My birthday is right around the corner! You know how I know I'm getting old?
No, its not because loud High School students annoy me when I'm on the train, or because me and my girlfriends are okay with talking about our future kin. It is because life is putting me at the forefront of confrontation. And I don't mean the physical type where a picture of me with a busted lip might show up on FB, I mean the type of confrontation where you have to have a conversation with someone you love (friend or lover) that brings the "bad" traits of your personality to the surface. Traits that although you may secretly recognize, are blatantly being pointed out by those who matter most in your life.
I hate confrontation. Let me clear that up, I hate confrontation with the people that I love. A stranger, or co-worker I can deal with. But someone whom I love, I turn into pudding masked by my defense mechanism: defensive, shelled up, offended.
I wish I didn't get defensive, but as much as I try it is a trait that just doesn't seem to go away. I say a few words, if at all, and go back into my shell. This of course may come off as standoff-ish. But is not. See, for me to really go through with confrontation I have to go through this whole mental process where I debate with myself the conversation. I dissect it from every angle, and then come back out; clear headed a little less hurt.
The truth is, and I'm sure this was no secret, I am very sensitive. And it scares me when an important relationship is being threatened by any confrontation. Ever since I came to this country I noticed how much I feared the above. I noticed because every time my cousin (who is seven months older than I) got into an argument with me I would be the one to try and make up and apologize. Even though 90% of the time it wasn't my fault.
Although apologizing might be a little harder for me now, if I have my fault in something I will say it. After all, pride is the killer of all-- Especially love.
I don't want my own psychosis to get the best of me, for it to ruin the relationships (of friends and lovers) that I'm working so hard on maintaining.
I recognize my imperfections, and hope that those closest to me have the patience to work with me through this thing called growth. After all, I can only meet people half way.
I can accept that Life will continue to be a roller coaster, I just don't want to be on the ride alone.
MisUnderstood
"When Love Rules Power Disappears. When Power Rules Love Disappears."-PC
2 comments:
this is inspirational..i feel you on the confrontation :( ...ahh growth lurve you!
i don't know you and i only found your blog bc a best friend of mine who also happens to be your sorority sister, valerie rodriguez, sent me a link to your page. you have no idea how much i relate to this post. i thought i was losing my mind! i dunno if you would want to, but i would so SO down to talk to you on this point. fb me if you want: briana rodriguez.thanks for this. =)
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