Please Don't (Let Me Be) MsUnderstood

There really is no easy way to deal with death. Just saying the word out loud makes the whole room go silent. People scatter or pat you on the back and give you this pitiful look with their eyes, as if they just lost their puppy at the park.

It has got to be one of the most confusing emotions to deal with, because there are too many emotions at once. One minute I'm smiling laughing the next I want to cry uncontrollably. But mainly I just want to be alone. At peace. Without the pity look or the pat on the back. If I'm going to be around people I want it to be normal. Not with everyone walking on egg shells as if doing anything but sitting in a room dressed in black crying is out of the question. And because of that, these emotions are also extremely awkward.

These emotions are also frustrating because I'm Latina. Latino families like to be together at times like this, all at once grieving. If you decide to separate yourself from the pack you are either being disrespectful or just wrong. That's so frustrating. I don't want to be with the group, I want to be with me myself and I. I don't want to be told how to feel or act. I don't want to go to church and light a candle- I'm not a church goer and that's just being a hypocrite on my behalf... why can't I just light a candle at home? If it's not lit at church my cousin wont see it from heaven?! Why can't I just pray as I walk through the park? Why can't I just do this on my own terms...

Being Latina at times like this makes me wonder who made up all these rules and why if they aren't followed it feels like you are a little less Latina than the rest.

I acknowledge death and that it is a part of life... but like someone told me it is only temporary. I will see my cousin again. I will see my friend Jose (may he RIP) and my uncle (may he RIP as well) again...so let me just BE.

No more explanations, no more 21 questions, no more rules, JUST LET ME BE.

FanStar

Tears dry on their own...

I got the news this am through facebook (go figure fb is officially bearer of all news). Mami found out at five am but didn't want to tell me. I was leaving my house for an event I'm writing a story on. I had to brush off my tears and catch the train.

I amaze myself on how strong I can be emotionally, how much I can endure without throwing it on other people around me.

I didn't run to anyone, except for John Mayer... he soothed me for the rest of my day. I wish I was in the middle of a large crowd sitting with everyone's voices drowning the one in my head out... I wish I was sitting by the beach with nothing but the waves to speak to... Anywhere but here.

My closest friends offer their comforting space and love, and yet I wish I had one strong man to just hold me, to tell me everything is going to be okay... I call that stupid woman syndrome. Out of sight, out of mind.

I wonder how I'll leave my physical form, if I'll come back or choose to stay in the spirit world. I wonder who will shed tears for me, and where they will be when they hear the news. I wonder who will miss me for a brief moment and who will miss me the rest of their life. I never question the one above, but that doesn't mean I always understand her.

First I lost love. And now I lose a piece of my family. I can't take much more losing... 2010 is one hell of a year, both great and sad.

Riding this wave...

R.I.P. Prandy Nova, Love You Cousin... <3

How do you cope?

Summer is picking up...

I am getting so many amazing opportunities to enrich my career. Extremely happy people want to give me a helping hand and keep me in mind for projects. Lets see where I'm at this time next year. Hopefully still moving to the beat of my own guitar.

Rough time for my family at the moment... but I'm not sure on how to go about in coping with things. So I keep myself busy and try to be my own cheerleader. Except that when you leave me to my thoughts for more than a second I start to think about the current sadness that wants to invoke my body. I feel a bit selfish for not wanting to be home around them, I'd rather be at Union Square watching some guy do backflips. I guess thats my way of coping. Talking to random strangers, or mentioning it briefly to a close friend. When it all goes down I wonder who it is I'll run to for a hug... because at the end of the day I just want to be held and not spoken to. I think the tears will say it all.

Life is so short, which is why I try to make my mark every day. Even if its making someone smile, or just with my blog. My words are a piece of my history. My story.

Best way to put it...

Dory: Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do?
Marlin: No I don't wanna know.
Dory: [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.

FanStar

p.s. I'm not asking for an aww or pity pats, just throwing emotions out into the world. I know I'm not the only one.

Prince charming

Summer dating officially kicked off for me this May and although I am all for mourning the ending of a relationship, I am also all for jumping back in the water and seeing what the weather throws my way.

The Gods must be feeling rather humorous because the guys I'm attracting are as weird as this weather (although lately I've seen sunny skies so maybe things will shape up). It is astonishing at how I am completely detached emotionally from the guys that have come my way (not even a spark). I officially have A.D.F.D. (Attention Deficit For Dudes). None, with the exception of one (whom I'd like to keep as a friend because he has more than just a sneaker collection to offer) have kept my attention.

I find myself zoning out in the middle of dinners. Thinking of a master plan to escape from the usual boring conversations. Ain't that horrible? And yet I am glad for all these one hit wonder dates. I'm picking up on the many red flags guys come with ("I have a bad temper" "I don't make much money but love expensive things" "I drink a couple of beers every day" "I don't believe in love" "I'm still in love with my ex")-- Listening to my head tell me "ALERT", and running as fast as I can the opposite direction.

Truth is as much as I am enjoying being single at the moment, I truly miss the connection I had with my ex boyfriend. This does not mean I miss him. This means I miss the way I felt, the way it felt. The way I got excited right before we met up, the way we could talk about anything and it always had substance and left me with this awesome feeling the world was balanced right there and there, the way I already had a daydream to jump to when taking the train which could entertain me for hours, the simplicity of knowing that I didn't have to impress him because the way he looked at me told me what he thought of me.

I miss that initial connection, where we couldn't get enough of each other. The fact that I had someone I could do anything with--- from being silly to supporting each others dreams.

And although I am simply laughing all these dates off... I def feel like Prince Charming walking around with a glass slipper, waiting for the right fit.

Hmmm... and the journey continues.

Caught in the Matrix

May flew by me like a dude speeding on his bike. I’m still shocked that it is June and half of 2010 is over. I bet many of you didn’t put that into perspective yet. But this is the downfall of my mind, always analyzing the most random things. So, this weekend marked the end of May (best month of the year btw) and the beginning of the summer for most NYC heads.

The past few days put me out of my comfort zone since I usually have big weekends planned. But not this time around... I just went with the flow. Literally.

I got to see old friends--shout out to JJ who was a great host Sat. night and really took care of my girl and I. Lerve you!

I also had the opportunity to bury the hatch and start anew with someone whom I had miscommunication with. Sometimes my words get lost in translation, and my pride may set me back a while before I can fully move on from a situation. However, it felt good to hug it out and enjoy the night. I tell you, what being put on the spot does for the soul is priceless (and shout out to Noelle as well, we hugged it out @ Lorris wedding). I suppose May was the month of forgiving and forgetting.

Back to my weekend... I feel like I was caught in a vortex. So much happened that I didn’t fully process what was going on until a day after it did. As if I were an old PC still loading a page... or more like information overload.

Sunday brought me to a wake up bbm from a fellow friend telling me to get up and go, the sun was out. After some wrestling in bed, Hot 97 on blast and a much needed cold shower I went off on an adventure. I had a starting point (thanks to FB-Knower of all) and an accomplice (Big Shout out to Quimster the 1 hitter Quitter).

As I waited for Q to come through on 158 st and Broadway I was pleasantly harrassed by two guys who only seemed to know two phrases: “Real Talk” and “Imma keep it 100”------- Insert -_- face here. I don’t understand why people can’t just talk like normal human beings. Not everything has to sound like dialogue off of a Dipset video.

Regardless the fun went on, and as Q and I made our way into Riverside Park I realized this wasn’t your 15 friends getting together for a quick bbq type of bbq.

The event was called the 40oz Bounce and there were at least 200 people there. It was impressing (and I’m hard to impress). I had in front of me the outcome of an event invite gone viral on the web. The power of social media blows my mind every day. Although the DJ was dope, and the mood was right- No one was dancing (except for this tall red head of course). A lot of cool heads, but too many posers. Sadly enough many people looked the same, and although I’m all for dope style and a guy with a sleeve (tat) I’m def not excited about clones. But! Again! The trend setters set it off and every follower needs a leader... Still, I was simply amazed at the massive crowd. Shout out to the NYPD for killing the fun, you fellers sure know how to meet your quota (Thumbs Up).

My Sunday didn’t end there.... there was me bumping into one of my bosses, passing by a movie set (where my last boss/mentor was at--shout out to Rachel!), ending up in the village with Q, talking love (never fails when alcohol is involved), meeting up with friends from LI and having a random drunk guy point at me and tell my friend: “All the girls here are ugly” (LMAO) At which point I turned and said: Why is he pointing at me!? My friend tells him: “Oh yea? Thats my girl” and the random drunk guy tells him: “Except for her, she’s hot”...... I couldn’t stop laughing. I would have probably responded the same way being that my friend is 6’3. Nice. I love unforgettable sound bites.

Monday should have been a holy day left for rest, but my feet took me to dinner--where I was asked why I was alone? I didn’t realize eating alone was a problem. Next time I’ll bring my imaginary friend Nando.

There is much more in between but some is R rated and other things I’d like to just not have in writing...So.... Cheers to June. I hope you’re as wild and out of context as Memorial Day Weekend 2010 was for me.

Pa’lante como el elefante!

Fan Star

Check out a Video from Sunday's event