Ah to Be Enlighten...

I've had an issue since I started dating, which was at the age of 14. That means 10 years of carrying this issue around. Although I was aware of this issue on a basic level, it wasn't until today after it was broken down to me by one of my dearest friends and confidants that I realized that this issue happens to also be my reason for the many unsuccessful relationships under my belt. I my friends, am guilty of: being in love with the idea of love & relationships.

This ideal has led me to lack a very important part of dating, that is the act of screening men properly... this is my aha! moment. I didn't even know what a screening process was until 20 minutes ago when I had to ask what was I doing wrong to attract these type of guys (these guys being the non-successful ones), after all the common factor is me. And although I am very aware of how awesome I am (not perfect, just awesome) there was still a missing piece-- or rather a VERY BIG one.

The screening process, if you're like me and didn't know what it was, is when you actually take your time to get to know someone past the superficial sht, the he opens my door pays for dinner and sent me flowers to work stuff... Yes, as my counselor (love u) said: thats nice and all but what about the other stuff? Aha! again.

See the other stuff, like he has mom issues, he gets angry quickly, he is jealous, he has children, he has a drinking problem, he is a chauvinistic pig who doesn't want me anywhere but the kitchen, his age ... yes, those factors. Those VERY BIG factors, that I have noticed from the BEGINNING and force myself to ignore because of my "ideal" have bitten me in the ass in the short run.

A good guy friend once told me: Fanny, when someone shows you who they are-- believe them. Plain and simple. Yes no one is perfect, and yes you have to know where to compromise... but no, you should not cast aside deal breakers. Learn from me, it is bad for business.

My past two boyfriends (three years in between each other) were emotionally draining. But one BIG comparison is that both were official (you're my boyfriend and I'm your girlfriend) after only one month. Yes, life has no time lines and everyone works differently, but no jumping into an official relationship with someone was not a healthy move. See, my "ideal" and I (which is partly rooted in the fact that my awesome mom is single and I'm quite scared of ending up alone-- bare with me here this is a breakthrough) have led me to create a pattern for myself which allows me to do the following: when I meet a guy I am immediately interested in and find beyond amazing I turn into "Fanny that wants a long lasting awesomely healthy and fun relationship" and put "Fanny who would quickly tell her best friend that her boy is psycho because of ABandC" behind a closed door, even if she is banging as loud as she can.

The truth is I focus so much on the positive that I overlook the obvious red flags. I have compromised myself many a times in numerous pseudo relationships, giving so much of myself so quickly that when I finally allow myself to recognize he wasn't a good match out loud I am utterly disappointed. It's like walking into the same diner every time knowing in the back of your head that they don't serve the food you like.

The good news is, that I have grown so much this year emotionally and spiritually that I not only recognize the red flags but I am also acknowledging them from the beginning. And today was probably the biggest moment of enlightenment for me.

From this moment forward I pledge to myself to have a screening process and to be conscious that although love and a relationship will be great, they are not fairy tales. They take time... way more than a few weeks.

Like she said: are you so quick to be best friends with females you meet? (my response was a shy no), then why do it with the men you date?

Aha... and all of a sudden the room is lit.

I hope this helps someone out there as it helped me...

MisUnderstood

Every night I pray for many things, and for myself I always ask for guidance. I am blessed to see that the one above has placed some amazingly honest womyn in my life that provide enough illumination as I continue to create my own.

Good

I'm feeling good.

Mind.

Body.

Soul.

Lets keep swimming... <3

It's Important

To go to the doctor regularly. It sucks that many of us can't get good health insurance, or affordable insurance for that matter. I guess this is a blessed time frame since I got some HI after over two years of not having any. God I was scared out of my mind waiting for all my results today...thankfully I'm healthy.

Get yourself checked, take care of yourself now so that when you're in your 60s you can run around with your grand kids and enjoy the rest of your life.

Make it happen. <3>

Angry

Am I the only one who's angry at this damn economy?

Am I the only one who feels lost?

Uncertainties have a way of chewing away your dreams.

A private school college degree.

A great resume for a 24 year old.

And still yet unemployed.

Thousands of dollars in debt.

Living at home.

Not enough space to feel at ease.

I feel like I'm mentally bugging out and I'm trying really hard to stop it. I'm the inspirational voice for many, the one who motivates peers to dream big and move forward. Slumps are just slumps. But today I am angry at this economy. And the fact that it makes me feel less capable because instead of being out there doing something useful for my community and self growth I am at home sending my resume. Massive amounts of times.

Excuse my anger, or perhaps it's just frustration.

I'm not a surfer, but I'm learning to ride this wave.

20 Years

20 years of existence

20 years of sisterhood

20 years of women beginning a process

20 years of women excelling in life

20 years of friendships that have grown into more than just

chapter meetings & programs

20 years of stories & support

To think that 20 years ago 13 women dared to DREAM BIG

and 20 years later their dream continues to build with each new member.

I'm sure my founding mothers did not think this far ahead,

but then again who would have.

I'm proud to be a SIA and to have earned my letters.

Even though I'm not involved as much as I was four years ago,

I am still very aware of the fact that I joined

The Best Hermandad

So to my sisters I say: S.U.E.I.

Since September 1990

Sometimes...

Sometimes I let slumps get to me. Things can't always have a high... what goes up must come down. I like to remember and be conscious of moments like this so that when I do succeed I can appreciate the things i have even more.

Today the sunshine reminded me that I have to be proactive about my happiness. After all I'm only 24, and I believe I just began to live.

<3>

turns

so many ups and downs and crossings and forks on the road.

wtf am I going to do with my life?

Hmmm. No final answer.

Unconventionally Sweet

I'm always trying to figure out how I could reinvent myself. A classic version of myself with a twist. A twist of lime with sugar on the side... hmm.

What do I want to be? Where do I want to be? Who do I want to be?

I honestly don't know yet. As I'm starting to build this thing to define it would be difficult and quite impossible.

Sometimes we get so caught up in trying to figure ourselves out that we forget to just live. In the now.

So last night, after some comfort food and prior to an inspiring conversation with an amazing man

I decided to ink a reminder on myself. An ideal of mine and a motto I don't want to ever forget.

I don't want to ever limit myself.

Or to live by other peoples rules (and I mean social rules) or standards.

What my closets friends might find risque or wild or ridiculously unconventional, I may see as normal.

I want to expose myself like undeveloped film, and see where life takes me.

Who knows, I might end up in the suburbs making cookies for my kids soccer team (yum!)

OR

I might end up traveling the world, and living off my backpack for the next 10 years.

Whatever it is I end up doing, where ever this thing takes me... I want to always remember to

DREAM BIG

The heart at the end symbolizes something bigger than just a cute symbol.

But lets just say they follow me, and are truly an omen whenever I'm doubting my place in this universe.

To the person who held my hand, and shared part of their journey with me. Thank you. There are two types of people in this world, the one's who overcome adversity and the one's who give up because of a cloudy day. Sometimes we are at the right place, at the right time. Sometimes it is what it is.

MisUnderstood

Dedicated to: Unconventionally Sweet

words

I love it when you're dating someone and they say all the right things, do all the right things, make you feel all the right things... got you calling friends to brag about the kiss, got you running around looking for the perfect outfit, got you wondering what is next... got you... got you... rewind.

Lets go back to the "say all the right things" part. I know we have no control over the future, or the way things end or the relationships that turn into friendships... but we do have control over our words. Why would you say things and then go back on your words. I like staying friends with those who were special to me at some point in time... and I'm learning that this can't always be the case. I just wish men would be more receptive and conscious of their words... words...that got you... got you... got you...

rewind.

Whether you like it or not, you are now part of my history...I'm my own narrator.

MisUnderstood. Recalling my past, so that I don't trip over the same stone twice in my present...

Pregnant...

The anticipation of my future is making me so anxious you'd think I'm going to give birth... I guess that's the irony since I'm pregnant with thought... but isn't that always the damn case? Hmmm.

So what is next? I'm border line contemplating buying a one way ticket to some place and just taking it from there, but then I think of the fact that this only works out for young pretty girls in movies. And although sometimes I swear I'm in a show (a la 'The Truman Show') I know it wouldn't be as easy nor as fun as that girl had it from Coyote Ugly...

Is not that I'm not willing to take the necessary risks, I'd love to move somewhere for a year and live an experience (like my girl Jmo) but I'm just trying to be logical. I picked up this logical thing at the beginning of this year when I realized I was quick to make executive decisions and then they would wait for me in that dark alley and kick my ass. And there is no sense in being jumped... ya'na'mean!?

I guess I just get really impatient with myself and where I think I should be at this moment in my life. I know I'm blessed and can't complain---so I am not.

I'm just experiencing some major contractions... so bare with me as I give birth to this thing called life.

((smile, its contagious))

MisUnderstood

My senses don't lie...

I'm in a transitional stage of life... I feel as if I'm running in place and someone is holding me by the back of my shirt, teasing me. I'm just waiting for fate to let me go so I can move forward with destiny.

The things I want are so close I can smell them. At the end of last year Love was on my mind 24/7, now its my career and my dreams of that apt. I can see my king size bed with white sheets and a million pillows waiting for me at night, I can see my wall of inspiration painted by one of my friends ready for my viewing pleasure every day I awake. I can smell the sweet scent of my sazon on the frying pan as I cook for my dinner party... I envision 10 candles lit around me as I take a bubble bath, drink a glass of red wine and listen to the soothing voice of Maxwell.

I hear my my phone ring at my desk and the sound of my voice answering, I see my De La Vega mug that reads "BECOME YOUR DREAM" steaming with my morning green tea. I can feel the keys of my mac underneath my finger tips as I come up with something creative... and if my creativity is lacking I can look up and see the photographs of my parents and friends smiling at me encouraging me to keep going...

If wants and needs self manifest, then let the visions of my very near future come true. Stability, liberty and the continuation of my #1 goal in life: HAPPINESS.

To that higher being, all I ask if for guidance.

Like a Phoenix I risse...

Utterly Surreal...

It was March, and I was having an anxiety attack at the thought of not knowing what was going to happen next in my life. My time at People en Espanol had come to an end and Univision had not called me back--after two interviews-- so my head was spinning, you would have thought I had a hang over.

And then I get an email back from Ms. Gardner telling me there might be a position for me at the NYILFF, except the decision was up to the new Managing Director- Ms. Bravo. I was nervous --not going to lie, after all I had done my research and Ms. Bravo's resume was more than impressive. But when things are meant to be the road magically opens, and here I am ready to share with you my experience with the NYILFF.

From the beginning I knew it would be an amazing experience, my first conversations with Liz & Tanya were filled with laughter and story telling. One by one the staff walked into our cubicle space, and one by one I fell in love with their personalities and welcoming auras. I knew I was not just another employee, I new I was part of a team... and now I know I was actually part of a family.

From Tanya's requests at 90 mph (which I caught by the way, I'm amazing at multi-tasking), to my on going wit battle with Juan, there was never---and I mean never a dull moment in that office.

I had Aneudy to beat up (I know you loved it amiguito), Calixto to walk in and say something fabulous, Carmen to share her goodies (and by that I mean the tons of food/candy she brought in... I declined but maybe I shouldn't have haha), Sonia to steal my desk when I had just gone to the bathroom, Lyndon to tell me "you don't have to worry about that, I got this" (and he did), and Liz to be the encourager-- never did I go home without her saying " Thank you!" or "Great job you rock!"

Where else do you get such amazing support and love and honesty? Only at NYILFF.

The Festival came and went and I'm going through major withdrawal. I miss waking up to Carmen's laugh and Tanya's "GIRLS GIRLS WE HAVE A CALL WAKE UP!"... to Aneudy's "Yall want breakfast?" and Liz's "You guys are killing me over here..." when we were running late (SORRY!)... I'm missing April from SKA telling me exactly where whatever was when I called her asking for xyz (you're beyond amazing)...I'm missing Jessica's & Oscar's excitement to be interviewing people (thumbs up to you two), Sasha's magical fingers taking pictures and uploading them on to our Twitter for the followers to see...I'm missing the gazillion flashes from the gazillion photos we took on the green/red carpet, The Cell-- where during the day we were printing lists like mad women and at night we were down stairs talking up a storm and sharing stories. I miss the fact that we had no idea of time, and yet we were looking forward to the next day.

Every day ran as smooth as a river, every day the after parties were beautiful and well executed, every day I saw my family with a smile on their face-- no matter how much running around they had done since the morning.

I am beyond thankful to have met, worked and grown with such an awesome group of individuals who just wanted one thing: An unforgettable festival.

And you know what, from the way I'm feeling right now, I say mission accomplished.

Until next year.

Loving the NYILFF Team of 2010.

Como una estrella fugaz...

FanStar

And then it hit me...

Mental break. That's what I was doing. And then there it was, a picture of my ex with a girl. I'm not one to go looking for things--- because if you're looking you shall find, and frankly I just don't care nor do I want to know. But this, this was not just a regular picture, this was romance on my screen... and I knew, right there and then that this was a new love.

I'm going to wear my heart on my sleeve now...

Slap. Punch. Kick. I felt like I had just gotten jumped on a shady street. My first love broke my heart... and now he has a new girlfriend. I don't hold grudges and I don't wish bad upon new love, never... but understand we parted ways because he didn't have time for a relationship, and weeks later he was on to the next one.

I'm not playing the victim, I'm just shocked. I trusted someone with my emotions, something hard for me to do-- maybe its because of the whole absent daddy thing--- and I forgot how vulnerable I can truly be.

Made me step back and wonder if there was something wrong with me, but I stopped that thought quick... there is nothing wrong with me. We were just the wrong match, hopefully his new love is the right one.

I just wish he would have been more honest, because at least then I would have walked on the opposite side of that shady street, where the whole block was lit.

And so I shed.

MisUnderstood.

Pre-Festival

The Festival officially kicks off tomorrow and I am super excited! What an experience to be a part of something so big! Yes? yes......totally!

Today we had the El Espiritu de la Salsa event at 135th st and St. Nich... it was a great turn out! People were enjoying the live salsa band, some lady killed it on the "dance floor"--- made me want to run and dance ( I did, but in place)... ahem.

I loved the vibe everyone was giving off, it was a great way to start my week.

So here is to a great week, to a wonderful staff that keeps it real (at all times), here is to a new adventure I get to tell my grandkids about, to new stories I get to write about, and to whatever is coming next in my life...

I pray for guidance... embracing my present while awaiting my future.

En paz.

FanStar.

Laugh with me...

Let me share my summer dating thus far, maybe you learn something new from it or perhaps you laugh it off as I've been doing... I'll give cliff notes.

There was white boy with swag, totally dope on so many levels. We could talk for hours about basketball or the discovery channel. He was into random events and didn't mind my Erykah Badu-ness.... and then there was his ex. Who was not really an ex, yet she was... but no wait, she wasnt... so what was it?

(File under: Pseudo Connection)

Then there was the Puerto Rican, totally opposite from the other Puerto Rican. Maybe thats why I was attracted to him... hmmm. Tough on the outside sweet behind curtains. I still don't understand why it is men like to pretend to be anything but real... Aspiring emcee, angry about something or the other--I forget... He didn't understand why I liked all things to be positive but learned to roll with my hippie-ness...(Shifty Eyes) I'll blame it on my weakness for that accent.

(File under: It happens)

There was also the date that spoke about gas,vomiting and poop during dinner (hmmm classy)... there was the one who went from being sweet and funny to loud obnoxious and vulgar in a matter of 20 minutes (this was at a diner, with another couple---I love live novelas, don't you?)... we had the cheap one who complained about everything in sight (in particular at an event he invited himself to... ) and the "wtf just happened" continues--trust...

I've had the short, the bald, the tall the conceited, the mean the confused the overly emotional (for all the wrong reasons), the too comfortable too soon, the I think I know it all so don't dare challenge me, the past lovers who are trying to make a comeback, the obviously lying... and they are all emotionally unavailable. (laugh with me)

I'm not complaining, trust me I am better off than plenty of women my age... but, just laugh with me...

I'll share a recent encounter, which was very ironic.

Last week as I'm getting ready to meet up with some of my favorite women, my two aunts and mother are having a conversation on men (yap yap yap women need new topics--haha look @ me with this blog, hush! and read). So they're discussing the different benefits of dating white, black and latino men. I wont get into details because the conversation was borderline hysterical and a tad offensive (plus I can't share all they say, I won't be allowed back into the triangle of trust)... Entonces, at the end of the conversation my 2 cents were that it doesn't matter what race nor what nationality or shade of color the man is, it boils down to his education/manners/life stage/respect for females... etc etc etc.

Fast forward to the evening, I find myself at this restaurant in midtown with my girlfriends. Good vibes are all in the air and by the end of the night a conversation is sparked between myself and a very handsome tall well established Irish/English man---however in his words, he was the "ultimate white boy"... ok.

Conversation is great (check). Humor is wonderful (check). Attraction (check, check, check). All was well in cupids eyes, contact information was exchanged and then the end.... right? NOT quite. The "ultimate white boy" decided to continue the conversation through text, and within the first 10 minutes of the conversation he asked me to join him back at his place (and thats me putting it in a sweet way), I of course declined multiple times (yes, multiple).

The moral of my story is, it doesn't matter that he was white and well off, his class was lacking. At no point did I give the hint or the green light that I wanted to go home with him. Not even my outfit was inviting. Like my MJ told me, "men have one formula and they apply it across the board, unfortunately it will work on one girl more than once"... I'm not saying white men are scumbags, I am saying that all men are capable of being it.

Haci que, ojo! Watch yourself ladies! And men, same goes for you... I see the vultures with their claws out all the time... Hay mi madre, que generacion.

In good humor (and honesty)...

FanStar

All I think about...

Is the two goals I have for this year....

Paciensia y fe.

Gnite Universe.

Fireworks...

This Drake song feat Ms. Akeys has been going off in my head like fireworks themselves. So much going on right now and yet so much more that needs to happen, that I want to make happen, that WILL happen.

The NY International Latino Film Festival is coming to a closing-- or rather officially took flight this past week. I feel like it's my last month at Marist and I have a gazillion things to do, everything demands my attention... including my future and what moves I'll make next.

I'm super excited about the festival though, I'm excited to be part of such a great team. Talented people who are making such a huge event happen from their laptops and cubicles. I swear its like brewing magic... the stuff fireworks is made of. I have to say I'm thankful for the opportunity, because experience is the best teacher--- and it doesn't get better than this... especially at just 24.

I'm curious about where I'll be this fall, but I sure hope it's in a sweet sweet place. I'm ready for this next stage of my life, mentally, emotionally... spiritually... all those things simultaneously setting off in my mind... like fireworks.

I'm looking forward to a break from the NYC hectic-ness, by that I mean La Isla del Encanto con mi mejor amiga Daisy Z. Looking forward to laying back, I hope I find a hammock (you know me, I'm a hammock lover)... I look forward to relaxing, and not having my next few weekends planned (which I do)... I just want to stop, freeze and take it all in... like fireworks on a dark summer sky.

I've been super romantic lately. Someone asked me if I was in love again, I had to chuckle. Not at all, but then again I've always been in love with LOVE and will continue to be... Why not? It is part of me, like the skin on my bones and the smile beneath my lips... I'm just happy.

FanStar...

I'm thinking of a master plan, after all thoughts are more powerful than anything I know of.

Please Don't (Let Me Be) MsUnderstood

There really is no easy way to deal with death. Just saying the word out loud makes the whole room go silent. People scatter or pat you on the back and give you this pitiful look with their eyes, as if they just lost their puppy at the park.

It has got to be one of the most confusing emotions to deal with, because there are too many emotions at once. One minute I'm smiling laughing the next I want to cry uncontrollably. But mainly I just want to be alone. At peace. Without the pity look or the pat on the back. If I'm going to be around people I want it to be normal. Not with everyone walking on egg shells as if doing anything but sitting in a room dressed in black crying is out of the question. And because of that, these emotions are also extremely awkward.

These emotions are also frustrating because I'm Latina. Latino families like to be together at times like this, all at once grieving. If you decide to separate yourself from the pack you are either being disrespectful or just wrong. That's so frustrating. I don't want to be with the group, I want to be with me myself and I. I don't want to be told how to feel or act. I don't want to go to church and light a candle- I'm not a church goer and that's just being a hypocrite on my behalf... why can't I just light a candle at home? If it's not lit at church my cousin wont see it from heaven?! Why can't I just pray as I walk through the park? Why can't I just do this on my own terms...

Being Latina at times like this makes me wonder who made up all these rules and why if they aren't followed it feels like you are a little less Latina than the rest.

I acknowledge death and that it is a part of life... but like someone told me it is only temporary. I will see my cousin again. I will see my friend Jose (may he RIP) and my uncle (may he RIP as well) again...so let me just BE.

No more explanations, no more 21 questions, no more rules, JUST LET ME BE.

FanStar

Tears dry on their own...

I got the news this am through facebook (go figure fb is officially bearer of all news). Mami found out at five am but didn't want to tell me. I was leaving my house for an event I'm writing a story on. I had to brush off my tears and catch the train.

I amaze myself on how strong I can be emotionally, how much I can endure without throwing it on other people around me.

I didn't run to anyone, except for John Mayer... he soothed me for the rest of my day. I wish I was in the middle of a large crowd sitting with everyone's voices drowning the one in my head out... I wish I was sitting by the beach with nothing but the waves to speak to... Anywhere but here.

My closest friends offer their comforting space and love, and yet I wish I had one strong man to just hold me, to tell me everything is going to be okay... I call that stupid woman syndrome. Out of sight, out of mind.

I wonder how I'll leave my physical form, if I'll come back or choose to stay in the spirit world. I wonder who will shed tears for me, and where they will be when they hear the news. I wonder who will miss me for a brief moment and who will miss me the rest of their life. I never question the one above, but that doesn't mean I always understand her.

First I lost love. And now I lose a piece of my family. I can't take much more losing... 2010 is one hell of a year, both great and sad.

Riding this wave...

R.I.P. Prandy Nova, Love You Cousin... <3

How do you cope?

Summer is picking up...

I am getting so many amazing opportunities to enrich my career. Extremely happy people want to give me a helping hand and keep me in mind for projects. Lets see where I'm at this time next year. Hopefully still moving to the beat of my own guitar.

Rough time for my family at the moment... but I'm not sure on how to go about in coping with things. So I keep myself busy and try to be my own cheerleader. Except that when you leave me to my thoughts for more than a second I start to think about the current sadness that wants to invoke my body. I feel a bit selfish for not wanting to be home around them, I'd rather be at Union Square watching some guy do backflips. I guess thats my way of coping. Talking to random strangers, or mentioning it briefly to a close friend. When it all goes down I wonder who it is I'll run to for a hug... because at the end of the day I just want to be held and not spoken to. I think the tears will say it all.

Life is so short, which is why I try to make my mark every day. Even if its making someone smile, or just with my blog. My words are a piece of my history. My story.

Best way to put it...

Dory: Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do?
Marlin: No I don't wanna know.
Dory: [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.

FanStar

p.s. I'm not asking for an aww or pity pats, just throwing emotions out into the world. I know I'm not the only one.

Prince charming

Summer dating officially kicked off for me this May and although I am all for mourning the ending of a relationship, I am also all for jumping back in the water and seeing what the weather throws my way.

The Gods must be feeling rather humorous because the guys I'm attracting are as weird as this weather (although lately I've seen sunny skies so maybe things will shape up). It is astonishing at how I am completely detached emotionally from the guys that have come my way (not even a spark). I officially have A.D.F.D. (Attention Deficit For Dudes). None, with the exception of one (whom I'd like to keep as a friend because he has more than just a sneaker collection to offer) have kept my attention.

I find myself zoning out in the middle of dinners. Thinking of a master plan to escape from the usual boring conversations. Ain't that horrible? And yet I am glad for all these one hit wonder dates. I'm picking up on the many red flags guys come with ("I have a bad temper" "I don't make much money but love expensive things" "I drink a couple of beers every day" "I don't believe in love" "I'm still in love with my ex")-- Listening to my head tell me "ALERT", and running as fast as I can the opposite direction.

Truth is as much as I am enjoying being single at the moment, I truly miss the connection I had with my ex boyfriend. This does not mean I miss him. This means I miss the way I felt, the way it felt. The way I got excited right before we met up, the way we could talk about anything and it always had substance and left me with this awesome feeling the world was balanced right there and there, the way I already had a daydream to jump to when taking the train which could entertain me for hours, the simplicity of knowing that I didn't have to impress him because the way he looked at me told me what he thought of me.

I miss that initial connection, where we couldn't get enough of each other. The fact that I had someone I could do anything with--- from being silly to supporting each others dreams.

And although I am simply laughing all these dates off... I def feel like Prince Charming walking around with a glass slipper, waiting for the right fit.

Hmmm... and the journey continues.

Caught in the Matrix

May flew by me like a dude speeding on his bike. I’m still shocked that it is June and half of 2010 is over. I bet many of you didn’t put that into perspective yet. But this is the downfall of my mind, always analyzing the most random things. So, this weekend marked the end of May (best month of the year btw) and the beginning of the summer for most NYC heads.

The past few days put me out of my comfort zone since I usually have big weekends planned. But not this time around... I just went with the flow. Literally.

I got to see old friends--shout out to JJ who was a great host Sat. night and really took care of my girl and I. Lerve you!

I also had the opportunity to bury the hatch and start anew with someone whom I had miscommunication with. Sometimes my words get lost in translation, and my pride may set me back a while before I can fully move on from a situation. However, it felt good to hug it out and enjoy the night. I tell you, what being put on the spot does for the soul is priceless (and shout out to Noelle as well, we hugged it out @ Lorris wedding). I suppose May was the month of forgiving and forgetting.

Back to my weekend... I feel like I was caught in a vortex. So much happened that I didn’t fully process what was going on until a day after it did. As if I were an old PC still loading a page... or more like information overload.

Sunday brought me to a wake up bbm from a fellow friend telling me to get up and go, the sun was out. After some wrestling in bed, Hot 97 on blast and a much needed cold shower I went off on an adventure. I had a starting point (thanks to FB-Knower of all) and an accomplice (Big Shout out to Quimster the 1 hitter Quitter).

As I waited for Q to come through on 158 st and Broadway I was pleasantly harrassed by two guys who only seemed to know two phrases: “Real Talk” and “Imma keep it 100”------- Insert -_- face here. I don’t understand why people can’t just talk like normal human beings. Not everything has to sound like dialogue off of a Dipset video.

Regardless the fun went on, and as Q and I made our way into Riverside Park I realized this wasn’t your 15 friends getting together for a quick bbq type of bbq.

The event was called the 40oz Bounce and there were at least 200 people there. It was impressing (and I’m hard to impress). I had in front of me the outcome of an event invite gone viral on the web. The power of social media blows my mind every day. Although the DJ was dope, and the mood was right- No one was dancing (except for this tall red head of course). A lot of cool heads, but too many posers. Sadly enough many people looked the same, and although I’m all for dope style and a guy with a sleeve (tat) I’m def not excited about clones. But! Again! The trend setters set it off and every follower needs a leader... Still, I was simply amazed at the massive crowd. Shout out to the NYPD for killing the fun, you fellers sure know how to meet your quota (Thumbs Up).

My Sunday didn’t end there.... there was me bumping into one of my bosses, passing by a movie set (where my last boss/mentor was at--shout out to Rachel!), ending up in the village with Q, talking love (never fails when alcohol is involved), meeting up with friends from LI and having a random drunk guy point at me and tell my friend: “All the girls here are ugly” (LMAO) At which point I turned and said: Why is he pointing at me!? My friend tells him: “Oh yea? Thats my girl” and the random drunk guy tells him: “Except for her, she’s hot”...... I couldn’t stop laughing. I would have probably responded the same way being that my friend is 6’3. Nice. I love unforgettable sound bites.

Monday should have been a holy day left for rest, but my feet took me to dinner--where I was asked why I was alone? I didn’t realize eating alone was a problem. Next time I’ll bring my imaginary friend Nando.

There is much more in between but some is R rated and other things I’d like to just not have in writing...So.... Cheers to June. I hope you’re as wild and out of context as Memorial Day Weekend 2010 was for me.

Pa’lante como el elefante!

Fan Star

Check out a Video from Sunday's event

I can't stand the rain...

A cloud of sadness decided to park on my families drive way. I'm not great at dealing with such things. I deal with it in two ways. One is keeping busy, and two is by spending time with myself. This moment of truth, caught us off guard. I'm not understanding why it is that its happening, I'm not comprehending much if anything at all. Interestingly enough, I found comfort in a stranger. I suppose sometimes it is easier to be vulnerable with someone you don't know...I suppose.

I'm afraid I'm coming off selfish to my family, and it is not that I'm not feeling the pain as they are. It's just that I will/am approaching this cloud much differently. As they all sit inside the living room, occasionally looking outside the window checking to see if it decided to go away, I put on my rain coat and boots-- hold on to my toughest umbrella and step outside our door.

This doesn't mean that I am not accepting the circumstance that we find ourselves in... or that I am unfazed. But I trust in the one above, and if this is part of his plan I will not fight it. Embrace. Unravel. Understand.

All these things I'm doing while crossing this bridge.

MsUnderstood...

For the record

My heart is under construction
Trynna apply a few new things
Concept meeting emotion
Learning to build a cold surface
So detached is how ill function

I'm not interested in you long term
I'm not trynna wife you up
No subliminal messages
Cus' my his just mean wassup

Only want superficial connections
And I still haven't mentioned
The way that this will be
Rule #1
Don't expect any real love from me

I don't have time to be G'd up
So save your lines for
Simple minded hoes
Spray them w/ words like you do to grass w/ your hose
Wine and dine me cus I'm fine
But a dap or a pound is what you'll get for the night
If you get mad, find someone else to fight

Call me distant if you may
But whatever is all I'll say
So don't mind me, enjoy your day


This aint a front
This aint a gimmick
At arms length, that is your limit
Take it or leave it

But always remember that I'm ...
Known to many
A Friend to few
A lover to barely any, especially to you.

Reminders

These past three weeks have been an emotional rain storm that has begun to fade away. I've evaluated myself emotionally from every angle I could think of. Tried to see myself in a different way after Uv posed the question of what type of emotional pattern I have, and how healthy it is. Most people have dating patterns, meaning their partners tend to have some/many of the same traits. This is not the case for me. However, I happen to have an emotional pattern. Which is not up for discussion just yet --- still inspecting it.

I want to share a little story of how far I've come in dating and how thankful I am for the person it has made me. Two years ago I went out with a guy notoriously known for being many things, and being a good boyfriend was not one of them. But like most lessons in life-- all come with experience. Hands on.

I'll keep this short. The relationship turned toxic rather quickly, and although I knew it was not a great situation I stuck it out. Ah something about believing you can change a person (laughs). By the end of that summer we had a trip to Florida, to meet some of his family. Two days prior to the trip, he breaks up with me. But! the trip could not be cancelled. All was booked, the family was anticipating our arrival. Some of you might think I'm the biggest idiot for going on the trip, but don't judge. When you care about someone you can be very foolish and not even notice it. Anyway, we return from our trip and I am totally devastated. For a week I took all our pictures from Florida and made a scrapbook--- hey, I cope w arts & crafts you cope with liquor, lets move on... A week later, the guy begs me to get back with him, I say yes (foolish moment #2) and a month later after realizing that this was simply not a good look for me, I ended things.

Now, that is the basic ending to the story. I would like to elaborate on the parts where he was emotional, controlling AND had the most ridiculously CRAZY psychotic ex girlfriend evil has managed to birth. But I'll save that for my book.

When this boy broke up with me, I thought I was never going to meet someone like him again. But, I DID. And better. And while being single and living the life of a 20 year old for the past two years, I forgot about that lesson. Until today.

Today I found the scrapbook I made of us in Florida. As I looked through the photos and read all the side comments, I kept thinking: WOW, here I was. And here I am today.

I am thankful that I went against the grain and dated that boy. He taught me early on what a dysfunctional and emotionally unhealthy relationship looks like. Why ex girlfriends, if still mentioned are a huge red flag. Why men should not be unfinished projects for me to finish.

I'm thankful I recognized all of the things in a crappy union early on that some women/men take years to realize/never do (and managed not to allow them to repeat again). I'm thankful I didn't try to change myself from a sweetheart to a btch---just because. Yes, I became more protective of my heart, but that was only fair. A lot less foolish indeed.

So yes! move with caution when approaching the jungle that the dating world is. Yes! be courageous enough to take a leap and say fk it when you meet someone you think might "Just, Be, It". Yes! brace yourself for the end of it all---Break ups aren't usually fun nor easy (with the exception of a few). And YES!... look forward to the fact that it will all happen again.

Learn. Live. BE.

MsUnderstood.

It's now or never

I read somewhere you should do something that scares the sht out of you every day. I suppose in simple terms that means to take a risk. Risks are tricky, there is no real grey area with them. Either you land on your feet or your ass. However yesterday I did something completely spontaneous --in the sense that I didn't think I'd actually go through with it. I'm all for living in the moment and making a memory, but this wasn't the type of thing to just do casually on a rainy Sunday evening.

For years I've been back and forth on the idea of getting some ink on my body. Never did I like something long enough that I felt I could live with it for the rest of my life. A tattoo is an extension of your being, and it should really say something about you. Which is why I had not taken the plunge. But lately with all the things swirling around my existence, with me continuing to create myself, to DEFINE myself--- I started to really think about what I'd like. And interestingly enough, it was always in front of me. My mantra.

So, Sunday evening my best friend since I was 14 years old, takes a random/not so random trip with me to this Tattoo Shop in Brooklyn. As soon as I step off the train, I feel like I am home. I'm not sure why I always feel like I am home when I'm in Brooklyn. But it was a good feeling---Something was in the air. I had been told about Mistah Metro through a previous conversation and decided to follow up with him after researching his art (the power of google I tell ya). I expected a rude nonchalant artist annoyed at my half nervous/half bubbly personality. And here I found a laid back, welcoming being. Awesometastic? Without a doubt. The shop was spotless, the fellows that work there were amazing to talk to and eased the anticipation. This was already turning out to be the opposite of what I expected.

The best part of the whole thing was that I was with Daisy. She kept me busy with talk while Metro went ahead and worked his magic. She held my hand while I absorbed the ink from his pen.

The result: A very happy red head with a word that will take her through life and back. My tat says Maktub in arabic: Meaning ::It is written:: For those of you familiar with The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho that is where I got it from. I believe in destiny, in fate. In the soul of the universe conspiring in my favor. I believe that I have many roads ahead of me and that the one's I choose to set foot on will be simply unforgettable

Like a Phoenix I rise. An old gypsy soul, with a three year olds spirit.

MisUnderstood

Shop Info:

Jaz Tattoo

Mistah Metro