Saturday, March 27, 2010

window seat

As much as I am a spontaneous person, I also like concrete things. And not knowing where certain threads of my life will land bothers me. But as I evolve as a woman, I'm learning not to be so hasty.

Its hard. I like taking initiative and changing things if they are not to my liking. I suppose the theme to this year is like what Paulo Coelho said:

"Sometimes the sea sends you the grandest wave you have ever experienced.
Don't ask where its taking you"

As a young person its hard to think past a certain point. Seems like whatever stress or struggle you're experiencing is the end of your world. But I like to remind myself that I have much more walking left on my journey. I suggest you do the same.

Evolving.

FanStar

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Happiness. (Thanks Akeys.)


My moods can alter more or less
But you will not dictate my happiness
Transforming selfishness to selflessness

They say you date in patterns
My book of past lovers would look like a quilt
From dysfunctional personalities to the model citizen built

None came with a how to book
But each left a page on what it was in men
I needed to look for
My taste has altered more not less
Now I know what to respond with when a man says:
________________________________________

Ill leave that blank
And although my paper boats have sank
My needs and wants and goals for that healthy never ending. wild
"crazy love, that I don't really care we can have it any where type of love"
are looking forward to beautiful white doves

I kid.

Definitely sunday mornings where neither of us knows where our night began.
But always know where they end.
Even if we don't see each other
Type.click. Send
My response will always be yes.

So note to self:

My moods will alter more or less.
But only I can dictate the strength of my happiness.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I need a dollar...


I'm totally digging that song by Aloe Blacc, if you haven't heard it yet go on youtube---listen. This song must be added to my lives soundtrack mos'def. I bet most of you reading this can relate. The beautiful struggle that is to try and make your mark in this outrageously amazing never sleeping city. Yes a beautiful struggle. I'm amazed at how one can wake up crying over what may seem like none sense to others who lack emotion, and then end the day smiling giving a cheers to friendship and the infinite support provided by those once thought to be strangers.

I wish I had a more eloquent way of putting things, but the truth is: Life is fk-in Crazy. The more I grow, and the more I find myself in situations that hand me lessons, the less unfazed I become. But that only lasts for about a minute, since another curve ball is indubitably coming my way.

Lesson #1: Embrace your reality, and understand all is temporary except for happiness. That, you can always have. Just have to remind yourself of it every chance you get.

I'm enjoying my last few days of simple-ness since April will kick off the "Spring/Summer 2010 will be busy and kicking my behind and may cause anxiety attacks so proceed with caution, take each day with a grain of salt, and remember life is too short to remain unnoticed (SD) so be the bright star you are" reality which will be my life.

I believed myself to be a patient person, but I am learning that I was barely there. So starting from scratch I am teaching myself a quality many lack, and few will ever possess. I bet all great leaders had to learn this as well, or if they didn't it was part of why they failed.

I was at the March for immigration reform in DC this past weekend and it looked as if the gates of heaven had been opened. Massive amounts of people, and not just Latinos--Africans,Brazilians (yes I know they are in South America), Irish... Beautiful shades. Looked like a crayola box of 64. Simply awesome. Although my day started at 5 am and I welcomed daylight with some unexpected throwing up (pretty? always) followed by a wisdom toothache (this is when it got fun), I still managed to soak up the energy in the air. I've always wanted to be present at a memorable event- political that is- and I'm glad I seized the opportunity. The best part of the whole day was walking back to the bus. I was able to interact with two young ladies of Colombian descent who attend City College. When I looked back there were no faces to be recognized, we had become one. Unity at its finest. You had drums being played, chants being said. Even the neighbors came outside with pitchers of water and plastic cups to share with their guests.

This beautiful struggle can make one jaded and cynical really quick. But days like the one above, allow my faith in human kind and life to be reborn.

Just gotta have faith.
FanStar

Maktub.



Saturday, March 13, 2010

Why is the weather so mad at us...

Well I know the answer to that. But this weather puts me in a slump. I don't want to go out side and I don't want to do work (even though I'm pushing myself to do so). Facebook tries to lure me in with its pop up messages, and even though some notifications are eye catching, I will move forward with life.

Hmmm I'll wait for the sun...

FanStar

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

All roads point to... happiness


So a lot going on in my life. Which is why I had not really blogged in a couple of days. Trying to sort out this new stage that is unwrapping itself like a much needed gift.

First I want to share the news with my fellow supporters that I have gotten the most amazing opportunity ever...thus far in my young life... (drum roll)

I will be working for the NY International Latino Film Festival. I am ECSTATIC. I might as well have jumped on my bed and had a party, except I got the news at 8 am so I did the body roll happy dance in my head. For about 30 minutes. Oh the JOY!

(sigh) Sometimes you have to be persistent. And DREAM BIG.

As I have been embarking on new thought waves and spending more time with my now partner in project crime Ms. Jmo... I have also gotten the chance to be around her family more often. I always admired her family and the way they were around each other, but now that I am interacting with them regularly I feel super blessed to be around such a dope family. I've realized that a happy marriage and a welcoming home are possible. That kids that hug and love you when you get home from a long day at work does exist. And that its PERFECTLY okay to want the above. And no, it doesn't only exist in mid-western states, it also exists right here. Right now.

And so I realize that not only do I want this (when before I didn't even believe in marriage) but that I also deserve it.

So praise the above spirit that is guiding me through this journey, thank you for not letting my faith dissolve. And in case I forget to say this in the future(which I wont) THANK YOU in advance for my husband and kids. Its just what I wanted.

Happiness is a state of mind.

Maktub baby.

FanStar

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Maktub

I'm learning to re-define myself. Mentally, Spiritually, Artistically & through Style.
Spending some time alone and with friends this past week has sparked a new lively-hood within me.

I'm not so scared any more.

Maktub.

MisUnderstood

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

How do you feel?

I've been asked this a couple of times over the last few days and my answer really depends on the moment. I'm trying to stay optimistic and find the positive in every situation.

Funny thing is I only get nervous when my instincts tell me something bad is going to happen, something like "spidy sense", but my instincts are as serene as can be.

So how am I feeling today? Sunny. With a few strong winds.

FanStar