It's okay to look back

I tend to save conversations I've had with people, mainly because sometimes I need to rewind time and see what was happening at a particular moment in my life.

I found an email sent by my ex-boyfriend to me on 11/7/09...

"you said so much that registered with me last night, but one thing in particular was when you said something like "if nothing more you will at least remember for being nice" Yeah that's not verbatim, you didn't say "nice". But the point is you were living in the moment, and you were giving me you, you were not worried at all about the future, you were content with the fact that no matter what happens we will at least share this great memory. We will remember how fun, loving, warm, exciting, our experience was. Even if that experience only consisted of one special night.

I appreciate you. "

In romance nothing is guaranteed, just like in life. You never know when things will last or break apart, but whatever happens in the end... the important thing is that you remember that it's okay to look back. And it's also okay to feel good about what once was very important in your life.

Ms. Blanco

She's that girl

My best friend came over and we watched the entire 5th season of Sex and the City. Before that, she handed me an autographed copy of the book by the same title she had gotten for me... yes she is this awesome, and no I didn't ask for el book.

She's the friend that will hide behind a bush because you need moral support while breaking up with someone who is toxic for you... she's the friend that will remind you that you are awesome when you're feeling down... the friend who will support your crazy dreams, the one that sends you cards for Valentines days... the girl next door that will pick up the phone and will listen intently about the most corny insignificant story in the world... She's honest and sweet.

I swear everyone needs a friend like her...

Cheers to the girlfriends out there that become sisters in the long run.

Love you Daze!

Challenge Yourself

I like that I have friends who challenge my way of thinking and the way I process things. We all have different perspectives and move at our own pace in this life.

I think it's important to constantly strive to grow as a person, and others constructive criticism of you is necessary for this. But what I think is more important is that you sit and meditate, and recognize the things that you need to work on. Not for others, but because in the long run it will make you happy.

I recognize my faults as a young woman, and believe me I am trying every day to get a little better at this conscious adult thing...

I am not trying to reach perfection, as that is ridiculous. I am simply trying to be happy.

Love yourself! Others will follow...

dazed and confused

I feel like what I imagine Carrie felt when burger left her that post it...

Realize. Accept. Keep it moving'

Ms. M

Skip

I'd like to skip all the "you have to pay you're dues" and land on a stable not-so-scary place in my career...

I'd like to skip all the horrible dates, the games, the one day I like you so much and the next I'm going to take 6 hours to text back a simple "hello", and land at real-simple-tell it like it is- love...

Until then, there is hope and faith.

My face always gives away my emotions

Excited

To be back in my element and see how the rest of this year goes for me...

See you soon concrete jungles!

11 Days

I can't wait to be back in my city! I miss NYC so much it's really unexplainable. My nights of random moments with my close girlfriends, my mothers cooking, talks with my older cousin, the transferring of trains, my hair salon in Washington Heights, my favorite Thai spot in the LES, the sound of bachata blaring from someone's car, the people watching at Union Sq...

You truly learn to appreciate something precious when it has been removed from your life for a while... I'm glad I was away for six months. Perspective is key in life.

Real love...

This song makes me feel the same way Unthinkable by Akeys still makes me feel.

I look forward to being in love, real, passionate, supportive love. The kind that you know will get you through any day, the kind that wakes you up with a smile on your face and gives you this sense of hope for the future.

If you have that love with someone, cherish and cultivate it...

Misconceptions

I understand that through my facebook pictures I may look like one of those females who's only occupation is to throw on some heels and shake my rump, but it is not. Here are some facts about me since it seems there are some misconceptions out there...

1. Yes I do go out, but not as much as people think I do. It is all an illusion. I actually have a career that takes up a lot of my time, mental included. So although my profile picture may scream dancing socialite in reality I am a non-makeup, glasses on the face flats on the feet wearing woman.

2. Yes I date. I happen to attract all sorts of men. But no I don't sleep around. In fact I am the least likely to sleep around. I know, I know-- I have a dirty mouth and say all sorts of inappropriate things to my girls but when it comes down to it I don't have the lack of morals and emotional detachment that most men have to enjoy a couple of random nights with random tall black handsome built like a model strangers. And no, I am not saying I am a saint but what I am saying is exactly what I wrote above.

3. Yes I encourage dating, it helps a person get to know themselves. But I am a bigger fan of monogamous relationships, and so I encourage that as well.

4. Yes I do enjoy a free drink, but no I don't need anyone to buy me one. The first thing I do when I walk into a party is buy my own drink, and if I'm with friends I offer them one as well, and that's fine. I am not the gold digger type nor will I ever be. If you buy me a drink I'll probably end up buying you one as well. I'm not the girl who hangs by a table hoping for a free cup of something, I work hard so I can play hard.

At the end of the day, I don't pretend to be someone I am not. I am not the most connected nor am I the hottest commodity. I don't lead a lifestyle outside my salary bracket. I enjoy sexual gratification as much as the next person but I have wonderful will power and would rather wait for an exclusive partner. And although I do enjoy my life 95% of the time and can say that it is a sweet one, don't read so much into the pictures people... they're only 5% of my story.

I mean what I say, and I say what I mean.

YM

Remember!

For every person who doesn't want you, there are 10 who think you are more than fabulous.

Know your worth... walk tall with grace.

I laugh

At the men I've met over the past 11 years who mistake my humor and flirting (if that) for being naive... I know the game. I wrote a whole chapter about it.

Carry on.

Can't change

You can't change situations that already happened.

You can't change feelings that were hurt.

You can't change people and their behaviors.

But...

You can change how you view and handle life.

Change what doesn't work for YOU and keep what does.

evolving.

How much is that gold fish?

Everyone around me is either getting engaged or having a baby. Mainly having a baby. If you're having a baby congrats.

I could barely commit to a diet, imagine a child.

hmmm...

Maybe I'll get a gold fish.

Question for you

What do you define as happiness?

Where's the fast foward button...

I see what's going to happen and I have no way of changing it. Damn you human emotions and lack of super-powers. Out of all the men that desire me and wish for a chance at a relationship, the one I find myself most interested in does not seem to be on my page.

As per usual.

But, this doesn't mean I won't hold on to the good of the lessons that are to follow... thank you experience.

At the end of my day, men will come and go... I'd rather trip over a couple of stones now and enjoy a nice cold beer with my equal later.

Living.

As fate will have it...

I am moving back to NYC. Not because I couldn't make it out here in LA but because my career demands it...

How do I feel? Bittersweet to be exact.

I love NYC, no matter how much shit people may talk about my city, I will always love it. And I mean that deep, crazy, butterflies in your stomach, excited about it love. True never ending, non-judgemental love. I have a multitude of open arms at home waiting to give me that love that I hold very closely to my heart.

LA? Well, LA is like the guy you don't really want to date at first and end up catching feelings for. I've enjoyed my growing relationship with my sorors out here and my wonderful roommate. I've enjoyed being home 85% of the time and spending time with myself, figuring myself out in this new stage of my life. I've enjoyed my diverse co-workers who have embraced my crazy dry sarcastic humor... I've enjoyed the few dates I've had with some sweet men. The one's who managed to get through my "mean" demeanor made my time out here that much more memorable.

But, as fate will have it, as she always has it, I will be where I'm meant to be. And this time around is back to NY. I'm excited to return to my most faithful and lasting relationship (aside from the one I have with God), and that's the one I have with my city.

Cheers to what lays ahead...

Sigh

Just when the world started to seem more stable,

I find myself in the middle of an earthquake.

I keep repeating to myself...

Life only throws you what the universe knows you can handle

Stages

When we're in our teens we go through a height spur... I find myself in a mental and emotional one.

I just...

In romance, I take my risks. The worse that could happen is that

I have another lesson to add to my book.

Besides, someone out there is looking forward to someday

having me in their life...

Leaping.

A shift in the stars...

I've reached 25...

And I have so much to be grateful for...

I have my health, a flourishing career, an unbreakable support system and the guidance from God...

With age comes wisdom, even though I've always thought myself wiser than most people in my age bracket, but regardless these years have taught me plenty. Experience is the best teacher after all...

I've learned that you have to make moves for yourself, because sitting around and wishing for it wont make it come true. Be proactive about your happiness is my motto.

I've learned that real friendships will survive anything, even when you feel you've come to an end- a new leaf is turned.

I've learned that family is not just blood but it is also about a spiritual connection with others... those who truly understand me, and do not judge me. Those who question my logic and push me to better myself, those who give me a reality check when I'm out of line and who pick up my call no matter the time when I'm ready to cry. To those, I say thank you.

I've learned that in romance risks are meant to be taken. All the men I've been romantically involved with have taught me a lot. The emotional availability and understanding that I have come from those relationships... From the older men to the younger ones I've dated... the straight up assholes to the overwhelmingly loving... the fathers, the artists, the athletes...

A lesson from each has come to me. And for that I'm thankful, because the man who ends up being my partner will have an amazing devoted and pure love as his companion.

I've learned that I am now not just a woman learning to navigate through life as I inch closer on the bridge God is helping me build, but that I am also a woman who can impact other women who need a mentor and a voice to tell them that all is possible as long as you believe in your capabilities in this world. Believe in the power of YOU.

My girl Jmo asked me what I wished for this 25th year... I said growth and love. Growth in all aspects of my life. And love from family, friends, God and self... love from a man would be wonderful, but only when life feels I'm ready for it.

On this 25th year of life, I want to acknowledge and thank all those who have given me the unconditional love, positive energy and support. I would not be the woman I am today if it weren't for you.

It takes a village to raise a child...

Happy 25th to Me

End one chapter...

Sometimes you have to let go and let the universe catch you.

For men: How to not fk up...

Here are a list of things that men should NOT do if they want to keep a woman who is amazing...

• Don't act like your time is more important than hers, everyone has sht to do
• Don't do one thing at the start of a relationship and get lazy 3 months into it, if that is not you from the start then don't do it
• Don't get salty when something doesn't go your way and try to be indifferent, it comes off as you being an idiot and frankly it will backfire 9 out of 10 times
• Don't fk up multiple times (and you know how you fk up) and then when she ends things you want to hit her off with a text on how you miss her or if she misses you, a text is the bare minimum and therefor makes you a lazy mofo. Put in work if you want her.
• Don't ignore a text/call for days and then act like you didn't, again you look like an ahole
• If she communicates to you something that bothers her or that affects the relationship, acknowledge it and work on it, if you don't it makes you look like a man who does not listen nor cares
• Look up, memorize, remember and practice: RECIPROCATION

Just my 2 cents for the days as men who are making simple minded ahole mistakes seem to be a recurring theme this week.

XO

FanStar

ps- this only applies to men who have already established a relationship with the female, if she has never given you the time of day then find another one...

Waiting to Exhale

I'm going to pick up a copy of this novel, something keeps calling me to it... maybe it's the fact that they announced a sequel to the movie, or maybe it's because the title resonates with me so much...

Living in a new place comes with a lot of ups and downs. This move has affected me emotionally and mentally. I have days where I feel so happy I made this move, and others that make me wonder just exactly what was I thinking... but that's part of every major choice we make in life.

College, careers, love...

Everyday I wake up and I pray, and I pray every night too. Everyday I think of what I want out of life, and how I can maintain my happy healthy state of mind, body and soul.

I think that is the most important lesson I'm learning out here in LA, that maintaining that happy state is important. Whether it's at work, in your home, when you're sharing yourself with someone or simply when you're by yourself.

After all, there is only one of you and you have to deal with you for the rest of your life.

XO

Learning everyday

Today marks 5 years of being part of my sorority. I can't believe its been 5 years. I remember when I began my process, when I got my gear, the days I went above ground and was in Washington Heights giving greetings as people passed by and wondered what the fk was going on... and most of all I remember crossing and how amazing it felt to know I had accomplished something that many try and don't finish.

The truth is pledging taught me a lot, how to deal with difficult people, the meaning of solidarity, conditioning and discipline... I learned so much during those months, and I wouldn't change it for anything. It molded me in so many wonderful ways.

For that I'm thankful.

Happy 5 years to all my line sisters who earned their letters on this beautiful day!

I made it to a Month!

I can't believe its been a month since I've moved to LA! I am impressed with myself.

What can I say about LA? I live in Hollywood, so I live in what would be midtown in NYC. The main things are easily accessible to me through a walk or the metro-- don't get crazy and think its like the MTA. The trains here come every 10 minutes and don't take you to every corner of the land. However, I must say that the characters on the train out here are very entertaining. I've seen some crazy/funny things on my way to work... and have also heard some funny stories. Like a guy coming up to my co-worker, standing in front of her face and belting out "Imma buy you a drank" by T-pain. Could you imagine? She said it much funnier than this, so I am not giving it much justice.

I've seen the "I'm so Hollywood" people who have no reason to think so highly of themselves but do, and I have also had the chance to meet the sweet down to earth types who are just enjoying the sunny days. Being from NYC def helps me see right through the facade people wear like costumes out here... every day... But it's cool, to each their own right?

Work has been challenging but wonderful. I am learning so much more than I thought I would. It's nice to know I can bring much more to the table in my career for the future...goals, goals, goals...

My favorite part of this move (aside from a walk in closet) has been bonding with my roomie Nicole. At the moment we don't have a TV or Internet (reason why I have not blogged) and it has "forced" us to talk. HAHA. Not to say we are anti-social to each other, but more that we have used that to get to know each other better. I feel blessed to have someone who is as chill (funny, crazy and goofy) as I am with a good heart for a roomie... Because this could have easily gone down hill super fast.

Cali guys have 0 swag haha, well so far! Sorry Cali! We'll see though, I just started to explore... so stay tuned because I'm sure I'll have some funny stories to share.

To all those who show me love and send their support, thank you. It doesn't go unnoticed.

I encourage everyone to Dream Big, taking risks are not easy but they at least allow you to grow as a person... and growing is the most important part of life.

<3>

Welcome to the Land where sht gets interesting

It has been an interesting past three days in Los Angeles... I have experienced two extremes, and I am ready to stick to one... To put it in NYC terms I went from hanging in Soho to hanging in the projects in red hook... Bad. BUT! Funny! You always have to laugh at the things that come your way.

I am enjoying LA thus far, but I can't say I am in love with just 24 hours... I don't believe in love at first sight (shocker). The weather is def gorgeous, and as a person who has never worn shades (other than for fun)-- I will be buying a pair rather soon.

I already felt culture shock at its finest but I am embracing it... Cali has its own vibe and swag going on and I'm ready to consume it... without losing sight of my NYC'ness...

People are extremely nice, I've had random conversations with a bunch of individuals and none tried to get money from me nor were they trying to get my number... And some were white... lol Yea, I was a little shocked. No offense to my white people out there. Just never experienced that in midtown on a Thursday at 3 pm.

I am excited for the weekend, the Grammy's are here and I hope I get to sneak into a party! hehe. Just a fly on the wall...

Stay tuned much more to come...

<3>

dang

sometimes forgetting is a lot harder than I think.

City of Angels

2011 has officially started for me on the right foot. After an interesting 2010 with so many ups and downs and surprises I was blessed with an amazing opportunity right as 2010 was saying bye to all of us. New decade for the world means new chapter in my book.

I am very excited to announce my move from NYC, city of hustlers money makers and all that jazz, to LA-- where the temperature is sweet and one out of every six people is in a creative field... I see me growing artistically in endless ways.

A part of me is sad to pick up and have to "leave" my mom, family and friends... my dolls who make me want to be a better woman every day, my lower east side where I can walk for hours and be happy, my uptown where I am reminded why being part Dominican is awesome... But, when opportunity knocks you have to be ready and willing to open that door as fast as you can. One of my favorite quotes is by Salvador Dali and it reads "Life is too short to remain unnoticed," and these are words I live by.

I would be stealing myself from something great because of fear... and fear is simply not enough of a reason for me to do so...

So! Soon this East coast dope girl is going to make her mark out on the West side. Let's see if Katy Perry had it right (ironically enough I dressed up as her for Halloween).

Hello San Francisco, Malibu, three hour drive to Vegas, 1,000 musical, theater, dance, and performing groups, The LA Times, and of course Lakers. I'm ready. I'll be sure to document my experiences as I ride this wave.

XO

FanStar