Utterly Surreal...

It was March, and I was having an anxiety attack at the thought of not knowing what was going to happen next in my life. My time at People en Espanol had come to an end and Univision had not called me back--after two interviews-- so my head was spinning, you would have thought I had a hang over.

And then I get an email back from Ms. Gardner telling me there might be a position for me at the NYILFF, except the decision was up to the new Managing Director- Ms. Bravo. I was nervous --not going to lie, after all I had done my research and Ms. Bravo's resume was more than impressive. But when things are meant to be the road magically opens, and here I am ready to share with you my experience with the NYILFF.

From the beginning I knew it would be an amazing experience, my first conversations with Liz & Tanya were filled with laughter and story telling. One by one the staff walked into our cubicle space, and one by one I fell in love with their personalities and welcoming auras. I knew I was not just another employee, I new I was part of a team... and now I know I was actually part of a family.

From Tanya's requests at 90 mph (which I caught by the way, I'm amazing at multi-tasking), to my on going wit battle with Juan, there was never---and I mean never a dull moment in that office.

I had Aneudy to beat up (I know you loved it amiguito), Calixto to walk in and say something fabulous, Carmen to share her goodies (and by that I mean the tons of food/candy she brought in... I declined but maybe I shouldn't have haha), Sonia to steal my desk when I had just gone to the bathroom, Lyndon to tell me "you don't have to worry about that, I got this" (and he did), and Liz to be the encourager-- never did I go home without her saying " Thank you!" or "Great job you rock!"

Where else do you get such amazing support and love and honesty? Only at NYILFF.

The Festival came and went and I'm going through major withdrawal. I miss waking up to Carmen's laugh and Tanya's "GIRLS GIRLS WE HAVE A CALL WAKE UP!"... to Aneudy's "Yall want breakfast?" and Liz's "You guys are killing me over here..." when we were running late (SORRY!)... I'm missing April from SKA telling me exactly where whatever was when I called her asking for xyz (you're beyond amazing)...I'm missing Jessica's & Oscar's excitement to be interviewing people (thumbs up to you two), Sasha's magical fingers taking pictures and uploading them on to our Twitter for the followers to see...I'm missing the gazillion flashes from the gazillion photos we took on the green/red carpet, The Cell-- where during the day we were printing lists like mad women and at night we were down stairs talking up a storm and sharing stories. I miss the fact that we had no idea of time, and yet we were looking forward to the next day.

Every day ran as smooth as a river, every day the after parties were beautiful and well executed, every day I saw my family with a smile on their face-- no matter how much running around they had done since the morning.

I am beyond thankful to have met, worked and grown with such an awesome group of individuals who just wanted one thing: An unforgettable festival.

And you know what, from the way I'm feeling right now, I say mission accomplished.

Until next year.

Loving the NYILFF Team of 2010.

Como una estrella fugaz...

FanStar

And then it hit me...

Mental break. That's what I was doing. And then there it was, a picture of my ex with a girl. I'm not one to go looking for things--- because if you're looking you shall find, and frankly I just don't care nor do I want to know. But this, this was not just a regular picture, this was romance on my screen... and I knew, right there and then that this was a new love.

I'm going to wear my heart on my sleeve now...

Slap. Punch. Kick. I felt like I had just gotten jumped on a shady street. My first love broke my heart... and now he has a new girlfriend. I don't hold grudges and I don't wish bad upon new love, never... but understand we parted ways because he didn't have time for a relationship, and weeks later he was on to the next one.

I'm not playing the victim, I'm just shocked. I trusted someone with my emotions, something hard for me to do-- maybe its because of the whole absent daddy thing--- and I forgot how vulnerable I can truly be.

Made me step back and wonder if there was something wrong with me, but I stopped that thought quick... there is nothing wrong with me. We were just the wrong match, hopefully his new love is the right one.

I just wish he would have been more honest, because at least then I would have walked on the opposite side of that shady street, where the whole block was lit.

And so I shed.

MisUnderstood.

Pre-Festival

The Festival officially kicks off tomorrow and I am super excited! What an experience to be a part of something so big! Yes? yes......totally!

Today we had the El Espiritu de la Salsa event at 135th st and St. Nich... it was a great turn out! People were enjoying the live salsa band, some lady killed it on the "dance floor"--- made me want to run and dance ( I did, but in place)... ahem.

I loved the vibe everyone was giving off, it was a great way to start my week.

So here is to a great week, to a wonderful staff that keeps it real (at all times), here is to a new adventure I get to tell my grandkids about, to new stories I get to write about, and to whatever is coming next in my life...

I pray for guidance... embracing my present while awaiting my future.

En paz.

FanStar.

Laugh with me...

Let me share my summer dating thus far, maybe you learn something new from it or perhaps you laugh it off as I've been doing... I'll give cliff notes.

There was white boy with swag, totally dope on so many levels. We could talk for hours about basketball or the discovery channel. He was into random events and didn't mind my Erykah Badu-ness.... and then there was his ex. Who was not really an ex, yet she was... but no wait, she wasnt... so what was it?

(File under: Pseudo Connection)

Then there was the Puerto Rican, totally opposite from the other Puerto Rican. Maybe thats why I was attracted to him... hmmm. Tough on the outside sweet behind curtains. I still don't understand why it is men like to pretend to be anything but real... Aspiring emcee, angry about something or the other--I forget... He didn't understand why I liked all things to be positive but learned to roll with my hippie-ness...(Shifty Eyes) I'll blame it on my weakness for that accent.

(File under: It happens)

There was also the date that spoke about gas,vomiting and poop during dinner (hmmm classy)... there was the one who went from being sweet and funny to loud obnoxious and vulgar in a matter of 20 minutes (this was at a diner, with another couple---I love live novelas, don't you?)... we had the cheap one who complained about everything in sight (in particular at an event he invited himself to... ) and the "wtf just happened" continues--trust...

I've had the short, the bald, the tall the conceited, the mean the confused the overly emotional (for all the wrong reasons), the too comfortable too soon, the I think I know it all so don't dare challenge me, the past lovers who are trying to make a comeback, the obviously lying... and they are all emotionally unavailable. (laugh with me)

I'm not complaining, trust me I am better off than plenty of women my age... but, just laugh with me...

I'll share a recent encounter, which was very ironic.

Last week as I'm getting ready to meet up with some of my favorite women, my two aunts and mother are having a conversation on men (yap yap yap women need new topics--haha look @ me with this blog, hush! and read). So they're discussing the different benefits of dating white, black and latino men. I wont get into details because the conversation was borderline hysterical and a tad offensive (plus I can't share all they say, I won't be allowed back into the triangle of trust)... Entonces, at the end of the conversation my 2 cents were that it doesn't matter what race nor what nationality or shade of color the man is, it boils down to his education/manners/life stage/respect for females... etc etc etc.

Fast forward to the evening, I find myself at this restaurant in midtown with my girlfriends. Good vibes are all in the air and by the end of the night a conversation is sparked between myself and a very handsome tall well established Irish/English man---however in his words, he was the "ultimate white boy"... ok.

Conversation is great (check). Humor is wonderful (check). Attraction (check, check, check). All was well in cupids eyes, contact information was exchanged and then the end.... right? NOT quite. The "ultimate white boy" decided to continue the conversation through text, and within the first 10 minutes of the conversation he asked me to join him back at his place (and thats me putting it in a sweet way), I of course declined multiple times (yes, multiple).

The moral of my story is, it doesn't matter that he was white and well off, his class was lacking. At no point did I give the hint or the green light that I wanted to go home with him. Not even my outfit was inviting. Like my MJ told me, "men have one formula and they apply it across the board, unfortunately it will work on one girl more than once"... I'm not saying white men are scumbags, I am saying that all men are capable of being it.

Haci que, ojo! Watch yourself ladies! And men, same goes for you... I see the vultures with their claws out all the time... Hay mi madre, que generacion.

In good humor (and honesty)...

FanStar

All I think about...

Is the two goals I have for this year....

Paciensia y fe.

Gnite Universe.

Fireworks...

This Drake song feat Ms. Akeys has been going off in my head like fireworks themselves. So much going on right now and yet so much more that needs to happen, that I want to make happen, that WILL happen.

The NY International Latino Film Festival is coming to a closing-- or rather officially took flight this past week. I feel like it's my last month at Marist and I have a gazillion things to do, everything demands my attention... including my future and what moves I'll make next.

I'm super excited about the festival though, I'm excited to be part of such a great team. Talented people who are making such a huge event happen from their laptops and cubicles. I swear its like brewing magic... the stuff fireworks is made of. I have to say I'm thankful for the opportunity, because experience is the best teacher--- and it doesn't get better than this... especially at just 24.

I'm curious about where I'll be this fall, but I sure hope it's in a sweet sweet place. I'm ready for this next stage of my life, mentally, emotionally... spiritually... all those things simultaneously setting off in my mind... like fireworks.

I'm looking forward to a break from the NYC hectic-ness, by that I mean La Isla del Encanto con mi mejor amiga Daisy Z. Looking forward to laying back, I hope I find a hammock (you know me, I'm a hammock lover)... I look forward to relaxing, and not having my next few weekends planned (which I do)... I just want to stop, freeze and take it all in... like fireworks on a dark summer sky.

I've been super romantic lately. Someone asked me if I was in love again, I had to chuckle. Not at all, but then again I've always been in love with LOVE and will continue to be... Why not? It is part of me, like the skin on my bones and the smile beneath my lips... I'm just happy.

FanStar...

I'm thinking of a master plan, after all thoughts are more powerful than anything I know of.

Please Don't (Let Me Be) MsUnderstood

There really is no easy way to deal with death. Just saying the word out loud makes the whole room go silent. People scatter or pat you on the back and give you this pitiful look with their eyes, as if they just lost their puppy at the park.

It has got to be one of the most confusing emotions to deal with, because there are too many emotions at once. One minute I'm smiling laughing the next I want to cry uncontrollably. But mainly I just want to be alone. At peace. Without the pity look or the pat on the back. If I'm going to be around people I want it to be normal. Not with everyone walking on egg shells as if doing anything but sitting in a room dressed in black crying is out of the question. And because of that, these emotions are also extremely awkward.

These emotions are also frustrating because I'm Latina. Latino families like to be together at times like this, all at once grieving. If you decide to separate yourself from the pack you are either being disrespectful or just wrong. That's so frustrating. I don't want to be with the group, I want to be with me myself and I. I don't want to be told how to feel or act. I don't want to go to church and light a candle- I'm not a church goer and that's just being a hypocrite on my behalf... why can't I just light a candle at home? If it's not lit at church my cousin wont see it from heaven?! Why can't I just pray as I walk through the park? Why can't I just do this on my own terms...

Being Latina at times like this makes me wonder who made up all these rules and why if they aren't followed it feels like you are a little less Latina than the rest.

I acknowledge death and that it is a part of life... but like someone told me it is only temporary. I will see my cousin again. I will see my friend Jose (may he RIP) and my uncle (may he RIP as well) again...so let me just BE.

No more explanations, no more 21 questions, no more rules, JUST LET ME BE.

FanStar