, I forgot about that lesson. Until today.

Today I found the scrapbook I made of us in Florida. As I looked through the photos and read all the side comments, I kept thinking: WOW, here I was. And here I am today.

I am thankful that I went against the grain and dated that boy. He taught me early on what a dysfunctional and emotionally unhealthy relationship looks like. Why ex girlfriends, if still mentioned are a huge red flag. Why men should not be unfinished projects for me to finish.

I'm thankful I recognized all of the things in a crappy union early on that some women/men take years to realize/never do (and managed not to allow them to repeat again). I'm thankful I didn't try to change myself from a sweetheart to a btch---just because. Yes, I became more protective of my heart, but that was only fair. A lot less foolish indeed.

So yes! move with caution when approaching the jungle that the dating world is. Yes! be courageous enough to take a leap and say fk it when you meet someone you think might "Just, Be, It". Yes! brace yourself for the end of it all---Break ups aren't usually fun nor easy (with the exception of a few). And YES!... look forward to the fact that it will all happen again.

Learn. Live. BE.

MsUnderstood.