My ... my...

My peoples, maybe you already had discovered this magnificent fkin artist (and if you did and didn't share her with me I am super mad at you)...

Check her out her name is Ayo... listen to Down on my knees

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_laMjmR5nM

This song just makes me want to cry scream throw sht around... even though I am really not violent and wont dare do that... maybe scream. haha. Nah but I recently found out that two guys that I dated during the previous years are not commitment-phobes anymore. One is married and the other is going in that direction with a baby on the way... I had to pick up my jaw from the floor... I guess men can change. I guess love does conquer all. And I guess that I must be like the guy from Gluck Chuck (without all the sex) ! But I am super happy for these guys, and it makes me appreciate all of those relationships much more.

Dig it. (snap fingas)

Is there life after death?

I stayed up late last night watching "What dreams may come" I completely forgot about this movie, shame on me... I used to love it when I was younger. Years later it still had the same effects on me, I cried like a baby when he realized who his son and daughter were... and fell asleep with joy in my heart because him and his wife saved each other in the end.

Oh the power of love.

The movie really got me thinking about death. I wondered how many people would miss me if I were to be gone tomorrow... how many would regret never telling me how they truly felt about me... how many would think of me as an influence in their lives... Who would you miss if they were gone tomorrow? ... maybe you should pick up the phone and tell them how much you love them...hmm.

In the movie they explained that everyone paints their own world... If this is true my world would be bright with beaches and palm trees, a small water fall with beautiful scenery and birds flying around... una hamaca so that I could fall asleep at night staring at the stars... ah paz.

Maybe death is just another stage to life. You start in your mothers womb, then you enter this physical world, and then there's the spiritual one... it is possible.

Live.

"Thought is real, physical is the illusion"---What dreams may come

Fan-Star

Had to share...

Running the risk of sounding too mushy, I have to say that working with kids may be a headache but it is rewarding for the soul. Today I had the chance to help the 2nd graders with their homework, and one of the kids I worked with was being difficult... I had to show him that homework (it was a writing assignment) is fun! haha. But at the end of the hour, he was smiling... he gave me some high fives and told me that my earrings and boots looked nice on me (holler)... anyjuey, it was satisfying because I know tomorrow that child will walk into his classroom with finished homework that is neither sloppy or in cohesive. What made my heart melt was that he told me he wants to be a basketball player when he grows up, I asked why? and he said, "So I can give my mom more money and help her"... 7 years old.

Kids are like a sponge, please be self conscious of the things that you do around them.

Keep it.

Causing me stress. Making me upset when I should be moving forward with this new life that I have been given. ... Let me take a breath and step back so that I don't have to inhale all this venom that seems to pour through your pores. My mans, all that unnecessary yelling is clogging my ears and seriously, even if I can personify this crazy untouchable butterfly, my mind is quite fond of the peace and quiet it has acquired over the past year.

Calmate.

My mother taught me many things, and one was to THINK before you SPEAK. But since I use a pen so much and this keyboard, for me its more of a THINK before you WRITE. I however have an issue with censoring the thoughts that flow through my mind, but then what mami taught me flashes through my peaceful mind... and I start to think... before I write.

Be mindful of others peoples feelings.

It is a problem within a problem since people still don't know how to handle their own feelings, let alone someone elses..

Que problema.

People will not change unless they want to. I will not change unless I choose to. There is always that choice, and it seems to be pushed aside with the excuses created by the feelings that we are yet to understand...

Exhale.

I wake up every morning and thank her for a new day, to live, to grow, to understand my purpose in this world. Everyone says life is what you make of it, so like the Lego's you once played with, go ahead and begin to build the life that you CHOOSE. The life you WANT.

Negativity is this energy created by... you. So if you choose to think it, then you are choosing to feel it.

But you best' believe, that you, can KEEP IT.

Remember that negative thoughts have baggage, and they are usually called misery and drama.

Con Fe. & a bright smile on my Face.

Fan Star.

Hes just not that into you...

Yeah... that's cool. Except how about... SHE'S just not that into YOU. I wont say I'm not waiting for this movie to come out on film to see it... because I am. But! It goes both ways. I am guilty of telling a guy more than once, lets just be friends. Hey, at least I'm not like the many A-holes in the world that lead people on and really break their hearts. As I said, it goes both ways... (this was my random rant of the day)

I saw the 2nd part of Che. Once again if Benicio del Toro doesn't get an award, eso es un Chitin!! See, Puerto Rican men may be crazy (my great grams said that) but damn damn damn... and as a last note, this movie made me dislike Bolivia. Not on my good list. Not at all.

Yo, Vday is coming. haha. Honestly, if you are only romantic to your partner one day out of the whole year, then you suck. Plain and simple. If there is one thing my ex's (whether they were official or not) could say is that I am super detailed/romantic/thoughtful, it sounds like I'm bragging... sorry... its just that I pride myself on that. And maybe some of you should start thinking a little bit less about you, and a little bit more about the person you are romantically interested in... and I don't mean spending $$, because the nicest things can cost you so little. Oh you don't believe me?! ex: I once sent a guy a box with miniature cupcakes and cheese cakes (his favs) and got them delivered to his job randomly... I was upstate. Idk about you, but if its a boring Tuesday at 3 pm and I get a nice treat like that, well call me Summer and let me skip. My point is, as this hallmark day approaches and you get sucked into the romance, don't reach for the 5 dollar chocolates and the usual restaurant... try a little harder. If the person appreciates your effort they are a keeper, and if they don't... well, then maybe (s)he is just not that into you...

Seeing hearts.

FanStar.

Groove Theory: Tell me

Success... Advancement...Satisfaction...Fulfillment

I believe in signs... strongly believe in signs... I like to think that its part of my connection to this higher being... to the world. To my surroundings to... you? haha. Now I sound like a nut case... and well, a little crazy is always good. Stagnation seems to plague many peoples lives.

This weekend was one of those weekends where I woke up late this crisp Sunday afternoon and started to review all the large events and small moments within the events and then the conversations that were held on the train, in the red Volvo, on the wooden floors.... I tell you NYC just adds on to the scenes that kept replaying in my mind ...
I'm not proud to say that I ran around like a mad woman with only two hours of sleep.. I had to wear sunglasses to cover the bags under my eyes (anyone up for shopping?!) but there is nothing some good sleep can't fix.

I was able to reunite with my future housemate (it will happen which is why I can say that) and some of the other DT members. We went to this spot in Queens. I am a Queens girl. I love Queens, but it isn't the most hip place... not in my eyes that is. However, it was sweet to hang out in my borough for once. Surprisingly enough all the men at this very stylish hot spot were cops and firemen. (insert wide grin here) except none were really the type of eye candy you think of when I say "fireman" (insert shrug here). But that small detail didn't matter since it was a girls night out! and well, girls will be girls. I'll put it like this, hanging with my girls is like jumping into a cool pool on a hot summer day followed by fireworks... bliss would be an understatement.

Of course I would be coaxed into a night out and then have to wake up at 7 am the next day (yeah woot, woot). I made it though! I am a responsible person (at least I try to be) and with that said... Saturday did not seem to have an end.
But... I attended this amazing/dope event by Canal street where they had a reading of two plays and then a viewing of this short documentary called "The Bigger the Hoop" which was about Latina women and the hoop earring that seems to come with the package... haha. It was funny how different females spoke about it, as well as men... It was said to be empowering, which I can agree. When I put on my big hoop earrings I feel like I have an extra swing, and pep in my step. Its like Batman and his belt... if that makes any sense. I got to mingle with some women in the media business (shout out to Latino Flavored Productions Inc).

Entonces, me dari and J to the mo headed into Bk on a quest for the rest of what ended up being an eventful night... my friend Erk Beats is (if you couldn't tell by the name) a music engineer and we got to see his loft which in 2 weeks will look like his studio & office. This dude is very talented (who wouldn't be with a mentor like SwizzBeats)... And so we found ourselves (3 chicas, a music head and a Ukrainian photographer) with a super duper old Nintendo (as in with the games that you had to blow on so they could work ... and yes, I sucked at the games again)-- a hookah, and some random Brazilian new wave jump to big pun and the rest of the goons type of music... =) awesome... sometimes my nights are just unexpected (I think its safe to say most times...) --- no the night didn't end there, but there was a grill cheese, some champagne, a Bboy (insert grin), and some ridiculous showtime dancing on the R train where I didn't know the conductor was standing behind me as I pretended to dance while holding myself to two poles... yea, that was one for the books.

Anyjuey, the title of this blog is from a series of advertisements that I saw on the train ... which caught my attention because, my goodness those four words describe exactly what I want ... and who says I can't have it...? The only limitations that exist are the ones you give yourself. The ones you make up in your own mind. You say something long enough to yourself and you start believing it... but enough about my sharing. I wanna be about it.



En confiansa.
Fan Star. <3 style="font-style: italic;">Akeys----you don't know my name.

like an album...

I'm a super friggin dork! we got to organize all the books that were apparently hidden in this dungeon (it looked just like a dungeon with a small midget door and all) and as I went through the 10's of books, I couldn't stop thinking of how amazing it would have been to have had all these books at my disposal when I was younger. It saddens me to see that kids don't take advantage of reading. If there is one thing I hope my children get from me (aside from my humor) is the passion for reading and writing! (I am not good at math, so to all my future ex boyfriends who might possibly be my future partner and father of the curly haired freckled faced children I will give birth to (breath) I hope you have the ultimate math gene).

Whats for dinner?!

I went to dinner with my male best friend... this dude is cooler than the 80s. I absolutely love catching up with him. Its like taking a time machine and talking about old times ... (put your seat belt on and keep your hands inside at all times)

Sophomore year of college:

I had the bright idea of visiting him, and so I go all dressed with my tighter than life jeans and some black boots with the leather (ah yes, the leather) hair super curly... you catch my drift. I enter his school like the super nova just hit, and of course the crowd motivator I start to talk to all his friends. Everyone was sitting around a small wooden table playing domino's, and they pull me in the game... (did I mention we dated in h.s?) anyjuey... his friends start asking questions and I start being obnoxiously loud saying that if and when he gets a serious girlfriend, she needs to be twice as fly as me with green eyes and the measurements only Ms Universe would have... (did I mention he did have a gf but I didn't know she existed?!) ... ahem... shorty with the extra pounds and the brown eyes stands next to him...glaring...smoke coming out of her ears... and what does my best friend do? Smile. Shaking his head. Lets just say that didn't end well.

Well come to find out he called her by my name once in a conversation... and this is why I only have a handful of girlfriends. But I was flattered... lets just say that didn't end well either.

But better than stories and catching up, was reflecting. He told me of a friend he has who is in a coma, and goodness that slapped me across the face... with life once again. Yes I am currently content with how things are turning out... but not completely satisfied. Thinking about this girl being in a coma makes me think of how I may possibly be wasting away my talents, as if they too were put in a coma for the time being.

Crazy.

One liner: Men ...Women... talk. Not at each other. With! each! other!. My goodness, when did it become so hard to keep it "real"? Don't say you are "blunt" when you are really NOT. Stop thinking that by ignoring a situation you are sparing someones feelings, NO, you are simply delaying the outcome and frustrating the other individual....

I must be too mature for my age.

And since I've been thinking about some of the men in my life (thanks to another SntC episode)

Thank you ...to...

My first boyfriend for showing me that a guy can cry...

My last boyfriend for showing me that sometimes you just have to let go...

My Mr.Big for letting me know that the guy I'm with, needs to treat my girlfriends as if they were princess' in my court

My worse date to date for showing me that just bc a guy is good looking doesn't mean you should give him a free pass for being an a-hole

My MC for showing me that a friendship doesn't always transform into a good relationship...romantic that is

My Spaniard for showing me that it is okay to feel comfortable with a handsome man...

My Puerto Rock for introducing me to Puerto Rican men ( a weakness)...

My men in service for allowing me to not only appreciate a man in a uniform, but a man that I can feel safe with...

My Best friend for always making me laugh , and for understanding all the circumstances.

Thank you to all the jerks I have dated, to all the men whose hearts I've broken, to all the guys that broke mine, to the many that will inevitably come...

En carcajadas....

Vive.

Fanstar

Like a pinata...

I fell asleep with a whole mess of things on my mind... but woke up with one. How do I continue to explore the possibility of becoming a writer? That idea seems to be running endlessly on a wheel, like a hamster does through his day. Maybe I wont be this amazing writer known by an array of individuals from different corners of the world, I'm not asking to be Mr. Marquez, but then again I'm not doing it because I want glory. I'm doing it because I enjoy it, and lord knows if I do impact one persons life it makes a difference in mine.

Soul Mates

Right before I end my 100 chats with different friends, one of them begins to talk to me about Soul Mates. Here we go. I was too tired to get into the conversation, a conversation that I am sure would take me this and another 2 lifetimes to finish... but as I get into bed and decide to keep my eyes open for the sake of Sex and the City (gasp! a guilty pleasure), what was the topic of the episode?! A RING A DING... Soul Mates. I shook my head and looked above me, Dios, she must really want me to pay attention to this topic. Maybe some of you believe Carrie to be a ridiculous character, but whomever wrote her dialogue was on to something...

"Are soul mates real, or just a device to torture yourself?" "If you fall in love and it doesn't work out is he/she just a runner up for this thing called a fairy tale?"

Conchale, mi gente. To discuss this we need to talk about love. friendship. honesty. history... everything... life! what is a soul mate, a true one? can you have more than one? can you go on through this and many other lives waiting to find.meet.encounter.merely brush hands with, your soul mate? how do you know?

All I can say, is that yes I believe (at least I want to) in soul mates. I want to believe in love. In true friendship. In the idea that happiness will continue to exist within me even if it doesn't always surround me... again I'm going off on a tangent.

Rewarding...

It seems that lately I seem to be serving my community in small tastes. I was able to translate to a Dominican mother what a principal, a teacher, and a social worker had to say about her son today. I am thankful for speaking 2 languages. You know what the mother told me? Que dios te lo pague. If she only knew that knowing that I was of help was pay enough.

Este... Did you see Che? If you didn't you need to... I saw the first half today and well lets just say I was one happy jolly rancher. The movie was amazingly edited. Black and White to color was refreshing. Benicio del Toro was DOPE as in I will have his children and bring him his slippers DOPE (hay and I'm not docile). The guy who played Fidel was bonkers, this guy knew his mannerisms from the index finger loop he does as he speaks to the pulling of his beard...it was uncanny. If I would have been around in 1959 I would have been madly in love with Che, simply a brilliant man who was MSUNDERSTOOD. One of the things he said that is still hanging onto my mind like a swing from a play ground is...

"A true Revolutionary is not only found in combat..."

Y entonces... maybe I am not at war, but maybe just maybe I can be the beginning to my own revolution.

Vive.

Fan Star

back in da days when I was young I'm not a kid anymore...

If you weren't outside last night, you missed out on some beautiful scenery. It was absolutely breath taking. NYC looked like it was getting painted on by some angels... cheesy but its the truth. I wanted to just stand there and look around... so I did. Right on the corner of 6 av, york street, ave of the Americas and canal street...

As the snow fell on my face, I started to think about two things that I had heard & read recently.

The first was from the movie The family that Prays,

"You cant make yourself happy by bringing misery to other people"

The second from some magazine,

"People often forget what you tell them, but they will never forget how you made them feel"

Negative people are every where, just waiting to be given the chance to kill someones dream. To bring them down, in the hopes I suppose that they will feel better about themselves and their short comings. My suggestion is to really excommunicate yourself from someone like this and work on yourself. Misery loves company, but never is there happiness in it.

How you feel is what matters. I mentioned in a previous blog that words carry so much weight (to me) and that many take that for granted. But what is more important is how you make someone FEEL. Your character, your actions, your body language, the way you TREAT someone. Mi gente, be conscious of this... I have allowed myself to give certain people a free pass... meaning, every time they say something hurtful or unnecessary I brush it off with, "oh thats just (insert name), thats how they are". Well, I'm sorry person who is careless and expects that such behavior is acceptable. As a female who is CONSCIOUS of her self worth, individuals like that no longer need to be a part of my journey... And in the same manner, I hope that those people that I've come across will think of me as a decent person, because I made them feel comfortable/happy/intellectually touched... etc.

I am such a busy body. Mami says that I have to be related to the energizer bunny, porque no paro en la casa... I shrug my shoulders. Con mami no se gana, if I'm home she tells me go squeeze the life out of your 20's, if I'm out she wants me home... the vicious cycle I tell you.

So I went to a random arcade downtown, UNEXPECTED!, I absolutely love surprises (just don't tell me its a surprise bc I'll ask like 100 times) and it was dope. I got my fanny kicked at the ultimate street fighter/xmen machine... like 5 times. I lost all my coins lol. Listen I was the child that pressed all the buttons hoping a kick would turn into a shazam! then there was Jr Pac Man... yes, you guessed it! I got eaten by the little ghost looking guys ... there goes another dollar. I did however win the car race, go figure I dont even have a permit (shame shame). My point is. Call up that girl/guy you've been dying to hang out with and do something out of character/random and fun. Just because we are adults it doesn't mean you cant let loose... ah life. Thanx poet.

Entonces, I went to a Mason program about MLK & other civil rights leaders. Dope. They spoke very well, and were welcoming. My third suggestion of the day, if you are curious about something ask someone who knows. Stop the generalizations, the misconceptions, the made up ideas. It's getting old, mi gente...very old.

On a last thought, Mr. Barack Obama. Guepa. Congrats on finally coming into office. Last night as I heard the speech about MLK I thought, I wish I would have been there to hear him address all those people. And then mj told me, well you heard Obama address our people. Let us have faith in this man.

....But some days I sit and wish I was a kid again.

FanStar

Song: Shakira- No

Did you just see that?!

I swear this weather is not ATTRACTIVE. I need to learn how to drive so I can ride in mamis carrito and me and my girls don't have to suffer the infinite journeys on the trains. But! I must say the funniest things happen on the train!

EXAMPLE
Saturday night: me dari and mj
1. we see a bum quickly and swiftly reaching into a garbage can and running off with his treasure ... did i mention he had a cape? dari said that he was probably a warlock... I agree, its the only reasonable explanation.

Entonces. Since Friday we just stayed in and watched random youtube videos , shout out to the crybaby! haha. We made sat. a full blown lets just try this thing we did in the summer night.

There was the stroll step show, shout out to my stroll team who killed it on stage... and of course my favorite part was standing for 3 hours on heels. =) I love when my feet are swollen. Anyjuey, then .. THEN... we go to Gngs, where me and dari lari were followed around by the cougers.

couger: male or female who is older ... old-er than 40s ...ha... ha.
that was an experience to say the least...

Although there is no work tomorrow... and it is picture perfect out... tonight is a movie night. Go watch slumdog millionare, it deserved every award it got. I swear, life is ironic and i believe in fate. For all the realistic cynics out there, don't watch it. It might melt your heart.

And as a last thought- from a conversation that left me thinking... "the word consideration does not exist in a prideful mans dictionary... "

So how deep are you?

How deep are you?

That's the conversation I had with my mj... but what classifies someone as deep? what is your definition of deep? what may be deep to me may seem simplistic to you... or maybe simplicity is what being deep is all about.

I don't pretend to be something that I am not. I am not google, I don't know it all. I am not athletic, I can't put the ball in the hoop for the life of me, I can't be graceful all the time, I love to jump on my bed and sing at the top of my lungs. I'm not a push over, but I love to see a smile on someones face.I love to live. To the fullest. So once again, the thought of someone writing me off as something I am not without really getting to know me pisses me off. yes, I get angry. But now I know that I have to be okay with that, because not everyone is as opened minded as me. Not everyone is willing to be honest with themselves and with others. Not everyone is as laid back and willing to let fate do its part.

I can't control what people think of me, or the way certain people may treat me (even if I didn't deserve that treatment to begin with...)but I can start to control the my "nice sweet" actions and whom I offer them to. I am not psychic so I can't always foresee who might be a jerk/a-hole, but you know what? the older I get the easier it is to deal with the circumstances I find myself in.

So I ask you again... how deep are you? because if you are truly deep (my opinion) you should be able to move past the immediate image and get to know the person within.

What an enigma.

Fan Star.

song: Alejandro sanz y shakira- te lo agradezco pero no

Se me prendio el bombillo...

Thinking.Thoughts.Thoughts.Thinking.Observe.Write.Listen.Watch.Look.Touch.Think... that's how my mind works half the time (random sharing)

Day 3 of being okay with what you can control... all day my mind has fluctuated between thinking about the thing I don't want to think about, and forgetting the thing but then reminding myself of it by thinking, HEY CONGRATS YOU DIDN'T THINK ABOUT IT... And THAT thing is this quote by Saul Williams, pg 92 said the shot gun to the head! Read it... ----I'm just rambling on, but I can't help it.

So I am back to being age 5! Pause! ok ok... in the sense that I want to learn it all. I am so curious about, well everything... that catches my senses that is... Y ultimamente se me cogio con masonry. I went to dinner with a good friend (kudos you rock for keeping it funky (haha) ) who is a mason and from what I gathered, I have thus far gained a new respect for the craft. Obviously I don't know it all, and wont be able to since it is a secret society. But from the amount that was exchanged over dinner, I am interested in it enough to appreciate it for what it is (or understood it to be).

And so what I CAN control at this point in time is the amount of information I take in, as well as from the sources I choose to take them from. I think its important to actively seek out the answers (or attempt to at least)... rambling on again so I'll stop.

As I sat in a coffee shop on this cold day, and looked at all the unfamiliar faces around me, I just wondered, what does everyone else seek? you must seek different things at different stages of your life (not with age, stages)... what do YOU seek?

"And so it is of human life the goal to seek, forever seek, the kindred soul"- Jose Marti

Be your own Estrella Fugaz.

yea... THAT just happened.

2nd day of work... I thought I was that teacher in Dangerous Minds (aha! I'm old school, don't get it twisted... as I walk through the valley of the shadow...) anyjuey, these kids are angry. I wonder what it is that they see at home--- a lot of my sisters are social workers so I can't help but analyze-- but seriously, I was not an angry child. And I was bullied, as in I had even a song of me and I used to get hit in the face with the dodge ball... YEA. So what did Ms. Fanny do ? (that's what they call me) she put on her serious I am not kidding with you face, and we played some civilized Uno. haha yes, love it.

Along with my topic of being ok with what you can control...

CLOSURE
How do we get it? What exactly does it do for us?
I was thinking of this all day, on the train, walking through the streets of Harlem... and frankly, closure is not gained from talking to the other party. How does that make you feel better? By talking you are simply trying to find an option to the answer you already had when the dreadful thought of THE END came into your head. Closure is not gained because the other party clarified the big question mark that didn't let you sleep for days, oh no, closure is only gained when YOU are ready to accept the situation. The interaction with the other party is only going to do a combination of the following: give you more illusions, confuse you more, add on to the maybes you already created, make you angry, or simply make you feel like poop. You don't need that. Trust. And so, closure is yet another moment in time that is created by the soul... let the soul heal, and it will do just that.

Random Tuesday!

One of the younger girls about age 5 ran to my table crying bc she cut her finger, and I take out the first aid kit. I go to disinfect it first and my fellow counselor tells her oh its going to burn! she starts to cry... why do kids cry without knowing? I'm going to try that but with something good, like a candy. See if they cry.

I saw a man pushing another man in a shopping cart up a hill... ponder that.

I over heard a mother who had to be in her 30s tell her teenage daughter that she should eat McDonald's for lunch now that she had a new job... talk about - So that's why so many kids are obese before the age of 20.

Love. Mind. Body y Soul.

p.s. listen to A keys Wreckless love... If I could play an instrument I would go for the drums.

So how do you do fractions again?

First day of work! Shout out to everyone who text me saying good luck ( I felt like I was going into battle!) but ummm, DOPE. I get to work with six graders and they are smart, sarcastic and funny (little people I tell you). By nature I just learn through observing so I just watched them for a while (not in a creepy way) but just to see the different personalities in the group. I hope I'm not jinxing myself, but I really enjoyed it. I swear don't underestimate 11 year olds. I got to help a kid with his math homework, well it has never been my forte but lets just say I had to sit there and think about fractions... and, thankfully I am not that rusty. Go me!

Okay this week! I am starting to slowly work on my health and getting back in shape (gym tomorrow!), getting lazy is not an option. But seriously, this week I am working on being okay with the things that I can control --- doesn't make sense? well, if are not satisfied with a situation do something about it! There is ALWAYS a choice (I learned that from a movie, I forget which one)... but yea. STOP THE WAA and do it... make it happen' ! captn!

So, it seems to me that a lot of people are under the misconception that I am this super wild party girl... this makes me chuckle. I absolutely dislike people that judge, specially without knowing. Unless your name is lari, yuvs,daze,luz,jmo, or zuzu... then you don't know me. Yes you read the blog, thank you thank you, but you don't know me (know me)... anyjuey, my point is, no I am not a wild party girl. I have SUBSTANCE. Yes I am extremely social (i.e. any and all artistic events, festivals, get togethers) but that doesn't give anyone the right to put me in a box and categorize me... why do people do this? it is so annoying. Not everyone has one definition.
Think about that, the next time you want to grab a sharpie and write someone off.

Paz with some hair grasa.

Fan Star

Limon y sal......

Sunday. Don't you love Sundays? I met up with my Mj aka Yuvs. in Manjatan and went on a hunt for pants on sale ... haha, listen, I am NOT cheap at all, trust me. However, unless you are living under amethyst rock then you should be on my boat... the ---I need to be economically stable and not spend on unnecessary things- boat. Anywho, great finds.

Entonces fast forward to the evening. We got to sitting and talking, I swear this woman gives me so much perspective on life, so we spoke about (drum roll) relationships! tada! It was actually a continuation of another conversation we were having, and well it was quite enlightening. It gave me an idea for another chapter of the book I will start to write sometime this year.

I just want to share some of the things that were said through the conversation, and maybe you gals and boys can agree with us or maybe you wont... or maybe you will gain some new insight, or maybe you will cast us aside and think you know it all--- as many of us young people seem to think (oh the madness).

- Okay, all the guys you have dated (or girls) have ONE common factor, YOU. And so, maybe you need to evaluate yourself, because even if they approached you (as in kicked game etc) you still had to choose them right back. Entonces, take a closer look at these men, that's key. Yes you may be dating new people, but they are recycled. TRUST.
- When you are considerate you are taken for granted because you immediately become excessively available... and we all know, when you are always available you are no longer requested, you are simply expected... catch my drift?
- You know you are in a good place in your life when you can sit and discuss all the wrong moves you have made, all the disastrous dates you've been on, all the messy conversations you have had... and simply, LAUGH about it. Not to mention look forward to the many more stories to add to the equation. Oh and don't forget the most important thing... you must be ok with the realization of being single. (lovely! )


And so continuing with my 09 theme I am going to challenge myself to hang out at places outside of my norm... new people, new thoughts...

Ill leave ya'll with this excerpt from our convo:
Me: maybe love is not something that happens to you, mayb its a choice you make.
Mj: Oh no? what is love?
Me: love is crazy hard incomprehensible
Mj: and we yearn it bc?!
Me: well... its a feeling above all else.

Okay kiddies. I suppose to those who read my blog this may just not make sense. But it does to me. And at this moment in my life, the most important thing is that I'm finally beginning to be sure of who I am.

Carpe Diem.

FanStar
-

I have a Clone...

Oh man. Sit down, get some chips and a drink and read.

Early Friday night:

Me and my fellow Dream Team members go to this break dancing event in the Bronx Museum of Art (free), it was DOPE. They showed a preview to this bgirl indie film they are trying to make, then they had this panel of old school break dancers talking about the days when breaking was starting out and then it turned into this huge break dancing shinding. There were some great performers, even some girls threw down on the floor... me and my girl Lari Dari faked the funk--- as in, swaying and "pop and locking" hahah, don't I wish I could really break. There was a white boy that ripped it, not to mention he had an amazing body (snaps fingers) and there was this morenito who had some amazing isolation's... Jesus, shout out to all the dancers. I was in love.

After the D to the C to the L train:

Lari Dari, Ninja Eddie and myself go off into the night. This is what happened.

First stop was continental, this bar that has 5 shots for 10 bucks (yes broke ppl like cheap stuff), so Eddie gets in, Lari gets in... and then its my turn this is the convo.
Bouncer: THIS ISN'T YOU
me: Sir, what? of course that's me.
B: Take off your hat
me: ok...
B: nope this isn't you. Its not even the same hair.
(in my id my hair is curly)
me: sir, I blow out my hair ...
B: NOPE, ITS NOT EVEN THE SAME COLOR.
me:WHAT!? sir, I dyed it!!
(turns to the other bouncer)
B: you! you knowwwwwwwwwwwwww I'm a hair FREAK. This is not you. I saw the same girl Yaritza from Corona 5 months ago! this is not your i.d.

At this point I'm bugging I wanted to grab the concrete from underneath me and idk what...Lari dari comes out and is trying to make sense of the situation.

Lari: yes that's her, I can tell you her name and birthday. (obviously this didn't help)
Then this old fat "NYPD" takes my id and his like
NYPD: I've been a cop for 30 years, this id is no good.
me: WHAT?! THE STATE OF NY GAVE ME THIS ID. SHOULD I SEND IT BACK TO ALBANY?!
Lari: What exactly is not good about it?
NYPD: its no good.

Eddie comes out and takes us away bc it was just going to get ugly. I gained a new love for stupid bouncers and nypd, thank you THANK YOU.

Then the night got crazier. Down the block a guy got his sht rocked by a group of people, idk where the cop was at, we got a pizza for a dollar (holler), went to a bar 2 blocks away where we got 15 shots for 15 dollars (budget is a theme here), met up with Zuzu (luv thee future roommate), went back to the Monday spot which it turns out its actually better on Monday's, but Lari made friends with the bouncer (see they are not all jerks), he got us free drinks but I couldn't drink no more (yes I know my limits), and then I'll leave the story there... lets just say we got home in a cab safe.

Yes. After all this is my life.

FAN STAR <3>

Literatura...

My friend got me Cien anos de soledad, by Gabriel Garcia Marquez... nobel prize! In Spanish. As in SPANISH. I haven't read a Spanish novel since I was 17... but it goes with my 2009 theme, which is CHALLENGE YOURSELF. I started reading it, and so far, I'm loving it. I have to polish up on my vocab but regardless I am enjoying it.

I'm watching this movie, and the one thing that caught my attention and stuck around my mind was " energy is not lost nor destroyed its just transferred from one party to the next"... I knew this, but in the context that it was being used in the movie... it just made a lot of sense. So I decided to cut out all the negativity that is immediately affecting me, or at least I'm trying to.

I saw my good friend from Cali yesterday and can I just say that a good hug can go a long way, he just gave me an extra boost of (cheesy) energy! tadaaa.

Okay I'm organizing my closet and then the rest of my life... let us see.

Paz.

Fan Star

Poetry is Orgasmic...

I went to a "paint the mic" event last night, where artists wrote a poem about a piece of art that was up on the wall. Can I just say that spoken word is orgasmic? As in, better than sex, better than your mothers best made dish, better than a kiss from the person that gives you butterflies, better than a summer memory... because spoken word can paint all of that and more in someones imagination.

I went with one of the most amazing females that I've come to have a friendship with...(Dt!). Me and her were just snapping fingers, screaming preach! haha. I swear, we are cheap dates. Take us to a room where people want to share thoughts and we are half way in love with you. STIMULATE OUR MINDS. Alright, I'll share some of my fav quotes (yes, I'm a dork and I brought my journal with me).

"You are perfection, so claim it, created by God... all that exists is the all that exists"

"metaphysical relation to nature"

"we are all reflections of self"

"WHEN I'M BREAKING DOWN IN FRONT OF YOU, I'M REALLY REGAINING MY SANITY"

"Taking my mind into meditation just so I can hear my heart beat"

"Trusting ourselves to be OKAY with love"

"The universe is probability, and probability is possibility...that's what we are, possibilities"

"TRUE POETS ARE PROPHETS"

Mi gente. People think that words are just words, but they are so much more. Which is why you are only worth as much as your word, and if in my eyes your words carry no weight, then your value is less than the dollar.

Ended the night @ a spot that I wont even talk about because it felt like I should have been there light years ago. It looked like a place that myths are made of... I'm not even fkin with you. Ah my life. My life. MY LIFE.

p.s. there was a girl rocking a tank top that said " Be mindful even when your mind is full" by de la vega. I may not know him, but I love his sht. I swear I planned on seducing the chick and taking the tank top, someway, somehow. Then I realized it would be easier to just buy one. haha.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life...

Happy new year! Hay que loquera. Last night was great, as well as the after party during the wee hours of the morning. I wasn't in a large crowd of unknown people, which was dope. I enjoyed just having close friends around me. I have to toot my horn on the new years outfit, it was a surprising success. Bueno, I didn't have any new years resolutions, but rather goals... lets see if they happen.

Even though I didn't drink much (I know @ new years too) I am still tired... must be the 4 inch heels.

Con amor.

Fan Star